Goodbye, 2005

I can't believe I just spent the last day of the year playing two rounds of mahjong.

I woke up to a phone message after one in the afternoon, and within less than an hour, I was out on my way to a distant-friend's home.

How no-life. Sigh.

Good thing I won myself some decent dinner money.


I still haven't had plans for the rest of the night.

I don't really know what I'd like to do. My friends are everywhere, but really nowhere for me.

I don't really feel like booze, yet I don't want to stay home alone as well.

Urgh. I hope in the new year, that is from tomorrow, I would always know what I want.


I'm still in a daze, and my head is still churning up stuff.

I just can't snap out of it.

I don't want to resort to alcohol tonight.


2005 has been nothing but a whole turbulent journey for me.

I never knew life could get this tough for me. Perhaps, just perhaps, I had been too complacent.

I loved, I lost. I knew happiness, then I knew sadness. I worked, but I wasn't satisfied.

I don't wish to remember the sad things for life, but I sure hope I learn from them.


*****

Before the clock strikes midnight, let me send some well wishes to my loved ones out there. You know who you are.

To those who are happily married with kids, please stay that way. Love your hubbies or wifeys like they are the best thing that has ever happened to you in this otherwise-wretched life. Love your kids like they are the most precious gift from heaven. Teach them well and shield them from the evils of the world. You'd never realize how much your world is so incomplete until you have them. Count every day of your life spent with your family as a blessing. Remember, every single day counts.

To those who are expecting moms, may you have bouncing, beautiful babies in 2006. Don't worry about the cryings in the nights, the diaper-changings, the dark eye-bags that may form, the change in your shopping-partying-travelling lifestyle, or the change in your beautiful figures. Everything is worth a sacrifice just for those tiny fingers gripping your own, and for that tiny voice calling you 'Mommy' some months later. If you need a babysitter because you need a breather, I'm here. And most of all, to my best-ever girlfriend, remember I'm always here for you. Auntie Fatmama just can't wait to start shopping for all the baby Gaps and baby Old Navys when she goes to Portland again. =)

To those who are in a career rut, don't whine no more. Go out there and make a difference to your life. If you want more money, go ahead and sell yourself. If you are sick of the sickening corporate world, be bold and make a jump over to the next ship. Nothing can ever go wrong if you believe in yourself. If you are just simply feeling clueless and directionless, come have a drink with me. Ha. No, seriously, maybe it's time to bring out those dreams of yours, and find a way toward making them come true.

To those who have actually gotten out of the rut and will be getting a new job, congratulations! You go, girls! Don't forget any lobangs for me, ok.

To those who are not in the best of health, please take care and please don't hide from us who love you. If you have to, just give up those bloody drinks. We can always sing karaoke. My knowledge of Chinese songs has improved - I promise!

To those who are facing problems at home, don't be upset with your family. Keep on loving them and being there for them because you know, if you're the one in trouble, your family is the only one that will stay around for you. No matter what.

To those who are pursuing your dreams and meet obstacles in the way, don't give up. You're halfway there. Don't turn back. You know, I envy you so. One of the greatest happiness in life is being able to wake up every single day and do what you've always liked to do. Not many of us can lay claim on such pride.

To those still in school, I have only two words for you. Study hard. I'll take care of you now, and when you start earning your own dough, you can take care of me then. Ha.

To those in love, love each other truly, and truthfully. Another of the greatest happiness in life is being in love every single day - and knowing you're being loved. Don't ever take the other for granted. Don't fight, and if you do, forget about it the very next day, and give each other a kiss the moment you see each other. Don't stop saying "I love you" - and mean it well when you say it. Don't stop thinking of the other. Kiss each other before you sleep, when you're leaving the house, before you board the plane. You'd never know when you'd no longer have the chance to.

To those who fell out of love, come drink with me too. Ha. Ok, seriously. Go on a break. Travel. Buy yourselves things you've always wanted but could never bear to spend the money on. Change your hair. Change your wardrobe. Meet more people. And when all that is done, sit down and listen to your heart. Listen to what it really wants to do, and decide if you want to follow it. Remember, sometimes pride gets in the way. Don't give up chasing after what you believe in. But when you know it's time to leave, leave it. Completely. I wish you guys more life (haha), more happiness, more money, and that you will meet your next happiness - the real thing - very soon.

To those who don't believe in 'forever', don't influence me leh. Still, even if you don't believe in it, I wish you find the one that will love you forever till you guys grow old.

To those who are already happy, stay that way, please. If nothing is bothering you, let it be. If no trouble, don't go find trouble. I've seen it all this year. Sometimes there's no turning back, and this is when you'd wish you had never 'done this' nor 'done that'.


To my two little girls and my little man, don't always fight, please! Mommy/gu-gu loves you guys. Stay healthy and happy - be glad you don't know about heartaches and worries in this world.


And to you, who are still confused, may you find what you really want this year. Time goes on - minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day - and never waits for anyone. You have been lucky your whole life, so learn to count your blessings. Know that the Big Guy hasn't forgotten about you. Don't hurt, and don't get burned. Learn to love others - truly and truthfully. Play your game well, and take good care of your health. I wish I could be there for you, but I'll never know what's going to happen. If you really want to, you'll know how to find me.

To me, I wish myself sanity, peace of mind, and a happy soul. And oh, sensibility to make the right decision. For once.


Big Man, I hope that's not a lot to ask for. Is it?

Have a blessed new year ahead, folks.

Lost

"Realize you didn't lose him... he walked away."

Yeah, perhaps it sounds true-r, put that way.

Somehow it lifted me up a little.


I cannot stay in the dumps for too long.

I get depressed, and I hate being in depression.

I've still got my sense of humor, and I want to laugh harder.

WahahahahahahaHA.


It took some verbal slapping from a girlfriend to wake me up a little.

It makes things a little easier to bear, somehow. Seeing things I couldn't see - simply because I didn't want to see them.

"The world isn't always what we try to paint them to be... New Year coming. And when it says 'new', you know you shouldn't be bothered by the same OLD things."

That corny one made me giggle. =)

Then came some culinary advice from the F&B expert herself.

"If I like a beef steak, even if I have salmon teriyaki or a stewed lamb leg in front of me, I will know what I want. Maybe out of curiousity, I might want to try the fish... but that's not love, and it will still lead me back to the steak."

Wah, cheem. But I get what you mean.


I was looking for some answers. The questions didn't come, and so the answers didn't follow.

But I pulled out that fateful MSN conversation in July that I had saved and re-read it over again last night.

I didn't make a choice. I painted a few scenarios and he chose the one that seemed most befitting - to him.

So, perhaps I already have my answers. Or, no?

"Think for yourself, don't assume what he is goin through. Ask when you need an answer and when it doesn't come, you know, you already have the answer. And when you have the answer, firm it and find a better person to date."

=)


Face it.

Things aren't going to get any better for me in the near future. I may end up in the dumps again. My head may get befuddled again. The questions may start popping up in my mind again. I may cry again.

But I have to try. And I have to start somewhere.

All I want is to start the brand new year right, and if you can't help me, then perhaps the answer's written all over you.


"Someone who didn't come back on his own will never stay long enough for you."

How brutally honest. Or should it be - how honestly brutal?

Yeah, I didn't lose you.

You lost me.

Someone

I thank the Big Man up there for friends.

I think he's been listening for sure because it seems he's showing me signs. Or, omens, should I call them?

I just need to know which one to follow.


This is old school stuff, I know. But still, the message came to me oh-so-timely via, of all things, email.


*****

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there... to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you at the tme that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles, you would never realize your potential, strength, will power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test limits of your soul.

Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things. Make every day count. Appreciate everything that you possibly can, for you may never experience it again.

Talk to people whom you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will. Create your own life and then go out and live it.

If you take your eyes off your goals, all you see is obstacles.


*****

I think I have met someone who affected my life in a big way.

But now I also think I've got many more people to meet in my life.

They may be here. They may be elsewhere in this big big world.

Where the Big Man takes me, so it shall be.

Opposite

Despite it being the festive season, and despite the brand new year coming up soon, my moods have been taking a different, and totally opposite, turn.

A lot of things make me want to cry these days.

That dream.

The cold quiet physiotherapy room I visited today. The cold painful treatments. Everything just made me feel so unloved.

The Christmas cards I've received.

And then, there is some stuff going on, and there is that one person.

I feel so fucked.


I have only three more days to go before the new year comes along.

I need to get my act together in time.

Someone, if it's not God, help me. Please.

The Dinner

With the ex.

A few of my buddies knew I was spending Christmas dinner with the Yix-man.

Some were joyous and excited for me but I was like, 'Hey, hold your horses back. I don't think I'll be making love to him by the end of the night.'

Some were incredulous, simply shell-shocked - "Why the hell are you having dinner with him on Christmas? Wasn't it awkward?". Almost with a reprimanding tone.

I was just grateful he asked.


It wasn't awkward.

I had a good time. We chatted about the funny incidents and other interesting things that happened to us. But that was it. We didn't talk. I didn't want the night tarnished.

It took me much heart, consideration and hesitation in picking his gift. I settled for something that I knew was so him. He reciprocated with a huge silly grin - the grin that I recognized meant he really liked it a lot.

I suppose he must've put in some effort in my gift too. It was uncharacteristically yet beautifully wrapped up. I love everything about it.


We had a drink before we split for the night.

I made a couple of requests that night that I know I shouldn't have, and now I'm starting to regret a little. Why make myself think he'd do anything that I asked or that he said?

The night ended with a hug that I held tight.

I don't know what would happen after.


Sometimes it feels so strange, heart-aching to a point, to see the man across you - a body you used to know so well but now seems so untouchable. So close, yet so far.

The man, whom you used to touch if he was sitting just right there next to you months ago, but whom now you can only talk to like a friend.

It is sad. Why do two persons who used to be one become strangers like this?


I don't know what to make of us anymore.

There is care but there is no affection. There is something that makes me happy, but there are also things that make me sad.

The familiarity and the estrangement at the same time make my mind swirl like a hurricane.

My thoughts are running again, and threatening to burst my brain. I don't think I can take it no more.

I want, yet I don't want. I care, yet I don't want to care.

I love, yet I don't want to love.


I enjoyed the night.

Perhaps I should learn to just leave it at that.

Crying

I woke up with slightly puffed-up eyes this morning and I wondered why.

I only had a very bad dream, that's all.

Then I realized I must have really been shedding tears while I was sleeping, though I thought I was crying only in my dreams.

How sadly odd.


I have been plagued by nightmares occasionally these days.

Nightmares that seem so true, I would actually sit up in the middle of the night, just to find out for myself what is reality and what not.

Then for the next few seconds or so, my mind would be racing furiously over the past events to make sure what had happened in my dreams only stayed in my dreams.

Sometimes it gets so bad, it takes me a day to figure what is and what's not.

It sounds eerily odd, but I don't think I'm being plagued by supernatural forces. I just think I'm messed up, screwed up, fucked up, whatever.

I am just being haunted by my own thoughts.

Me: Who do you think is more fucked up - you or me?
Ed: I think we are both equally fucked up.

Ah, thanks. Nice to know.

Happy Birthday, Big Man!

It was a peaceful Eve for me. Just the way I wanted it to be.

Hot-pot. Couple of beers (only). Taboo. Charade. Initial D and other crappy movies that nonetheless made me laugh and cringe at the same time.

A phone message came just before 3 in the morning - all the way from "pissed-drunk' Hong Kong.

Ed: Hey sis, are you still up?
Me: Yeah, what's up?
Ed: What are you doing?
Me: Just driving home from friend's place. Why?
Ed: Nothing. Just checking to see if you are alright.

Awww... what a sweet gesture.

I'm more surprised he wasn't pissed enough to have been able to "check on me". Haha.


The whole idea about how Christmas is being celebrated is getting to me.

I was a little reluctant when the pals wanted to do a countdown just before midnight with glasses of red wine on hand. I was upset by the fact that everywhere else in the pubs, and even on TV, people would be counting down to Christmas with party hats and the DJ behind the console.

It's not the New Year, not another new millenium, for goodness' sake.

Anyway, we missed the countdown - and I was relieved. We were all too caught up with Takumi racing down Mount Akina.

Shopping in town, I was pretty disturbed and upset by how 'commercialized' an occasion Christmas has become.

Parties. Drinks. The frivolous ways gifts are being bought and exchanged - by non-Christian faith believers.

Hello? Have people forgotten, or do they not know in the first place, what Christmas is being celebrated for?


I am not a strong follower, by conventional standards. I don't go to church (mostly because I just can never wake up on time). I don't preach. I don't pray. I don't evangelize.

I have my own weaknesses to vices, and I have lots of faults and shortcomings.

But I have my own ways with the Big Man up in heaven, and the best I can do to be like him is to love. Unconditionally. And I think that is pretty true in my relationships with the ex-man, with my family, with my friends.

I talk to him in my own ways and he tells me things in his own ways too - a relationship only the two of us understand. And I know he knows.

So I just get upset with the way people seem to be celebrating his birthday, especially when they don't even know much about the birthday boy.

I read an email "from him", and it made me genuinely sad.

*****

As you know, we are getting closer to my birthday. Every year there is a celebration in my honor and I think that this year the celebration will be repeated.

During this time there are many people shopping for gifts, there are many radio announcements, TV commercials, and in every part of the world everyone is talking that my birthday is getting closer and closer.

It is really very nice to know, that at least once a year, some people think of me.

As you know, the celebration of my birthday began many years ago. At first people seemed to understand and be thankful of all that I did for them, but in these times, no one seems to know the reason for the celebration.

Family and friends get together and have a lot of fun, but they don't know the meaning of the celebration. I remember that last year there was a great feast in my honor. The dinner table was full of delicious foods, pastries, fruits, assorted nuts and chocolates. The decorations were exquisite and there were many, many beautifully wrapped gifts.

But, do you want to know something? I wasn't invited.

I was the guest of honor and they didn't remember to send me an invitation. The party was for me, but when that great day came, I was left outside, they closed the door in my face .. and I wanted to be with them and share their table. In truth, that didn't surprise me because in the last few years all close their doors to me. Since I wasn't invited, I decided to enter the party without making any noise. I went in and stood in a corner. They were all drinking; there were some who were drunk and telling jokes and laughing at everything. They were having a grand time.

To top it all, this big fat man all dressed in red wearing a long white beard entered the room yelling Ho-Ho-Ho! He seemed drunk. He sat on the sofa and all the children ran to him, saying: "Santa Claus, Santa Claus" as if the party were in his honor! At midnight all the people began to hug each other; I extended my arms waiting for someone to hug me and do you know no-one hugged me.

Suddenly they all began to share gifts. They opened them one by one with great expectation. When all had been opened, I looked to see if, maybe, there was one for me. What would you feel if on your birthday everybody shared gifts and you did not get one? I then understood that I was unwanted at that party and quietly left.

Every year it gets worse. People only remember the gifts, the parties, to eat and drink, and nobody remembers me.

*****

Doesn't all that sound just too familiar?

All I really want for Christmas is to spend quiet loving time - with the ones I love.

Yes, Big Man, you included.

Celebration!

I have some things to say about my drinking.

But not before I meet the chicks tonight. =)

Till then, merry Christmas to people and dogs of the world.

Luff ya, God. I'll talk to ya tonight.

Graduation

Yay yay yay.

I'm finally done with all my shopping.

I feel so relieved I don't have to step foot into town again for the next few days, at least. No more scratching my head, thinking where I could find parking space. No more scratching my head, thinking how I could get from point A to B in the least crowded route.

I am homosapien-phobic.

I'm proud this year of myself. I bought gifts for people I love, and only people I love. And the gifts are bought with only love in my thoughts. No rubbish, no nonsense.

Still, it doesn't mean if I didn't get you gifts, I don't love you ok?

If I was a rich girl, na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na,
See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl,
No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end,
Cos I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl.

And then I might buy presents for all the cronies and buddies I have.

But I am not. Sorry, folks. Haha.


I was shopping today with a pre-tuned "just sign, don't think" mode.

For two reasons: so I could get out of town faster, and so I don't have to worry myself silly.

The worrying can come later.

That worked, though.


I am always happiest, always smiling silly to myself when I walk out of the store with your gift in my hands. =)

New ...

I did something on semi-impulse yesterday.

A hefty sum of money and four of my precious hours were the price to pay. At the end of it, my bladder was bursting and I thought I could see mould growing on my face.

I think this shall be my Christmas gift to myself, though quite unplanned for. I thought I was gonna get myself a swanky new PDA-phone or a more-decent-looking camera bag for my humongous Lumix.

But ah well... I cannot afford any more pressie for myself.


Today would probably be the last trip downtown for me.

No more Christmas shopping after today. No more crowds. No more traffic jams. No more hobbling around malls with a throbbing ankle. No more spending money.

Yay yay.

Today is also the day for the gift. That mind-boggling gift.

I've kinda made up my mind. I have my eyes set on something new.

It's now just a matter of 'should' or 'should not'.

There's also quite some math to be done: the equations of worth and value.


For some reason, I did not wash my hair before retiring to bed last night. Totally un-me.

I feel icky now.

Bleh.

Vanity

Be focused in what you really want.

Be open to ideas.

Be someone that you are proud of.

Most importantly, be happy.


*****

Words from my first Christmas card this year, from the big sister I never had but wished were mine.

Words that struck like an arrow onto my heart, every single one of them.

It's really nice and warm to know someone out there actually knows you... and cares for you.

Thanks, sis.

I luff ya, and I'm sure gonna miss you around.


*****

You're probably right.

I don't really know what I want - in my career, and in my whole damned life.

I'm opinionated, perhaps overly so. People have said I'm stubborn. I refused to believe.

See what they mean?

I want to be proud of whatever I do. I don't ever want to look back and wish I had or hadn't, think I should've or shouldn't have.

Fifty years later, when I become Old GrandFatmama, I want to be able to tell all the marvellous life stories that awe my grandkids.

Sometimes I only think about the grandkids. I wonder when I'll have the kids who'll eventually bear me those grandkids. Ha.


The blemishes on my face - they are a bugger.

A big bugger. No, make that huge.

They keep popping up, no matter how hard I try to keep them away.

I think, I wonder, I figure. What is the root of the problem that I should really be tackling? I don't really trust those silly facial treatments anymore.

I conclude. It's not a matter of cleanliness.

It's my hormones reacting. To my imbalanced state of mind. To my unhappiness.

Maybe... just maybe, the day I find real happiness, the blemishes will be banished. Hopefully forever, too.

For the sake of vanity, perhaps I should really start pursuing my well-deserved happiness... shouldn't I?

Think of all the money I could save from those silly facial treatments... yeah, maybe I really should.

Fork

It was a mad day. The day just before I am to get back to my work desk.

I thought I could do some shopping in the morning, but ended up having to babysit the little man again. Didn't do much together. We dropped my mom off where she was supposed to be, then we headed towards town.

No shopping could've been done with a kid in tow amongst the crazy crowds.

So we settled for lunch instead.

Slow and easy. I must've been bonkers when I tried to teach the little one, "Fork... you".

I hope I didn't succeed.


We headed home after lunch and brought the girls to the vet. Piper got her fifth-year annual jab today.

I shudder to think of the day she turns... *gasp* six!

The little man is a little nuts, just like Gu-gu - I fear.

He was standing in the middle of the waiting room, just laughing and laughing - non-stop - at the dogs. He has this mean laughter these days, and I have no fucking clue where he picked that up from. Uh-uh, not me.

People think he's a happy kid. Duh... I think he's nuts like me. Ha.


Dropped the girls off at home, and then zipped off for my facial.

I was late. Cos Mom got home late.

I was like a mom desparately trying to get to work but the babysitter was late.

Yeah, I was that flustered.


By the time I got to my real Christmas shopping, it was almost half-past-eight.

But I am pleased.

I have gotten most of my Christmas shopping done - except for the most important one. That one, I'll think a little more over the next few days before I make up my mind.

My favorite Christmas store has still ultimately gotta be Borders. I have once told friends not to bother with any other gift for me but just Borders giftcards. If I have ten friends who each present me with a giftcard worth just ten bucks, I would have enough 'money' to buy me at least four books! I like!

They apparently didn't heed my advice/plea last year. Let's see if they do this year.

By the time I left Borders this evening, it was half an hour before midnight.

But my shopping bag is full - finally. =)


Oh, and the same syndrome hits me in Borders. Especially in Borders.

I so wanted to get the same books for myself.

I stopped at only one.

Phew.


I'm tired tonight.

I've walked so much, and my mission is almost completed. Pat on my back.

I think I'm going to skip shopping tomorrow, and head for beer straight after work.

Doh! There's work tomorrow!


*****

I should've known.

Fantasies are meant for fairytales. Not plain Janes like me.

Pride and Possibilities

Yay! I'm going to have a baby!

Not mine, of couse. Just another lil' one for me to play with, and to dote on.

But I'll have to zip up from here.

Uh-uh. Nothing more.


I met two of my favoritest people today. Both of whom I have been missing for a while.

And both of whom, incidentally, are my only Sakae-chums.

I met one in the day, and I met the other at night. No prizes for guessing where I had dinner.


Best friend.

Hard to define, harder to find, yet easy to betray.

I think I lost mine some time ago.

Now, I only have good friends, and very good friends.

The next person to be my best friend would have pretty big shoes to fill. And preferably, he would be a soulmate too.

A real one, this time, please.


*****

One day in town, and I'm home with only two CDs (one of which is mine by the way) and a pair of boxers in my shopping bag.

Can I be any less efficient?!

I'd like to put the entire blame on my ankle, but really, I have to admit to my indecisiveness as well.

Sigh. A not-so-woman woman.


I'm proud of the CD I bought, though - the one that doesn't belong to me.

A pretty obscure soundtrack.

I searched painfully through six CD stores from Wheelock to Orchard Cineleisure before I found it. And I found it at the least expected place - Sembawang Music Store. Not Borders. Not HMV. Bleah.

My favoritest CD of all time.

It was his, too. That was how I ever got to know of those awesome songs.


There are a couple more mind-boggling things about Christmas shopping, I realize.


For every 'great' gift I think would be perfect for a dear friend, I always end up wanting to buy the same - for myself.

Books. Jewelry. Undies. Bags. Anything.

"Hmm... this is so nice, I think so-and-so would adore it. In fact, I think I'd like the same for myself too."

Or.

I walk into a favorite store, thinking I might find something I like that my friend would like too.

"No... no... nope, I don't think so-and-so would fancy this. But ah... I like this..."

And then, when I decide that there's nothing in that store my friend would fancy, I start looking at things I do fancy and start trying them out.

That was how I ended up - innocently - with a new skirt yesterday.

Sigh.


I realize as well that the more you care for someone, the longer the list of choices grows.

In fact, it's almost a neverending list of possibilities.

First, you wonder if you should even be getting that someone a gift. And when you're past that stage, all of a sudden, your eyes grow huger with bewilderment because everywhere you go, you see only possibilities - for that one person.

Coulds. Woulds. Shoulds. Maybes.

When you really care for someone special, you'd always wish you could buy the world for that someone.

And that's when the headache begins.


*****

"Are they mad?" quipped Miss Tan.

I had mentioned to her that my family - namely my father and my brother - wants to ban me from the game for *quote* at least six months *unquote*.

Yes, I do think they are, too.

The most devastating thing to a sportsman, other than not winning a race or a game, is a crippling injury that would leave him out on the cold bench for months.

But then, we sportsmen have pride. And war scars are our biggest pride.

We never say 'never again' in the face of a torn ligament or a broken arm.

Anyway, my folks are not going to be able to put me under house-arrest, or monitor my every single move.

That's one of the best things you gain as a free-willing adult: freedom.

Then again, they nag. Urgh.


*****

I seem to be talking non-stop for a week about nothing but my tree-stump and my Christmas-shopping incidents.

Well, they are just about the only exciting things going on in my life now.

Bleah.


P.S.: I have atrociously bad grammar in this posting. Favoritest. Huger. *rolls eyes*

Of Horses and Rat-bits

What goes around comes around.

Sometimes I wonder when, and if, the circle will ever end. And how.

I'm stuck in the circle right now.

I'd like to see what might happen to me next.


*****

I'm undergoing self-administered pain therapy right now.

For all the walking I've done today, I've decided the next best thing I can do for my tree stump is to give it an intensive ice treatment - post-shower, pre-bedtime.

Er... how intensive can ice treatment be?

For God-knows-what reasons, I have all of three ice packs in my freezer. All just coming in handy in needy times like this.

I'm applying one ice pack after another.

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

My skin hurts like crazy.

I can forget about my ice-cream tonight.


*****

A special Christmas lunch tomorrow.

And I've gotten the Christmas gift in time. A pat on my back.

I only have to wake up early enough tomorrow to pack it and wrap it.

And then, after lunch, I'd have to trudge back into town to do more shopping.

Four whole hours spent in town today, and only one gift down.

Sigh. I foresee another intensive ice treatment tomorrow night.


*****

Since I'm already walking, I figured I had to bring the girls down for a much-needed walk before my conscience bit me.


I have two dogs. But really, I have a little horse and a rat-bit.

One trots gracefully, while the other scampers and scurries like she's on an adventure. Holding her leash, I can almost feel her adrenalized heartbeats.

It is always an amusing trip, walking them round and round the blocks.

I'd leave it to you to guess who's the horse and who's the rat-bit.


Whether you're dogs or horses or rat-bits, I love you very much, babies. =)


*****

Plans for a Christmas dinner have been made.

I should be happy, shouldn't I?

God, I won't wish for anything much but just make sure I'm not living yet another lie, ok?


Oh, and by the way, the tree stump is no more. =)

Passport

You must walk more, get away slowly from the crutches, and learn to put more weight on that tree stump.

So says my doctor.

Yay! Got passport to get out of the house already.

I would like to tell Doc that I can even drive my manual car liao.

I have never felt more liberated.


Christmas shopping is tiring when:

(a) your list is only half complete and it keeps growing as you shop along;

(b) you cannot decide between three different gifts for just one person on your list;

(c) you've decided on a strict budget but your eyes keep wandering toward 'better' gift ideas;

(d) you have to jostle with crowds who don't watch out for your feet;

(e) you have a sore tree stump for an ankle.

That is why I am already taking a rest at the cafe after only an hour of shopping - with nothing in my shopping bag still.


I miss Coffee Bean. Hur.

Big Head

Quotes crazy-dog Ronaldhino of the magnifique Thierry Henry:

'Henry is a beautiful player and and has got complete technique. I adore watching him. I respect him very much as a man and as a footballer. He reminds me of myself.'

Duh... Can anyone get more big-headed than this?

Sheesh. It must be the hair.

Unwanted

My pillows are wet.

My cheeks are stained.

Can you see?

I'm this bored to tears.


I've slept till my brains cells are as numb as my tree stump.

My long-time suspicion that I'm really an owl-in-disguise has been confirmed. No doubt.

The daylights have kept my eyes shut, and now I'm just wide doe-eyed awake.

Sigh. I have nothing but ice-cream to keep me company at this time where everyone else is going to bed.


I wanna go out. I want to catch a movie.

But nobody wants to bring me out.

"You'd better stay home and don't move about so much."

Why does everyone think they know best for me?

Sigh.

Fate

Two hours into day three.

And I'm still wide awake.

I must've had too much of a rest over days one and two.


Day two was another stoner.

I took a walk out of the house, though.

Lunch downstairs took me barely an hour, but walking on crutches was more strenuous than I had imagined it to be. I perspired so much, and my arms were so sore, I felt only relief when I slumped back onto my bed.

I read my book.

I got some new songs.

I watched 'Toy Story'.

I watched my little man play.

For once, while I was bedridden, it rained.

I had a nice peaceful nap too.


By dinner time, I was able to move about by limping. Sans crutches.

Yeah, the pace is much slower, my ankle feels more pain, but it is also much less tiring.

Yes, I'm officially termed 'pai ka'.


I may have rejoiced a little too early today when I could walk without the crutches.

Still, I think the healing process is damn slow and painful.

I have this nagging feeling the tree stump will act up again when I wake tomorrow morning.


Over the past couple of days, I watched how my little man spent his day.

It's amazing how happy a kid can be - everyday.

He reads his alphabets. He plays his toy cars. He terrorizes my dogs. He sits at the table and doodles on a drawing board while Mom is preparing dinner. He sings his songs.

He laughs.

Every day is a brand new play-day.

Nothing from the day before remains.

It makes me wish I could be a kid all over again.


Someone tried calling me numerous times from where he was.

But somehow, through the work of fate, the calls never got connected.

It doesn't matter.

What really counts is the thought and the gesture.

Drugged & Incapacitated

I feel drugged the entire day.

Thanks to the pain, and the painkillers, I slept like I hadn't been for days.

I roused from drowsiness only in the evening - after about 15 hours of snooze. Just in time for dinner.


Great. Thanks to my incapacitated state, I managed to lie in bed and catch LeBron match up against Melo on TV.

Haven't watched NBA for eons. For that matter, I haven't really been watching TV too.

Thought I could catch up also on some reading and writing, but either made me fall asleep in a matter of minutes.

I feel so wasted.


The pain has subsided a little but the tree stump is still there.

I still can't walk without my crutches, and my armpits are getting sore.

Mom has been helping me: bringing stuff to me, opening the door for me, switching off the lights for me. But I insist on doing things myself - if I can.

I wonder, could I have survived this mere lousy handicap if I had been staying on my own?

It would've been tough, no doubt. But I hate feeling so dependent.


I may have gotten my well-deserved rest, and a break from Hoe.

But I feel so bored too.

I never stay home on a Friday night! Argh!

I was so wishing someone could come by and whisk me off to Wala or something.


"I'm on crutches now."

"Wah, that serious?"

"Yah lah. The swell got most of the nurses impressed."

Impressed. The nurses exclaimed they have never seen a swell like mine before.

Hur hur. I should feel proud, shouldn't I?

Bedridden

Just been to the hospital and back. Emergency room, to be more precise.

And it's the first time ever I've lain in a hospital bed.

Very sleep-inducing... except for the fucking pain.


Sprained my ankle big-time at the game.

Big-time. Haven't been this bad for a long while.

I can't walk. I can't drive. I am even on fucking crutches.

I have a tree stump for an ankle now.

Two words: fucking pain.

Ok, three: damn fucking pain.

"It must be painful for you... to have to give up Friday night of partying."

Idiot.


The only good thing that has resulted from this is that I get three days' worth of medical leave.

The not-so-joyous news: the three days include both Saturday and Sunday. Lu gi lor.

I have to get back to the hospital for a review on Monday. I hope that makes it four.


I don't really want to go on painkillers because I know the pain will hit me like a bullet train when the painkilling effect wears out.

But I am already worrying.

How am I going to sleep tonight with the pain?

And what the hell am I going to do at home tomorrow, when catching up on sleep sounds tempting yet painful?

I am already anticipating the excruciating moment when I wake tomorrow morning... if I do get any sleep at all.


God, need your help now. Desperately, yes.

Thank you in advance.

Nasi Lemak

Just a couple of days ago, I was exactly thinking of that very same nasi lemak we used to have a simultaneous craving for, and of the long drive we used to take late in the night just to satisfy our cravings.

I was just wondering, if I would ever again find another chum who would enjoy the same kind of crazy with me.


*****

I am spring-cleaning the list of names in my cell.

Hitting the 'delete' button on quite some numbers.

'Friends' who aren't worth making nor keeping.

So one day, if I were to reply "Who u?" when you next send me a message, sorry pal.

I didn't think you were going to call again.


*****

I should perhaps also take stock of some other bits of my life and make some changes.

The names in my cell. The caller display. My usernames. My passwords. My status. My pictures. My room.

Tiny and insignificant as some of these bits may seem, I'd probably never realize the silent yet gradual devastation they do to my heart each time I see them.

I will not tell a lie.

There is still some inertia. Indeed, there is still some reluctance to let it all go.

There are still those emotions. There is still some hesitation to change things.

But one day, I know they will all be gone, together with the passwords and the photos.


*****

I would like a peaceful Christmas, and a New Year that looks promising with only good things to come my way.

I think I've had enough this year.

Pride

Not one second.

Uh-uh. Not one.

I should've known to walk away when I ought to.

Now I'm at the brink of it.


I think it is that concept of time that's been getting to me lately.

I don't have time to waste no more, but why do I seem like I am doing things for nothing - wasting my time?


*****

I am not a proud person. I don't thrive on pride.

I admit to my weaknesses, but I know my strengths too.

In spite of the silent tears that I weep, however, pride has kept my head up high all this while.

But pride has also kept me from doing many things.


I broke my promise last night the minute I hit the 'send' button on my cell.

I lost it momentarily. I just couldn't think right.

But I also had let go of some pride.

And I got back in return what I was yearning for.

A plate of nasi lemak. A pair of listening ears. Some words of advice. Some laughter of ease.

And a hug of thousand words.

If only...


If I could say it to you again, thanks for being there for me last night.

You'll never know how much it means to me.


No traps.

It's just me, myself and I.

Fantasies

It's a day out at work today.

Yep, spent almost the entire day out in town, checking out our stores, with my team.

Only one word at the end of the trip: tired.

Ok, two words: fucking tired.


I am quite upset that I cannot, for the life of me, shop.

Give me a 10km to run anytime, but don't ask me to shop aimlessly.

My knees and butt are aching now.

Like I tell my friend, "I am woman, but not quite woman."


You know it's December when the town is crowded - by a Tuesday's standard.

Kids on vacation. Tourists on holiday. People on a day off work. Shoppers on their Christmas-gift missions.

This is like a normal weekend I'm used to. Weekends in town nowadays bother me.


I am reminded by the throngs of people that I haven't quite gotten down to my own Christmas shopping. Darn, I haven't even gotten down to my list of lucky recipients this year.

And then I am reminded, with quite some alarm, that Christmas is only one week away.

I think I won't be shopping on a weekend. Weekends are for babysitting, dogsitting, boozing and latte-ing.

I think I should just take a couple of days off work next week to do my shopping - with a lesser crowd.

And then, I also think I should put myself down on my list. =)


Ah... Christmas wishes.

I have quite a few.

Let me gather my thoughts, and then decide on the realistic ones.

And this time, I don't think I will say any one out aloud.

It's better to smash my own head against the wall by myself, than to have someone else do it.


I have wild thoughts running through my messed-up head, though.

If my gorgeous friend decides to pop by again on his way home, you bet I'll be making time for him.

After all, you don't get fantasies coming true to you very often... do you?

Haha.

Unabashed

"Is your invitation for real? I am starting to really consider..."

Not shy.

Atrocious.

Tsk tsk.

Axed

Darn.

Bangkok's been axed.

Santa's obviously decided I'm not that good enough yet. =(


I have a 'lunch date' with Boss on Wednesday.

"Mark it down on your diary..."

Doesn't sound too good. I'm getting worried.


I found another Hokkien MSN buddy, honing my written Hokkien skills.

But I think I need more oral practice instead. Er... didn't come off too nicely, did that?


I got an invite to the MOS opening this Friday! Woo-hoo!

Er... like I really gian like that.

Still, I think I should just pop by and immerse in the 'cool' atmosphere, shouldn't I?

And maybe appear on some Juice magazine.

Ha... fatter-than-fat hope.


It's Monday and the blues are back.

Time for early sundowners.

Impulsive

I think I know what caffeine does to me.

It goes right to my eyes and pries them open wide.


*****

I had supper (right after dinner) with an unlikely chum I hadn't suppered with for a while.

Lots were shared between the two of us and two bottles of Tsingtaos, mostly about life, crap and then love.

Take it from me.

Don't ever sweat the small stuff in love. Small stuff, often dismissed, can sometimes unknowingly lead to bigger issues and then suddenly, everything is at stake.

Sometimes, it's just not worth it. Sacrificing a life journey over road-bumps along the way.

It's a perception of life that doesn't come easily, but one day, you will realize, like we once did when we were so in love, and say to yourselves, "Sweetie, in the bigger picture of things, this is not worth it. Let's just let it go." And then a hug sealed with a kiss.

It is not a compromise. It is not about tolerance. It is not about giving and taking.

It is about loving and understanding.

Love one, and love everything about one.

Love one truly, and you'll realize no matter how big your love is, you can never change one. In fact, the more you love, the more you shouldn't attempt to change one. After all, if there're some things about one you'd like to change, how much of one do you really love then?

You're still young, and you'll probably not learn a lot about this till you're older. I can only tell from my life experience.

Just don't ever regret one day, that you'd ever let go of the One when you had him/her in your arms once.


It's so nice being in love.

It's so nice having someone in your life to share it with.

I miss that.

But at the thought of having to go through it all again - letting someone deep into your life and then getting hurt by that someone closest to you - I'd rather much be alone.


*****

Santa must think I've been a good girl this year.

He's put me on a flight to BKK this Thursday. =)

It's only a day-trip, though.

If I find someone, I'll make it through the weekend.

Someone... please?


*****

Someone gorgeous hasn't forgotten about me. =)

Friends have been egging me on to do the impulsive and the unthinkable.

Should I?

Doesn't Really Matter

We lost narrowly in the big game last night.

Another big game tonight.

So what? Doesn't really matter to me, does it?


It seems to me now it doesn't really matter if I really go away.

Nobody will really miss not having me around in this place.

I may miss basketball, but the truth is, it will not miss me. What do I train so hard for?

Friends will go on with their boozing, probably never thinking, "Oh how we miss her."

People I used to care about will go on with their lives, probably slowly forgetting about me.

No one is going to wish I was around for them.

So, it will be.

How I wish I could say, "Goodbye, everybody" soon.

"When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out In Your Arms"

I read this story over an email slightly over a year ago.

It made me cry then.

I almost teared again when I stumbled upon it while I was clearing out my emails... just a while ago.


*****

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene of ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid, I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, "You are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs." Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said, "Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls." Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so.

I moved Dew's hands aside and said, "You go select some furniture, ok? I've got something to do in the company." Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day, I said to her in a slight joking way, "Suppose we divorce, what will you do?" She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with her. She seemed to have gotten some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, "He Ning, divorce her, ok? Then we live together." I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. "I've got something to tell you," I said.

She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. "I want to divorce." I raised a serious topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "Why?" "I'm serious." I avoided her question. This so-called answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "You are not a man!"

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and a 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me, her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

One late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, "He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?" This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, "I remember." "You carried me in your arms," she continued, "So, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning."

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. "No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce," she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, "Daddy is holding mummy in his arms." His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, "Let us start from today, don't tell our son." I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus, I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, "The garden outside is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there."

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vaguer.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.

I didn't tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, "It seems not difficult to carry you now."

She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, "All my dresses have grown fatter." I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. "Dad, it's time to carry mum out," he said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, "Actually I had hoped you would hold me in your arms until we are old."

I held her tightly and said, "Both you and I didn't notice that our life was lack of such intimacy."

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, "Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious."

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. "You got no fever," she said. I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry, Dew," I said, "I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you."

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote, "I'll carry you out every morning until we are old."


*****

Aww... what a sweet ending that almost wasn't.

The sweetness in the story makes me tear.

But the cynicism in me asks if this could ever be true in real-life.


At karaoke last night (yes, I was there again), Sasy asked if certain songs get to me personally and emotionally.

Yes, of course.

Yes.

Lone

Whoa! Unbelievable.

I actually managed to find a lot in the spanking new carpark in Holland V.

Free parking... and a covered spot some more!

I can see the smiles on Lady Luck today.

I'm gonna just sit here at the cafe for the rest of the afternoon till the battery runs out.


Yet another Sunday.

The concept of time is getting to me. And I find it sorta worrying.

I have a constant fear of having nothing to do on a particular day, especially on a weekend. I worry about making plans to keep my days occupied. I brood over how most other people seem to have a busy Sunday, while I seem to have nothing.

I don't like routine. But I fear loneliness. And I hate to think my time and my days are wasting away.

So, on a errand-less Sunday, like today, I'd rather sit at the cafe and watch the world go by, than think I'm rotting away on my bed.


I never used to like eating alone.

I hate the idea of me sitting by myself in a foodcourt or a hawker center.

On days when I have no companion for lunch or dinner, I'd rather skip the meal. Buy some bread, or some snacks. Or, sleep over it. Or, wait till I have someone to eat with, even if that means four hours later.

That'd do. Food does nothing for me, except to quell the growls in my stomach.

Maybe that explains for my lack of body weight. I skip meals and I eat too irregularly.

I used to get flak from my ex-constant-companion for not eating when I should be.

These days, no one really cares anyway.


These days, I have found myself sitting alone at coffeeshops or cafes. Eating all by myself.

I still avoid foodcourts and hawker centers. It's still just too much of a hassle having to buy food and worry about getting a lone seat in these places.

Eating alone sometimes is just so... sad.


I so wish I had a place of my own, with a kitchen of my own.

So I never have to worry about fixing my own meals - any way, anytime I like.


On a lonely Sunday like this, this is all I am thinking about.

Xiao-Gua

The 'hiao-pok' who likes being told, "Pretty, preet-ty!" or "Go look in the mirror!".



My lovely Little Melon.

Believe

"Real Fact" #126 (from the bottle cap of my Snapple):

A pigeon's feathers are heavier than its bones.

Hmm... really?


*****

What a tiring day... so far.

Today's the final rites of my Ah Por's funeral. Didn't really partake much in the activities but I was mostly playing maid-cum-babysitter. That alone tires me out.

Running after a mildly hyperactive kid is no joke.

I couldn't put him to sleep on my shoulders. Guess he's not too used to sleeping on the floor, huh.

I'm now catching some caffeine for an hour or so before my game.

Thought the Coffee Bean at Singapore Post Center would be a quiet place to chill out, but wtf?! Why is it so damn crowded?!


*****

My mom and her cronies are quite a vulgar bunch of old ladies.

They go like (pardon the language) 'diu' this 'diu' that. I don't know why but I find it pretty hilarious.

So it ain't so much of a problem if me and my cronies 'fuck' this 'fuck' that when we're old ladies, is it?


*****

The musical that I thought to be turned out to be a wacky concert.

I kinda regretted paying so much money for it. But ah well... blame it on my ignorance.

I caught the man falling asleep... as usual. Guess he didn't appreciate it much as well. Sorry 'bout that.


I almost fell into the trap again.

Things you said you'd like to do... well, I almost once again believed it is going to happen.

I don't think I'm going to believe it much anymore, just so I won't end up looking forward to something - something that might not happen after all.

It's always better to be pleasantly surprised, than to be let down again, isn't it?

You really wanna ask my folks out for a dinner? You really wanna bring the girls to the beach? Just give me a call anytime when you are really ready. You know where I'll be.

If you really wanted, you'd make the plans... and you'd know that I'll make time for you - anytime.

In the meantime, I'll just make believe you'd never suggested anything. I'll just keep remembering your words don't mean much to you.


Still, thank God, and thank you... for making last night's date a pretty quiet and enjoyable one.

I'll miss you, anyhow.


*****

Big game today.

I think I'm ready. Though I don't think I've had enough rest from last night.


My day's not going to end with the game.

I've got to rush home to send my aunt to the airport, then I'm gonna get me my booze-dose tonight.

I missed that last night.

Somebody has got to make time for me tonight... I'll make darn sure.

Booze-dose

Hello Freddie, here I come!

Just make tonight good for me, ok.

Nothing more I wish for.


And I hope to get some dosage of booze after.

Wherever my friends may be.

Hello??

No reply to my one message since yesterday.

Are you, or are you not, here?

Have you forgotten?

I'm only going to try just one more time. That's it.


Angry? Upset? Frustrated?

Nah... just a little disappointed.

Hi Gorgeous...

=)

Gorgeous-too, you probably wouldn't know but you're putting me to sleep with a smile every night.

Friend asks, why am I so disbelieving?

Because I don't want to be misled.

And because it all seems too good to be true.

If there's anything I've learnt, it's that words can be too cheap to be relied upon.

I'd rather a man who does more than he speaks.


*****

I recently made the effort to find some dear but long-lost friends: my P.E. teachers from college.

"... while packing, saw some photos and letters that you sent. You were a kid then..."

I'll always be a kid to you. =)


I have ever once wanted to become a P.E. teacher.

In fact, for a short stint, I had ever been one.

Right after the 'A's, I didn't don a skirt and blouse and join the 'temp office job' gang. No way - not at the tender age of 18. Instead, I put on my favorite tee-and-shorts combo, and taught P.E. back at my college on a relief stint.

It was haven then.

Morning lessones would start at about eight, right after the morning assembly, and end by nine. Afternoon lessons would resume only at three. I had no 'paperwork' to handle, unlike my fellow teachers, so I had all the time to myself after nine.

You would either find me lounging (read: sleeping) on the couch at the back of the P.E. room, or catch me sneaking out of school for my driving lessons - with the blessings of my 'boss', of course. Without this stint, I probably wouldn't be driving my baby now still.

Lunch hours were long. P.E. teachers never have to rush back for afternoon classes. The ones in colleges, that is. What the hell are classroom subjects? We never ate in the school canteen; we were always taking our own sweet time at the hawker centers and the coffeeshops outside.

Teaching college kids was a blessing too. They are old enough not to play punk, yet young enough to be taught. It helped that I came from a good college - we never had much of a disciplinary problem. I've heard horror stories from neighborhood school teachers where kids would take 20 minutes to change up, leaving only 10 minutes for lessons, or girls would whine about menstrual cramps - all the time. Bleah. All the pai kias.

My job was easy, truth be told. I was practically paid to play netball, basketball, handball, football, any-ball. No real physical training, until the physical fitness tests drew nigh. Then, when that time came, all I had to do was to stand around with a whistle and order the kids to run laps or do sit-ups. Ah, I like authority. Ha.

Since I used to run track myself, I was asked to help out with the track team. No harm. I hurdled, so I had only to coach the hurdlers. Plus, I get to put down on my resume, I was ever a track coach. Ha.

I was, however, also the teacher with the highest casualty rate. I was always bringing limping kids or bleeding kids into the P.E. room.

"Again?!" Yeah, that's me.

I got pretty good at nursing wounds for a while.

I loved talking to the kids. Maybe because I was only a year or two older than they were, or maybe because I was more 'fun' and less strict, but I thought the kids loved me too. I loved the bond made with them.

Years later, whenever I bumped into them on the streets, they would greet me in excitement, "Miss Lee!" It made me cringe for a while - I had never been called that way ever since. But I was happy too, that they remembered me.

I loved my teachers then too. We were more like friends. I got invited to gatherings and dinners, and to me then, they were the most simple, grounded folks I'd ever met. I wanted so much to be like them. One observation I made during all these gatherings (usually with other P.E. folks from other schools - it's very much akin to the 'elitist' doctor community): P.E. teachers usually marry another one.

What a perfect union, I used to think. I just wanted to be part of the P.E. folks.


After school, my dreams of being a P.E. teacher waned.

I got more practical. Being a P.E. teacher is like a no-way-out career move. Instead, I chose to step into the corporate rat-hole.

Years later, in my working days, I would bump into these teachers now and then. Questions were thrown at me, about what and how I was doing.

The conversations never failed to end with them telling me, "See? You should've been a P.E. teacher. Come lah."

I would laugh, and make some excuse. Then secretly, I would always think, "What if I had become one?"


A couple of weeks ago, at Hapyfish's wedding, I bumped into one of my favorite teachers.

See, Hapyfish is a P.E. teacher - teaching at, of all my places, my college. She's now a colleague of some of my ex-colleagues.

Inevitably, my dear teacher-turned-friend said again, "Come lah. Come be a teacher lah. You'll be much happier."

I went home thinking, Is that true?


I had a whale of a time during the short five months as a teacher.

I learnt the meaning of finding happiness in what you do. I made friends, whom I lost for a while but I'm meeting soon in a couple of weeks.


Now that I'm in a career rut, the idea of returning to the track seems to be an option.

Still, I'm not too sure.

I'm still chicken-shit. What if... ?


One day, however, don't be surprised when I turn up at work in my favorite tee-and-shorts combo. =)

'Teh-si'

"Where's your boyfriend?"

"I don't have one."

Ah-ha! A check-out statement. =)


*****

I've received an invitation to Perth. Haha.

However serious an invitation it may be, it still makes me smile.

I haven't had such attention in a long long while.


The emails and phone messages just keep on coming.

I'm smiling to myself a lot these days.


*****

I think my tailbone is developing something... like a tail?

It's painful and I can't bend over nor sit down on the floor without grimacing.

I know I ought check it out with some doctor, but I'm chicken-shit in things like that. I'd rather not know anything.

Want to die, just die lah.


My basketball is finally getting back on track, and I'm happy about that.

My shooting touch is coming back. My stamina is picking up. My speed is letting me run more before I tire out. My strength in my legs is putting me back on the defensive team.

I still have a long way to go, and I'm starting my games this weekend.

But then, I'm getting more and more tired these days after every training session. I just hope I don't burn out soon.


So tired, my capacity for booze has gone down though the craving is still there.

Got dragged to Wala last night despite me wanting to go for a huge dinner instead after training. But once the Hoe touched my lips, the tiredness was gone.

Still, I'm pleased enough to stick to just one Magnum.


"Are you going to train for triathlon again next year?"

"Hmm... don't think so. I think I can only manage one sport now."

Age is catching up.


*****

The weather's been so wacky these days.

Sunny, not-so-sunny, rain. The cycle goes on like this.

I took the day off from work yesterday, and hit the beach with the girls on a not-so-sunny day.

Didn't manage to get the tan I wanted, but at least the girls and I had fun swimming to and fro between the beach and the little island. I looked ravaged though, with all the scratch marks on my back - all thanks to crazy Gracie who kept trying to climb up my back in the waters. Crazy bitch.


It was a motley crew in my car.

Four humans and four dogs.

Piper and Gracie made a new friend - a lady cocker by the name of 'Kopi'.

She inspired a new nickname for my Gracie - 'Teh-si'.

Quite rhyme right?


*****

I spoke with someone yesterday too, who made me somehow a little happier - even if for just a short while.

Through her, I realized my opportunities out there are indeed vast.

At least, I know I'm good and I have much more waiting for me out there.


"Are you mobile?"

Yes, I think I am. I have nothing left behind here.

Just let me bring my girls along wherever I have to go.


*****

Being finally able to let go doesn't necessarily mean I'm no longer sad.

Much as I don't want it to, the past lingers on and continues to haunt.

I just hope our date with Freddie this Friday would also be our last one... and also, a happy one.


*****

"May u be the luckiest babe on earth."

=)

I hope so too.

Mr Giggs

I am hungry.

In fact, I've been so hungry since dinner last night - after devouring a bowl of fishball noodle AND another bowl of wanton noodle - I woke up at two-thirty in the morning. Just because my stomach was growling.

I noticed. If you lie on your tummy while sleeping, somehow your tummy feels empty. Maybe that's why.

But anyhow, I woke up, went online again, rummaged through the fridge, and decided to settle for my yam-my mochis and my Ben & Jerry's. I know, not a very wise choice for late-night snacking. But screw that. I need my endorphin-rush.

A new flavor of B&J's, I'm trying. 'Half baked' - whatever that means, so long as it's chocolate-flavored.

Endorphins. The same feel-good chemicals that are released from eating chocolates as that flushed through your system after a session of sex.

Hmm.. I like the association.

I like chocolates. =)


The weekend was... eventful.

First, I was out with the brat again on Sunday. I had to send my mom and aunt around town as they picked up their stuff, and we had to bring the little brat along.

Yes, he has now elevated to 'brat' status. Becoming a monster, my gawd.

As Mom says, "He didn't turn into a monster. He's just showing his true colors now."

I was so frustrated with him, I left him alone with the older women and ran off to have my own coffee in peace. Not very nice of me, but urgh!

A whiny kid sprawling on the floor in the toys department is the last thing I want to handle.

Fuck. Do I really want to be a mom??


I met a Mr Welsh in my now-fave hangout. Both of us sipping on my now-fave Ice Cold Hoe.

He was yummy-looking, and he was sitting alone rooting for Liverpool.

Hmm... a real-life Mr Ryan Giggs. Except his dark hair wasn't curly-wurly and methinks he looks yummier.

What else were we to do but chat once my good friends left the table?

Mr Giggs has since left for Perth, but has been sending me messages on the cell. Hmm.

"When I arrive home, I will email you some pictures of Wales see what you think."

I think I will like them a lot, thank you very much. Haha.


See? I'm cool. I'm smart. I'm not ugly.

Why the fuck am I still so hung up on something else?


*****

As my recent spate of 'bumpings' go, I met another of his friends in the office today.

How long more does this have to go on?

Sigh.


I reached a breakthrough in my thinking last night.

While resting during my basketball training. Strange, but true. Seemed like my mind got cleared up or something.

I am good.

At least, I have to think I am, if I am to be me.

I deserve someone good. Someone good enough for me.

You?

Perhaps you're not that good, after all.

Good people would never be selfish and do nasty things to the ones they claim to love.

Good people stay true to their one and onlys. Not to many and maybes.


I am feeling better.

I hope the upward ride goes on longer before I start downhill again.


I can't say I'm happy now. Perhaps I'm still far from it.

There are things in the past that still upset me. And I'll never truly get over them, until I know what they really are about.

In the meantime, I'd like to get to know more Ryan Giggs and blue-eyed dark-haired hunks.

Anyone?

Zero

"Quick! Hoe is waiting for you."

"Oh my hoe..."

=)


*****

I had a man on my bed last night.

And he peed on it this morning.

Darn. Count yourself lucky, little man, that I didn't kick nor squash you last night. Hmph.


My bed.

It has the stains of dog pee, the little man's pee - and our perspiration.

("Not sweat ok. Only pigs sweat.")

I know you all are gonna flinch at the thought of it.

Not me. The smells aren't exactly sweet, but the memories are.


I had the man to myself the entire day too.

We had a nice - and slow - lunch together at my ex-hangout. Sakae.

Everything is different now. The menu. The food. The furnishing and the setting.

Even the companion is not the same. And this new one, I still have to feed some more.

As usual, I over-ordered. Fit for two. Except we were more like one-and-a-half.

By the way, food at Sakae is getting worse. Yet, the business seems to be getting better. How else would you account for all the refurbishing of the outlets?

I think I'm done with Sakae.


No shopping today.

I brought the man to Borders instead. So that he might pick up my love for books as well.

Wanted to pick some books for him, but he was too restless. Going after some other girl's balloons.

Men... sigh.


We spent four hours in town together.

Lunch and Borders took up more than half the time. The rest? I carried the man in my arms as we walked down the street a little. The crowds and the mild heat just irritated the two of us. Well, at least if he wanted to, he didn't have to walk. Which was basically the whole time. Urgh.

My back is breaking now. Sometimes I wish I had a masseuse at home - at my beck and call. So shiok, right?

Didn't manage to get any Christmas or birthday-gift shopping done.

The man just refused to be put down. Not to mention, walk. How to shop, like that?


It's not easy playing 'mom'. Not to mention, actually being one.

Can't shop. Can't eat in peace. Can't go to the foodcourt because you can't leave him alone at the table while you go get the food. Can't even go to the toilet alone, especially when the kid has a strange loo-phobia.

Can't sit at my cafe and lounge. Can't read books in Borders because the kid has an attention span far worse than mine. Can't walk all over town aimlessly, especially when you have to carry a kid in your arms the whole time.

You have to make sure you eat something edible for a kid. You have to keep making sure the kid has not peed or pooed in his pants. You have to pacify the kid when he gets irritated by something unknown. You have to calm him down when he kicks up a fuss.

And I'm not even talking about a monster of a kid here.

Why the hell would I want to be a mom?

Beats me.


*****

Life wasn't exactly totally meaningful.

At least then, I thought I had a large part of my life fulfilled. It was just less meaningless.

Now, life isn't totally meaningless, but it is just becoming less - and less - meaningful.

I can't figure out what I wake up for, or am living for, everyday.

Work? Absolutely not.

The feeling of starting all over again from square zero can't get any worse than this, I hope.


I don't know what I'm up to tonight.

I'm feeling lethargic but I don't want to stay home on a Saturday night either.

Not when I can't be alone and mope.

Sometimes, you know, that's just all you feel like doing all the time.

Choices

Sometimes it's good to have choices.

But then, it's not exactly a good thing when you end up having too many choices.

You end up thinking of the various different scenarios that the different choices might lead you into, then you start fretting over what exactly you want.

Making one choice sacrifices the others. You may never get the chance to turn back around and choose another.

Sometimes, going up one way, over the others, is simply a no way out.

Life is all about choices, ain't it?

It's just a matter about how smart you are, how tuned in you are with your heart... and how much you're willing to take chances.

And how much you're willing to accept all consequences.


My backside has been itchy again these days.

Feeling upset about my job, I have been furiously applying for other opportunities.

And now, I may end up having to make a decision out of many mind-boggling choices.

I would like money, thank you very much.

But most of all, I would like to be happy - wherever I may end up. No more screwing up.

God, help me, ok? Just this once? Please?


Am I really prepared to make any life-changing move?

No, I don't think so.

But for this matter, I have no other choice... do I?


*****

I have been hanging out with a couple of kids these days.

And the best thing about hanging out with kids?

No, it's not that it makes you look young-er. Darn - at the pub, the waiter asked to see their IDs... but not mine. What the hell.

The best thing is that you get to speak uninhibitedly about dreams. Sans all the negativism you've gained over the years through life experiences.

Kids that are barely done with school. What do they really know about life and what it is about to offer them?

We speak happily of the things we dream of doing.

I spoke of the things I want to do in my life before I die.

I should get that list started. =)


*****

I have an unexpected game tonight. =)

With the people of the "3-stripes". Ha.

Sorry, brother. I'm gonna have to turn up late tonight.

I just can't pass this up.

Hypocrite

It's the first day of December.

Everytime it gets closer to Christmas, the realization that time flies really hits you then.

30 more days to go before the year ends. I really wish time flies quicker in this final month so I get to make fresh resolutions - all over from scratch - for my life ahead. Whatever's left of it.


I'm glad I got out of the office early today.

I saw the parking attendant just as I was driving out of the carpark.

Yeah, as usual, I haven't got my renewed season parking yet. I always forget, and I'm always too lazy to join the queue at the time of the month.

Phew.


I'm sleepy and I'm tired.

I'm starting a refreshed skincare plan because I'm getting the zits again. More cleaning, less picking, more frequent facials, more bird's nest, more masks, more hydration. And for that, I'm back to my mineral-water-only diet. Oh, and my honey. My favorite honey.

I love honey so much, I once had a dream of opening a store that sells anything honey.

Maybe I should be getting more sleep. Maybe that's what really matters.

But then, I can't give up my booze sessions. The only thing I look forward to these days.

Speaking of that, I have one tonight after training, and then another one tomorrow. Club-hopping, yeah that's what it's gonna be.

I'll just catch up on the snooze over the weekend, when I don't have to babysit.

Let's just see how my skincare plan turns out, and how long it's going to last.


I finally learn and understand a word today.

Hypocrite.

Sad, but true. Or is it?

Cork

How could this be?

They're shutting my Hoe?! (Ok, that didn't quite come off right, did it?)

Just don't screw anything up when you move, you arse-Hoes.

Don't mess up perfection.


Perfection.

That was exactly what I thought when I took my first sip last night - after going cold turkey for days.

I literally closed my eyes and smiled as the beer went down my throat. The oh-I-think-I'm-so-cool people of Bala must've thought me pretty uncool. Shooting an ad, or what, you think?!

Nothing comes close to ice-cold Hoe.

Mmm...


It was also a night of dirty talk with my good 'brother'. Over my Hoe and his Macallan.

"You played with my cork and made it dirty. You'd better clean it up."

"Stick your cork back into the hole, quick."

"Your cork touched him and he looked violated."

Things that make me go hmm... =)