Wait + See

It looks like simple arithmetic.

But the result seems complicated.

"- ERROR - "

My mental calculator cannot process it. I don't think even Einstein can help me.


Five years ago, I let Tommy go at a time when he seemed happy at times but pained at others.

Today, I question if I had done the right thing. Should I have put the needle into him, like I did? Or should I have let him live on in pain and joy, and die peacefully when he could no longer suffer the pain? He could've experienced a few more weeks, or even months, of love from us. He could've had the chance to see his new little sister.

Did I make a decision in his life, when he had no choice at all? Did I assume he would rather be let go? What made me assume I was a dog whisperer?

Did I take an easy way out? For myself, and not necessarily for him? Just because I couldn't bear to see him suffer? Why didn't I see the joyful days instead?

What if I had not let him die? What if God had planned to send a miracle?

Today, I feel remorse and regret.

It shouldn't have been my choice, our choice. We never looked hard at Tommy enough, and tried to listen to him.

I'll never forget those last moments as he laid on the cold metal table at the hospital.

I'll never forget the way he looked at me as the needle jabbed into his body, his loving eyes asking me what was going on.

I'll never forget the minutes as I watched his life and his spirit leave his eyes.

I killed someone I loved, and who loved me back, though only in the last few weeks of his life.

I don't mean to kill you, Tommy. I thought I was helping you, but I think I screwed us all up instead.

I will never kill another dog in my life ever again.


A few days later, we buried Tommy in the fields of our school - Tommy's home for the last couple of months of his life.

We never really went back to 'visit' him, but I know he's always around in our lives.


Today, Mommy is facing the same crisis again.

To let go, or to wait and see?

Mommy doesn't want to make the same mistake for the second time in her life, but Mommy cannot take the pain anymore.

Has Mommy forgotten how to fight for both love and life? Her love and her life?

Tell Mommy what to do, Tommy. Tell Mommy what you'd have wanted to see.

Be my angel, Tommy.