Ready

"Your PowerBook is ready for collection at the Apple Service Center" was simply the headline of an email I received last night.

Yippeee!! =)

Bye

Sometimes, I hate goodbyes.

It could be just for the night. Or it could be for a few days or weeks or months of going away.

Or, it could even be forever.

However long it is going to take to stay apart, when you just don't want to miss someone, you just can't help but miss someone the minute you bid your last goodbye.

Still, I am glad I had the chance to have dinner and say goodbye last night. It sure was sweet, but sometimes you just never know where the last goodbye you've said might lead you to.

It would be a few weeks before we would see each other again.

Our work is bringing us places... different places.


Bye bye.

You have fun and take good care of yourself.

Tomboy

I found out, I'm pretty good in written Hokkien, but not in the spoken language.

Eh?

A friend - let's just call him Ah Beng since I'm the designated Ah Lian between the two of us - and I have cultivated this rather stupid habit of communicating in Hokkien - over MSN.

It all started with a simple greeting:

Ah Beng: Oei!

Ah Lian: Simi taiji?

... and the ball started rolling from there.

We would communicate in complete Hokkien sentences. For instance:

Ah Beng: Le si Hokkien lang?

Ah Lian: Wa eh lao pei si Hokkien lang, lao bu si kong hu lang.

...

Ah Beng: Le eh Hokkien wei bei pai leh.

Ah Lian: Bor lah, wa eh hiao sia, bei hiao kong.

...


When Ah Beng met Ah Lian, he said, "You really sound like you can speak Hokkien very well like a Lian over MSN. Eh, speak leh."

I hesitated and resisted, but in the end, succumbed to pressure and spoke a mere few words.

Ah Beng said, "Wahlau... your Hokkien sounds really bad man. Stop it."

See, I told you. Wa eh hiao sia, bei hiao kong.


Some call me 'tomboy', some call me 'ah lian'.

Sometimes, I even call myself 'tomboy', and sometimes, 'ah lian' too.

It's not that I'm very proud of being described as such, but there's not much of a point trying to deny what I might actually be, is there?

There's no running away from who I am and how I wanna be, and let's face it, I can never be as demure as the girl-next-door, much as I think I want to be.

I can be wearing a full skirt, lipstick and pretty earrings, but I'll be hitching up my skirt and striding over big steps, I'll be wearing my Nikes and a trucker cap, and I'll be laughing out loud and heartily at things that tickle me ever slightly.

I'll never be able to walk in three-inch heels and giggle with my mouth closed.

In any case, I'd rather be a 'tomboy' than a 'gu niang'. Anytime.

Momma

It's play-momma day.

And I don't really feel like working too hard anyway.

So I took a half day off work. Brought my girls to the groomer's. Finally. Amy the groomer shook her head at me, and said, "I think let's just cut their hair short; I see that you don't have time to maintain them anyway."

Bleh.

Bad momma.


This laptop just can't make it. Barely half an hour of usage, and the battery is down to almost half-bar. Urgh.

I miss my pBook.


I know what I'm gonna do now.

I'm going shopping. For my big-day present for myself.

The online shopping deal is off - I don't think I want to rely on anyone for my own shopping pleasures.

I do hope the town is empty for me today.

Please

What the fuck was I thinking?

Can I please just wake my fucking idea up?

Some things are just not worth everything anymore.

Please. Just let me go.

I don't want to live in your shadows no more.

I don't want to be no spare tyre no more. After all this while, I think I deserve more than just that.

Big Day

Even my mom had to ask the same: "Don't you have to wear shoes to work?"

Er, no Mom. I don't think so, and I don't care. My birkies fit me just fine.


I finally caved in and surrendered my pBook for a thorough check-up.

What changed my mind?

The realization that I'd be travelling over the next few weeks of October. I can't bear the thought of leaving my pBook behind when I do.

I think I'm already suffering from a mild case of withdrawal syndrome.


Oh, and I remembered today what I'll be doing on my big day. I almost forgot. How could I?

I'll be travelling. But for work. Oh, how nice.

And where to? KL again.

For one night, and then I'll zip off to Bangkok for the weekend. Not for anything else, but work.

But I'll make darn sure I'll make time, lots of time, for massages. And good ol' tomyam goong.

I wish, though, I could get some company for that Bangkok weekend. Then, I'd just make believe it's a birthday trip for myself. Haha.

Sigh...


There's yet another party this Saturday.

But this time, it'd be a non-toxic one, for sure.

A little boy, who happens to be born on the same day as I but 27 years later, turns one next week but is celebrating his big day this weekend.

His mommy was very sweet to have asked, "So, I can add your name on the cake if you want to, you know." Haha... not funny.

There'll be little ones at the party that day; I'm hoping I can bring my little man along so he can make little friends. =)


My girls are tired out from the day's excitement. They're both lying dead as logs on the floor, not moving an inch even as I walk out of the room.

That's a good sign - no noisy fights tonight.

I had absentmindedly left some important stuff at home this morning, and had to drive all the way back home to pick them up even before I could barely switch on my computer in the office.

Of course, the girls went bonkers the minute I opened the door.

What's Mommy doing home at this hour?!

I grabbed my stuff, ran down to my car, and then realized I still had forgotten some other stuff. Up eight storeys I went again, and this time, the girls went wild.

Did Mommy forget us?!

Sorry, girls. Mommy must've made your little hearts pump a lot faster unnecessarily.


Mommy didn't forget you tonight, though. And neither did your Papa.

I brought the girls out to watch their Papa play ball again. Been a while since we did that together.

I think the girls had fun. And the way they launched themselves all over him as soon as they heard his whistle-call, I think they missed their Papa.

Well, so did Mommy.


I don't think I can do much reading tonight.

I'm tired from all the driving around today too.


No decision has yet been made.

But some things seem much clearer to me now.

Let's just see first how this month goes for us.

Maybe... just maybe, absence might just make the heart grow stronger, and less fonder.

Or maybe... I don't know.

What's Worth Knowing

Little Ciaran has this writing board for a toy at my place.

I picked up the pen and sat him next to me.

I wrote the first letter 'P', and he dutifully read it out loud: "Pee!"

Pleased with the progress, I went on to jot down the next few letters, and he read each one out loud as I wrote.

I spelt 'P-I-P-E-R'.

And at the end, right after he read the letter 'R', he said: "Per-per!"

My eyes grew wide and my mouth broke into a grin.

I couldn't believe my ears, so I wrote Piper's name over and over again all over the board.

And everytime, the same process repeated: the little man would read each alphabet as I wrote and then shout 'Per-per' when the name was spelt out.

I felt this strange bond between the boy and the dog. Strange but true.

Piper may not get to see his own little human sister or brother for a long time to come, but I suppose this little human cousin should suffice.


And speaking of the dog... bad Piper. Naughty bitch.

She peed on my bed. Grrr...

Now I have to sleep blanket-less tonight.


I am reading a new book titled "What's Worth Knowing".

I don't suppose most people would know of it, nor even bother to read it.

Captivated by the cover of the book, I picked it up and in less than five, I had paid for the book and left the store.

The book is all about some real-life old people, and the wise words they have to offer from their own years of hard living.

Things such as these touch me.


*****

Make your days worth remembering.

There're two kinds of people - the ones who live hard and the ones who take it easy. The hard livers are tough on themselves. They take chances. They never stay comfortable for too long. The easy livers play it safe. They never push themselves. One year runs into the next, because the years are all basically the same.

To the youngsters, I say, live hard. This is your one and only life, the only show in town. You can't get any of your days back. Live as if you're going to be old someday, looking back on everything you did. It's everything you didn't do that will bug the heck out of you.

- wise words from a certain 89-year-old Bill Milton

Answers

I haven't been Mrs East Coast Bean for a while. So here I am, people-watching at the beach, enjoying my skinny latte and the late afternoon sun.

I was home early last night, but I slept very late and so woke up very late in the, er, afternoon.

The little man was in my house today, and he woke me up when he climbed up onto my bed to play-fight with Per-per. So sweet.

HIs father wonders why his son has adopted this violent style of play with Piper, but I dare not suggest perhaps he has just been watching and then copying the way I play with my dog. Haha.

I didn't have time to do much today, so I thought I would just grab my pBook and hang out at the cafe before deciding on dinner plans.

No plans for dinner as yet. Probably I should just sit here till my battery runs out, then head home and have baby porridge instead. I like my mom's baby porridge.


Much as I'd like to lead a normal life and be happy, I have no clue what makes a normal life for me now.

My lifestyle has taken a sudden 180-degree turn, and while I'm always trying to find things to keep myself occupied with in hope that the loneliness has no chance to creep back, I am not quite sure if I am comfortable with the way I live my life now.

After drinking for weeks, I have kept myself sober this entire week, very much thanks to the business trip in KL. I feel fine but I feel lonely as well. The drinking provides me company that I would otherwise miss out on. Maybe soon, I'll be hitting the bottles again.

From being someone's supposed life-partner since the 'early formative' years of adulthood, I find myself suddenly being thrown back into singlehood. I don't know what to make of it and I can't seem to cope with it, though people around me say it is for the better. Is it really? Is being single really better for me now?

While friends were happily dating around and having fun in their early twenties, I was happily living a partnership with a man who seemed to love me to bits. Some were envious and wished they had someone to settle down with too, but now I wonder if I was, in the end, the disadvantaged one.

Now, friends are the ones who are done with their dating days and settling down with their Ones, but I am the one who is thrown back into the singles market that they have ditched.

I probably would have been fine if I were a few years younger, but after being non-single for so long, I don't know how to be one anymore.

How do I play this game?

I hate breaking up couple time and making friends hang out with me. I don't like people accommodating me neither.

I just want to be alone sometimes, but I don't really want to be alone too.

And then, there are these questions. Questions that will forever be plagueing my mind. Questions that will never go away.

Can I ever have a normal life where I will have no more questions to find answers for?

In the plans that I had once visualized, I would've been happily settled by now, and channeling my focus from now on making my dream doggy business come true.

Now, that dream has to be put on hold. For a while, I hope.

I can't get out of this awful detestable corporate world. Not for now. I haven't amassed my fortunes upon which my dream would be built.

"The only way to really earn and save a lot of money is to get out of here and work as an expatriate. The amount of money you can save in two years overseas is nothing you can earn if you continue working here."

So the questions now floating in my mind promise me a whole new different life yet bother me at the same time.

Should I stay? Or should I go?

Would anyone really care if I go?

What more is there to lose now, if it has already been lost?

I know I care. It's that hope I don't want to lose. But is that hope worth staying for?

That's the only answer I need to find for myself now. And the rest will follow.

Bittersweet

"... Wah, you're home so early tonight?"

Yes, on a Saturday night, yes. I was home early.


For all the money I've been spending on my car, I tried to make use of it to earn some quick bucks back, but instead, I ended up having to fork out more money on it today.

It started with me spotting yet another 447 on the road while I was driving.

Deciding I shouldn't let an omen pass me by a second time, I threw my hope (and money) into lottery again - a twelve-permutational hope of my 744.

Nothing struck today, but I still have one more day to hope upon tomorrow.

Something else struck again tonight, though.

The traffic police... who else? These hardworking folks work 24/7, at every corner of the island. And I had to run into them tonight.

My wholesome plan tonight was to have dinner with wholesome best friend Lyn and not-so-wholesome hubby at their club. The club was running some swim event, so the carpark was shut out to all guests. Looking at the long line of cars parked along the road right outside the club, I did the only right thing to do then - follow suit.

Lyn assured, "Should be ok lah, people always park outside anyway." And so I happily proceeded for dinner, drinks, football and pool.

Four hours later, I returned to my car only to find that white slip of paper again tucked nicely under my windscreen wiper.

I am not quite upset yet, because I still have that lottery ticket in my hand. All is not over yet.

God, please be nice and give me a sweet present, willya?

And please, please, please keep them traffic people away from me. Please.


I had my virgin game of darts this evening.

I like it. Maybe because it gives me a chance to throw a sharp object at something. With all my brute force.

I always know I have a violent streak buried somewhere deep inside of me.

In darts, all you really need is just focus. Lots of undivided focus. Just like in pool.

Just focus... focus... focus on someone's face right there on the dartboard exactly where you wanna hit... bullseye!

Oh, but I learnt too that bulleyes ain't no big deal. You gotta hit triple 20 to have a big deal.


And ManU(re) lost.

MAN-U'RE sucky.


*****

Lyn and Fat-ric.

My happy almost-perfect couple friends. I am so happy for them.

And most of all, I'm so happy for her. She has probably found the best man of her life.

I see the way they talk to each other (not the lovey-dovey kind mostly), the way they tease each other, the way they poke fun and laugh at each other, the way they bicker. The way they complement each other.

The way they fit just like a pair of gloves.

Everything I see just reminds me of... us. How I see them now is probably how others saw us then.

So, this is how bittersweet-ness tastes like.


Finding that one perfect mate, that made-for-you soulmate is the best thing that could ever happen to your life. That I know.

Losing it could also be the most devestating thing ever. That I know too.

I think I know, because I have probably been through it all.

Karaoke

There's going to be a "block party" right downstairs tonight. Right outside my window, eight storeys down.

And block parties here aren't like those in hall-days - cool music, booze, food, fun crappy people.

Block parties here = karaoke session + lots of screaming kids.

And karaoke in my neighborhood = Teresa Tseng + Fei Yuqing crooners.

Not many people are quite free for me tonight. But my plans to settle for a quiet home-alone night to watch all the football have also been thwarted by the block party.

I need to get out, and stay out till it's safe to come back home.


Speaking of parties... I wonder how my big day this year would turn out to be.

Not that I always have bashes, but I am not making any plans for anything either.

I just really wanted a quiet dinner with someone precious.

I don't want anything from anyone. Presents at this age don't really count for anything unless they mean something.

Though I'm trying to use this as an excuse to splurge on something for myself. Presents for myself mean something ok - it means I love myself. Haha.

What precious gift for myself, I haven't decided yet though.

Maybe I'll do myself a bigger favor if I would save that money in my bank account.

Hmm...

Mrs Bean

I found a new Bean to hang out in.

It's quite a drive away from home or work, and parking's always a big headache here.

But I like this place. And the folks here still don't recognize me yet.


I was like a mom bringing her child to the doctor - I brought my baby pBook in to the customer care center.

My baby pBook. Only barely six months old, and already showing signs of problems. But just like six months in dog years is equivalent to three years in human years, six months in tech years is probably equivalent to ten human years. Horrors.

The 'nurse' suggested I leave my pBook and send it in for a check-up. For a few days or even up to a week.

What?!?!

Just like a over-protective mom, I declined admitting my child into the hospital. What? Not touch my pBook for days? You gotta be nuts.

"I'll see how it goes at home. I'll bring in on Monday if it's cranky again."

And it is already showing signs of crankiness now again. =(


*****

Oh. My. Gawd.

Jay Chou is just like the kind of man I'd fall in love with. Or maybe it's Takumi.

The pai kia with a soft heart. That is just so me - sucker.

Well, c'mon people. Don't laugh so hard. It wasn't as if I would never have a chance with Jay. I just passed it up... unknowingly.

I met him once. Standing two feet away from me.

But the only problem standing in our way then was... I didn't even know he was Jay then. Fark me.

I won't really explain how he ended up appearing in my office, but the friend he was visiting grabbed hold of me while I was walking past, and asked, "So... how do you like my friend?"

A Chinese-pop-idiot then, I was simply stupefied. How would I like your friend if I didn't even know him? "Er... I don't even know your friend." And I just walked away, without even so much as taking a glance at her 'friend'.

Just walked away! Just like that!

Jay Chou must've been so embarrassed by me, he would never want to be my friend anyway.

I snubbed Jay. And I wish I hadn't. Haha.


My night ended with a birthday girl who got pissed and then a bunch of boring bankers and accountants (ok except for my friend banker Ed).

I think my social skills have suffered badly. I can't bring myself to socialize with people who don't interest me at all.

What's up with me, man?


*****

I have tried being a good friend. Talking, crapping, laughing.

Unwittingly, I think I have set myself up for useless hope.

I think it's time for me to make some life decisions again.

"I think you're good and you should move out of Singapore, if you really want to progress."

Should I?

What's stopping me? Maybe it's that hope.

London

I'm going to the Starlight Cinema after all! =)

Time to pull out my picnic mat and go supermarket shopping for a nice outdoor dinner.

I'd like to make some sandwiches, but I doubt I'd have the time after touching down only in the afternoon.

Somehow, I'm really excited about going for my virgin outdoor cinema experience.

Did I just hear someone say 'mountain tortoise'?

Shuddup, inner-me.


Let's see now if I'll get to watch Quidam too. =)


I've been up on my poor feet the whole day. Walking, walking and more walking.

I was so looking forward to making use of that big luring bathtub tonight, but I realized I hadn't had the sense to get some bathsalts at the malls today. Darn.

The short nap I took in the car after lunch made me even more grouchy and tired during the second half of the market visit. I just cannot cut it as a shopaholic.

Liar!

I was not supposed to spend money in KL, but I'm going home with new clothes and shoes.

Didn't mean to. Really. Perhaps the fact that I can't get Miss Selfridge back home spurred me on.

So, I'm not cut out to be a walker, but I am still an impulsive shopper. LOL.


I am beginning to fall in love with London fashion.

The quirky kind. That is so me.

I so wish now I could go shopping in London one day. Hopefully soon.

=)

Unwittingly

I think unwittingly I have been sliding a few notches back.

Which would nicely explain the feeling I have inside these days.

The feeling neither warms nor pains me. It's just like a matter of fact, something I just can't help.

But I think what feels worse than the feeling itself , is the fact that I cannot do anything about it. There's nothing I can do nor I should do. I'm known to myself for doing stupid things.

I've learnt it's sometimes better to rein myself in.

And pray hopefully soon this awful feeling will pass. Just like it did once, albeit for only a while.


*****

"I really miss you a lot... sometimes."

Did I just do something stupid?

Maybe. But I still believe some things should always be said while you're still alive to do so... and while you still don't feel the regrets doing so.

You'll never really know when your time is up.


And I really wish I had someone to hug me close... and never let go.

Forrest, Josh & Peter

Now I know why they say, "Oh! Josh Harnett is sooo cuuute!"

Because he really quite is.

I watched not one, but two movies tonight. Urgh. Darn all these movie channels.

I was just done spending almost three hours watching 'Forrest Gump' (for like the third time?) when I thought I should just turn to the sports channel and get some work done at the same time.

But I switched to the next channel and there he was - Josh Harnett.

I think it was 'Wicker Park', but I didn't really care what it was.


Now, I'm just trying to start on some work. Finally.

With 'Peter Pan' showing on HBO. =)

For What?

I was holed up in the hotel room the whole of last night.

Somebody made me really pissed yesterday. Hmph!


I was so lazy and so clueless where to go, I ended up ordering room service.

I was supposed to be doing work, but I ended up stoning and keeping my eyes glued on the TV. I really kinda like the shows they have on StarWorld now. Pretty eccentric... I mean, the shows but I suppose it applies to me as well.

I was supposed to be sleeping, but I ended up flipping the channel to StarMovies and watching 'Pirates of The Carribean' till 3 in the morning. I've been dying to watch this movie, but never found the chance nor time to. I am liking Johnny Depp more and more; he cracked me up.

I ended up falling asleep with the TV still on. I always do that in hotel rooms.


But really. The whole night, I was just simply waiting for someone to pop me a message.

For what, I really don't know.

Yoda

Boss-less

The Hilton in KL is perhaps like the coolest hotel I've ever stayed in.

Ok... maybe I take that back.

The Metropolitan in Bangkok was beautiful too, with a bathroom the size of maybe twice my bedroom. And I happen to have a weird thing for bathrooms in hotel rooms. Every shampoo, soap, towel was aromatherapeutic or organic. That's what you get for staying in a spa hotel.

The Sheraton in Phuket was quite cool too. The bathroom (again) was unique and cosy. The view from the balcony was awesome in the evenings.

Well, the Hilton KL is like... cool. It's like a dream bedroom come true. The bathroom... oh my gawd, the bathroom.

Pictures will follow later when I get hold of my digicam cable back at home.


Without my job, I suppose I would never have had the chance to stay in these posh places (nor eat in all those fancy restaurants).

I'm a cheapskate. Budget hotels (and cheap hawker food) work just fine for me. Well, at least, while I think I'm still young enough to handle shabbiness.


Oh yeah! The menu button on my toy is miraculously working again! And I have no idea what my miraculous fingers did. =)


I'm boss-less for this entire trip, though I'll have to entertain a visitor from Hong Kong from Wednesday till Friday.

I like the freedom. But also, I'm starting to feel this painful sense of loneliness.

Not just on this trip. But just plain lonely in my life.


I shouldn't have arrived at the airport so early in the afternoon, and I even thought I was running late.

I should've left the office even later, and then rushed from the check-in counter to the gate. Then I wouldn't have had time to loiter around the departure hall.

The airport somehow depresses me now.

The people in uniforms that walk in the halls with their nicely-coiffed buns upset me. So do these people who walk up and down the aisles serving coffee or tea or juices.

I even hate having to fly with these people. Good thing it wasn't my money that goes into their paychecks.


God, what is happening to me?

Why do I have all these evil hateful thoughts in my mind?

Why are you letting this empty feeling creep back into my life now?

Yeah, Right

Someone must've fed me some poisonous shit at the party last night. LOL.

Better not to think about it. I think I must have fun.


I had planned to go back to the office today.

But one, I woke up too late.

Two, I decided I was hungry when I woke, and thought I should grab someone for lunch before I headed back to work.

We ended up taking a two-hour late-lunch break.

A PDA-phone is what I am dying to own now. But I'm trying to talk myself out of it. I have a Palm already, and I should stop spending my money on gadgets. They are far too expensive toys for me.


The third reason why I didn't end up at work: the Man United-Liverpool match.

One phonecall, and I made a U-turn somewhere along the highway towards Brewerkz.

I'm good tonight, though. I couldn't even finish one glass of ale. Haha.


Man United makes my heart bleed.

There are just too many things around me associated with them Devils now.

And they couldn't even score one bledy goal tonight.

Sigh.


Am flying to KL tomorrow for a week.

The thought of staying in KL for five days kinda depresses me. And I have no idea why. LOL.

And I am also so ill-prepared for the trip. I really should've gone to the office today.

My chicks are now toying with the idea of popping by KL on Friday. Party time.

Should I?


*****

"Tmrw got appointment... Next week or smthg."

Yeah, right. As if.

Wireless-less

It is such a beautiful blue-sky day. I love it.

So beautiful, it is giving me mixed feelings. I'm happy to see blue skies, but I'm also a little irritated I'm perspiring like mad walking on the streets, driving in the car, sitting in the cafe. And I'm already wearing the lightest possible.

So beautiful, I'd have been even more elated if I were at the beach today with the girls. My bikinis are rotting and turning mouldy in my wardrobe. But then, this isn't a day for the beach; I have too many errands to run.

So beautiful, I should've been washing my car. But I am really too tired... and lazy to do so myself. So, I did what I have been resisting - I went to the car wash. It ain't that bad, actually. Six men hand-washing my car while I sat inside - it sure did feel good. Haha.

The car now looks brighter and shinier in ten minutes than it did under my two-hour washing. I think I know what to do in future.

Alternatively, I can counter-bargain with someone: wash my car instead, and I will give you lifts when you need one. Ha.


I forgot to pay my bills, and my cable and wireless services were cut off last night. LOL.

I got hell from Pa, but I found it harder to cope without logging on to the net.

The good thing was, I had nothing to distract me from rest, and I fell asleep immediately after a bath.

I am so addicted to the Internet. It felt so much like a major itch relieved when I got my Internet restored.


It was a busy Friday night.

I dumped my work at 6, and left for sundowners with my girls at Ice-Cold. I think we are just addicted to their chicken wings now. A tad expensive, but never mind the price when it comes to good food that satisfies your craving.

Then it was J Bar where the drinking buddies were finishing up their bottle of Chivas. Question: why is everyone so hooked onto Chivas now?

Last stop: Siam Supperclub. Some guy was celebrating his birthday. It was a wild crowd, but I was spared. Phew.

I was still up and standing at the end of the night - surprise surprise.

The drunkards all headed home. I decided I was hungry and went for my fish porridge at River Valley. Hmm... hot soup after drinks... nice.


The party tonight.

The A-list party. Where everyone is supposed to go dressed up as anything that begins with the letter 'A'.

Auntie. Ah Lian. Ang moh. Antelope. Ang ku kueh. Anita Mui. Ally McBeal. Ant. Anus. Asshole.

I haven't decided if I should go.

One, I still have no clue what to dress up as.

And two... I might just see someone there. And I'm just not too sure about it.

But it's a housewarming-cum-birthday party. I know I'd hate it if friends don't turn up at my own housewarming.

Urgh.


Gotta run now and finish up my errands. I might get to see my favorite nephew later. =)


My favorite movie soundtrack ever? It's a toss-up between 'Romeo And Juliet' and 'You've Got Mail'.

Can't decide now.

Single

A short and crazy email conversation between me and best friend Lyn yesterday during work-hours went like this:

Me:
It's Thursday! It's ThursdaY!!

Lyn:
Yeah boy! so glad it's Thursday.
though still have this wish that it was Friday...haha.
So what you up to these days?
Still hangin out at wireless cafes?

Me:
me? sometimes, but a bit less. going out with friends. drinks.
i'm going crazy.
crazy crazy crazy. and stupid.

Lyn:
Crazy huh?! Let me give you some antidote.....Use poison for poison.
Meet your crazy friend.
So when is good for you?

Me:
yes crazy crazy crazy.
i'm going nuts. bonkers. siao liao.
shit lah, my ipod menu button not working.


Later in the evening, I did something I've never done before.

I had a late-night drink with Lyn at Bala.

Yes, it was my best friend Lyn at Bala, she who doesn't touch a single drop of alcohol. And yes, it was late-night, though it was only half past ten when we met.

More likely than not, you'd usually catch us having a feast in some food center or stacking up colored plates at the conveyor belts of Sakae. And if we couldn't meet for dinner, we'd usually end up not meeting at all.

So, you see. Me actually receiving messages from her after we had our own dinner plans last night, and actually arranging to meet up for drinks later - it was totally out of whack for me.

Me and Lyn at Bala at eleven on a Thursday night? Yeah, I know. Weird sighting.

"Wah. So why you suddenly want to hang out so late tonight?"

"Erm... dunno. Because I'm concerned about you?"

Lyn, you don't know how much that touched me. I am so so thankful for you. =)


And I am also so thankful for all my girlfriends.

They are all a blast.


*****

Bumped into yet another one-time buddy, good old Ed, at Bala last night.

What's up with all these men of my past? Can they stop crossing my path? Not this way, at least.

Ed: The best thing about being single is that you get to rediscover life and yourself again and not worry about making someone else happy.

WTF??

Me: The best thing about being single is... you don't get hurt by men no more. =)


*****

Being single... feels a little funny. Most times.

Maybe I'm just not used to it... yet.


Just like how Piper has Gracie, I wish I had a companion too.

MBA

Me and my chicks - we've signed up for an 'MBA' course together.

School: Ice Cold Beer.

Fees: No upfront fees required. But the 'MBA' is not going to come cheap either.

Course duration: One month.

Course description: Complete a course of all of the 50-over different kinds of beers at Ice Cold within a month, and get a t-shirt, a certificate and your name up on the honor roll on the walls of the pub. And voila - you are a certified 'MBA'.

Hmm. This kinda reminds me a lot of Boracay...

I don't really recall which of the three things - the t-shirt, the certificate or the honor roll - enticed us to sign up for the MBA.

I think it's really just for the challenge. And for fun. And for the 'forced' opportunity to guzzle down all the beer. Or maybe we were just under alcoholic influence then, ha.

We figured: assuming no one travels, it works out to be only less than two bottles every night for a month. Ahh... can lah.

Thing now is, we don't know when the one-month course starts. And neither does the staff at Ice Cold.

That's a little tricky there. I'll be travelling heavily from next week till the end of October - what if I only have like five sober days left in Singapore to finish up the 50 bottles?

And also - when and how then are we going to start our training for the 'MBA' course??

Tonight, perhaps. Lesson number one.

This MBA thing sure as hell tickles the funny bone outta me.

It's Piper Day!

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to my baby-waby Piper-doo-di-doo!
Happy Birthday to you.

Go Piper... it's your birthday... we're gonna party now... it's your birthday...

My baby turns five today.

Gosh, five. I dread to think...

I will always always remember the day I first met her, the day I first brought her home with me, the days we spent watching her grow in her very first home - not my home.

The day she first learned to climb stairs. The day she first learned to swim in the sea.

Piper will always be my Piper. I want to ink her name forever on me. Hmm... sounds like an idea.

I am going to shower her with loads of kisses tonight.

Oh, but first, I must remember to pick up her food. Ha.


Luff you, Pipes. Be good and healthy ok.


*****

"Hmm... since when did you like dogs so much?"

Well, honey, I wish I could say it was because of you and your silkies.

But... I don't think so. =)

Disgust

It's so sad, and such a shame.

My new colleague, newly relocated from Taiwan, is settlingly nicely into her new surroundings. She has set up home in Queenstown, and travels to work by train. That takes her a good hour on commute every morning.

And my colleague is pregnant. Very pregnant, in fact. She's probably about to pop sometime next month.

"Wow. An hour on the train. That's long. But it's ok, at least you get a seat for that hour..."

"Erm. No, actually..."

!!! WTF?!

I actually felt so bad and ashamed on behalf of my fellow Singaporeans.

What's wrong with people?

Can't they see? Can they not tell the difference between a fat woman and a pregnant one?

Have they no heart?

I am totally sickened with disgust.

Unlikeable

I'm not very likeable, am I?

It's just one of those days you feel the loneliness, and you feel no one loves you.

I hope it passes tomorrow.

Craving

I should be getting some rest but here I am, lying in bed - craving for a hot bowl of instant noodles.

All because someone mentioned 'instant noodles' over MSN.

Urgh. I cannot get the thought of the noodles out of my mind.


I did have my favorite Chinatown porridge for dinner, though. Finally.

If not for my impromptu suggestion, we'd have ended up at Newton or Adam's for dinner after our usual basketball game.

I am happy when a craving is satisfied. =)


Thanks to the crazy rains these days, now I need to give my car another wash. It's horribly, undescribably dirty and muddy.

Urgh. Hopefully I can find some time this weekend.

If it doesn't rain. Haha.


Tonight marks the last day we're playing at Tanglin.

We're getting a new home, a new team. Nice indoor court, equipped gym, proper showering facitilities - but I'm going to be missing the very first formal training. Bleh.

I'm going to get thunder-thighs again from the gym trainings, I bet. No more scrawny legs.

Well, the move is just timely, I'd say.

It's the Mooncake Festival this weekend. No more carrying lanterns at Tanglin this year. LOL.


"where got chuck out of memory one... no such thing la."

Haha yeah, maybe you're right, buddy.

Maybe you're right. =)

"... i really wanna see you again..."

I've been acting out of character lately.

Or maybe they weren't really out of character but had always been suppressed by my better senses.

Should I do that? What might happen if I said that? What if? Then how? Better not...

I just don't want to give a hoot anymore. Maybe I don't have 'better senses' after all.

Look what happened, just when I thought I had the world.

Anyway, I figure I don't have nothing much left to lose now, do I?


Things happen for a reason.

But when they happen so fast, I no longer know what is going on, nor why they are happening.

I don't know what is right and what is wrong, what is really meant for me.

Maybe I am not supposed to know - not right now at least.

Life has nothing but crossroads laid in front of you - till the day you die.

And sometimes life doesn't wait for you.


When confusion comes on to tempt you further while you're already confused, and you just can't seem to figure out anything, don't think.

Just don't think so hard anymore and suffer yourself.

You're not a God - maybe you're not supposed to figure everything out.

Just like when you lose your bunch of keys. If you stop looking so hard, they will just pop up somewhere right before you.


I never thought I'd be living my life this way now.

Then again, I never even thought my life would end up this way as well.

And since my life is already in such a mess, I might as well just continue doing all the stupid things before I start regretting anything.

I'm like a fucking 28-year-old-to-be living like a 21-year-old.

How nice my life is turning out to be.


I've been looking into my phone messages and smiling secretly to myself.

Men probably still can't be trusted with their sweet tongues.

But did I say I want to trust anyone?

Lazy + Scrawny = Me

Conversation with a not-so-close friend:

"So did you do the Army Half Marathon yesterday?"

"No... lazy to."

"The Terry Fox run?"

"Er... no... lazy to."

"So what have you been up to?"

(WTF??)

"Working... and bumming?"


Conversation with a closer friend:

"Did you do the Sheares Bridge yesterday?"

"No... lazy to. LOL."

...

"So what have you been doing these days?"

"Drinking? LOL!"


And I suppose that was a more honest answer. Haha.


I haven't run for the longest time.

People are talking about me in the office being the fastest girl-runner, but I'm just a pack of lazy bones now.

I've given up my triathlon training because I just don't feel like it.

Maybe I still don't feel like doing it, or anything else. But I think I gotta do something soon at least.

Like, maybe run.


Ticklish moment of the week (so far):

"Wahlau, your legs are like damn scrawny now lor - have you not been exercising these days?"

LOL.

Sweet

It was such a sweet surprise I met someone for dinner last night.

All thanks to the downpour that everyone else had been cursing at.

I did someone a favor, and I got a hug in return.

Sweet deal, ain't it?

=)

Missing Frisco

I miss Frisco.

I was just browsing through my library of pictures when I came across all 300 over (or was it five hundred?) pictures I took in my three short days in Frisco.

And I suddenly miss Frisco a lot now.

Those days travelling on my own were so fun.

The place was so beautiful. I really love it.

I miss those Italian cafes and their creamy lattes.

I miss the adventurous treks I took - all the diversions that brought me places that amazed me so.

I actually miss the dingy little hostel room I shared with three other girls.

I wished then that someone was with me to experience it all.

But then, if someone was with me then, would it have been the same fun? Maybe. Maybe not.


I miss Frisco so much now I am actually wishing I could go back there.

Or anywhere else in the world where I could explore on my own again. Somewhere beautiful enough to make me want to click away on my camera five hundred times... or maybe even more.


I really gotta post those pictures somewhere on the net.

Per-per! Gwatie!

I finally had some good rest over a three-hour nap... on Dino's couch.

Of all places.

Dino had us over at her place while the hubby was out of town on a mission. So sweet of her to have cooked dinner for all of us hungry bitches - pasta, soup, salad, nuggets, pot stickers and we added onto the list with barbequed chicken wings because that was what we were really craving for. Ha.

We sat ourselves around the living room, me alone hogging the big couch.

The television was turned on and we were watching 'Men In Black 2' while eating and chatting at the same time.

Well, it was actually more of them chatting; I was only engrossed in the movie - I love the Fresh Prince.

I ate too much, got a bit too drowsy, laid myself upon the couch while watching the movie.

And the next thing I knew, I woke up to see the clock almost at midnight.

Karks had left, Gan was also sleeping, and only Dino and Miss Tan were left chatting.

The TV was still on.

And all I could do when I woke up was to say groggily, "Oh no, almost 12. I wanna go home."

Haha - what a bitch I am.

Sorry, girls. Should never have another gathering at anyone else's house with a big couch in future. We should just stick to our prata shop in Thomson.

I cannot make it.


Oh, and I missed the ice-cream bit. =/


Mom was out the whole of yesterday spending time with her grandson.

I can see she's very pleased.

Little Kieran can't decide if he likes me or not. Well, actually, I'm the one who can't decide if the little one is afraid of me, or just simply shy.

I think he just likes fiddling with all my gadgets.

One thing for sure, he likes my girls - "Per-per" and "Gwatie". He sings their names out loud.

He plays rough with Per-per, grabbing her head by the ears and 'slamming' it against the floor - which Per-per absolutely appreciates.

He tries doing the same to Gwatie and she scoots off to hide. Sigh.

He sits in the dog bed and plays with them, and he feeds them their food, kibble by kibble.

Three rascals in the house now.

But I think Mom is happier than anything else.

Baby Cheng

Head check: here, but not really here.

Man, the aftermath always sucks.


You never really know how fucking small the world, or more specifically Singapore, is until you keep meeting people, friends of friends, who also turn out to be friends of your other friends.

Sometimes the reaction to the realization is surprise, but mostly these days, all I get a lot is shock.

"!!! You mean you are... " Haha, this is the normal kind of reaction I get now.

Hmm. I am supposed to be getting excited over new people I am supposed to be meeting - and not over people from the past that I keep bumping into these days.

But oh well. The night was fun anyways.


Baby Cheng.

Now it is all coming back.

That was me. A long time ago.

It feels good to be loved, doesn't it? To be loved so specially.

Football

"So you doing anything tonite?"

"Not sure yet. At home catching the manchester derby first. You?"

"No plans. Everyone's home tonite watching the derby game."

"Yeah. Wouldn't miss it for the world. Text you later, play by ear. Or, you got any suggestions?"

"No. Nothing a woman says can pry a man away from his football..."

Period.


I think the pub business must be suffering a little tonight.

All thanks to the Man United-Man City derby match.

Every man I know of is staying home tonight. Even the girls.


Only six more minutes of play, and Man United is in deep shit for conceding a careless goal.

I don't proclaim to be a Red Devil but I do have a love-hate relationship with them Devils.

I am especially critical of them - but then, I would only stay in to watch their games.

The power of influence, I say.

Surprise-less

I was so so very afraid of oversleeping and missing my Jade Moment - which would have been very expected of me - I woke up every hour since 4 in the morning to check on the time.

I didn't miss the appointment - but I was so tired and the session made me so relaxed, I left the spa feeling more groggy than refreshed.

Good thing the session cost me less than sixty bucks. It wasn't great at all.

The mask they applied on my face must have contained some hallucinating substance. For God-knows-how-long they left me alone with the mask on, I fell into a strange sleep and started dreaming of weird stuff that seemed so surreal.

It was almost scary.

Sigh. I got up so early on a Saturday morning for nothing.

Now I badly need a bed to lie on before dinner.


Phew. No more surprises for me today.

But I saw a few good friends I haven't seen in a long while. And I had plenty of a good laugh today, despite the sleepiness.

Hapyfish - your man is so darn funny. You lucky girl.


Oh, I toyed with the vending machine today. The kind where you can send an SMS to buy a can of drink.

Haha, so suaku but so fun.

All because I had no coins nor a cashcard with me.

Thank God for technology.

Him

Oh, what a night.

I am totally messed up inside now. I didn't expect this, but I don't know why it is happening.


I don't know if I should be glad I broke my vow and attended the wedding.

My buddy - my good friend in primary school, his good friend in secondary school.

It was only natural I would see him again in a small ceremony where only close friends were invited.

Still, I didn't even think he'd be there.

I didn't even think he'd ever appear in my life again.


Feelings I thought I had safely locked away in the memory box all came rushing back.

All the 'whys' started popping up in my mind, and after a few beers, I sat him down next to me.

I asked all the questions I had kept in my vault, and he duly answered. Do I sense pain and remorse in him?

His answers fit exactly the ones I had devised for myself 12 years ago when he just left without a goodbye.

He has just managed to add yet another dimension of confusion in my confused life now.


We parted with a hug tonight.

The hug that I had been waiting for all this time. The goodbye hug that had been owed to me for 12 years.


There is another party going on next weekend, and he was in the guest list. I was already contemplating for weeks if I should turn up. After all, I was wondering what it would be like seeing him after 12 years, and I thought perhaps it'd be best I avoided that awkward situation.

But now.

"So are you going to the party next week?"

"I would, if you are."

Is this another of those men-thing? The sweet-talking thing?


I have no fucking idea why I feel this confusion in me right now.

I really didn't think seeing him would turn me over upside down. Not after I had done a good job leaving this all behind.

I don't know what I am feeling. And where my heart is.


God, I asked for help.

Not for more tricks.


I'll sleep over this, wake up bright and early for my Jade Moment, and hope there won't be any more surprises for me at the wedding tomorrow.

Buddy

My buddy from primary school is getting married today.

And I'm breaking my vow and attending the solemnization ceremony.

I just cannot bring myself to call him and say I wasn't going to make it. He seems so happy these days. I have to go and be a real friend to him.

I just hope I stay strong throughout the ceremony.

Dinners aren't so bad - all you get is folks around you at the table asking when your turn might be.

But solemnization ceremonies, especially the religious kinds, will go on and on about the vows and virtues of love and marriage. I used to love listening to them, and if ever the man was with me, I would squeeze his hand as I listened, and sometimes even give him a kiss at the real good parts.

Today, I just hope I won't think too much about anything.

Sigh, the trial I'm going through all for a friend.


This buddy of mine, he and I have been good pals, though not that close, for donkey years.

I know he used to like me a lot since primary school days. I just liked him being around as a friend because this joker sure can make me laugh. Man.

We split in secondary school days because we both went our separate ways to single-ed schools. Neighboring schools though, so once in a while we would meet up especially during track training days.

We became schoolmates again in junior college, and even became teammates in track.

I was always hanging out with the guys. We all had a blast of a time in those track days. Trainings would never have been the same without them. The other girls were too... girly.

And that was when I found out my primary school buddy still had a liking for me. After all these years. There he was, watching me having crushes on this one senior and never really giving a thought about him.

But nothing happened. We never said anything to each other. We simply continued being friends who enjoy each other's craps and jokes.

I just hope he understands.


So today, I am feeling really happy for him. Happy that he has finally found the love, and will be living his dream soon.

I think he might be shocked if he knew about my life, but then, I don't think he'd ever have the mood to ask about me today. =)

Congratulations, buddy.


Since I'm breaking my vow today, I might as well attend another wedding tomorrow.

It'll be a church ceremony. Urgh.

There's surely going to be a long talk about love and marriage.


I'm going for my Jade Moment before the wedding. Does it seem weird? I thought it did. Haha.

Goof

Wahahahaha.

I am really going 'commando' today - by pure accident, I swear.

And I didn't even realize it till I went to the loo just a while ago.

Eh? How come no underwear to remove?

Wahahahaha.


I am so amused by myself I want so badly to tell someone about it.

But there's no one for me - so I'm just gonna tell everyone here. Haha.

Of all the goofiness I can portray, this is probably the worst, and funniest, so far.


And speaking of 'commando' reminds me of something.

Something I ought to return to its rightful owner.

Moo

Moomoolife = cowlife = 做牛做马 = my life

Geddit?

At least, that's some life better than no life, yah?


Got this over email:

You are a special girl with that 'X' factor so don't waste it on people who don't value it. People can promise you stuff but what they do is more telling.

Things happen for a reason.

Pain is God's megaphone.


I like that.

And you know what? That kinda woke me up a little more, gave me faith a little more. I only hope I know what I'm doing from now.

Maybe pain really is what I have to go through to find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Well, it'd be great if that pot of gold is literally a glimmering pot of gold. But it'd be heaven if I find my happiness again.

Only thing is, I still don't see any color in my life, I don't see no rainbow.

Someone please show me that rainbow.


Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

But sometimes absence makes the heart grow achier instead. And it makes one's eyes see everything in the picture much much more clearly - the way they should be seen.

Tortoise

Wednesday night: finally a night-out without touching a single drop of booze.

Only pizza and Ben & Jerry's. 3 girls, 2 guys, a chin and a tortoise.


I really had a great time, though, with this close-knit bunch of friends who matter a lot to me.

Friends who matter because, despite all that had happened, the friendship and companionship stays the same. No judgement, no pity, no questions - just lots of laughter and crapping around.

I kinda love these guys.

Thanks, guys. That's just what I need and appreciate now.

Awaiting the Samui trip, yah.

***

If I had a cat, it would've long been killed by my curiosity.

T-O-R-T-O-I-S-E: "tor-toys" or "tor-teez"?

Kill me.

Character and Brains

It was a chance for me to change my life. At least in my work life.

I wondered why I was approached. I have absolutely no experience whatsoever in what I was asked to take up.

"Because of your character and your brains. I cannot afford to pay someone who is not up to it. I know you can do it."


Such faith and confidence placed in me scare me a little.

Trying out something totally new, something that will pick on my brains and creativity, excites me.

But having someone put such faith in me, someone so willing to let me try it out despite leaving no chances for failure, is quite a huge challenge to take.

What if I fail his expectations?

I fear letting him down.

I know firsthand the feeling of being let down.

Though perhaps being let down professionally wouldn't feel as bitter as let down emotionally, I guess.


It is a little start-up with an office based in one of those cool old houses in Holland Village.

He who wanted to hire me is an ex-colleague-turned-photographer, and now partner of a small firm dealing in other marketing aspects.

He wanted me to think creative and write for him. Isn't writing what I've always wanted to try out?

It would be cool, working in a Mac-based office, I thought. It would be great working and learning with him. It would be marvellous, still being able to wake up at 8 and go to work in slacks. It would be fun, being able to meet new people in my life.

Except for one little issue.

The job wouldn't be able to pay for my car and my life. There is just a little too much for me to give up.

I can perhaps give up buying new gadgets and books and shoes. I can forget about buying my Oris.

I can perhaps even drink less.

But I have plans of getting my own pad, and of travelling. And I have only the car left to sustain the life I have now.

What then?

"Don't let your money commitments tie you down. If the car is too expensive to maintain while you're exploring, sell. You can borrow my van for your basketball training."

"But money isn't everything too and to judge a whole career or lifetime of work by money earned will leave you poorer for it in other ways."

Money isn't everything, I know. But money now can buy me the life I want to build all over again.


Perhaps it is bad timing, I say.

If things had still been well, I know someone would've given me his blessings and money wouldn't have been an issue at all. I would've been able to sacrifice the money I would be giving up.

Things would have been easier. The decision would've been easier.

My life perhaps would have been easier too.


It's no use thinking of all the 'ifs' and 'buts' now.

I am what I am, and I only have what I have now.

And the decision still has to be made.

If Only

Tuesday night. Wala.

Couldn't help it.


The earlier half of the night was spent at a buddy's place, discussing the possibilities I have opened to me in my near-future.

I wish I could jump into it.

But I have too much to consider.

Perhaps this is all just a timing issue. It just came at a very bad time.

If only things had still been good, then I might've. Then I would've.


I am happily pilfering songs off my buddies' desks at work.

This isn't piracy.

This is sharing.

Faith

"Hang in there sweetie.
You are a wonderful wonderful person, and life has many great and lovely things in store for you."

"You are a lovely girl... your future partner will be very blessed to have you."


Words and faith that I breathe in and live on everyday now.

Sometimes they help.

Sometimes I just wish someone else had thought the same too.

Zup Zeng Kia

Crazy thought of the day.

Maybe I do have a chance after all to have one of those big-headed, big blue-grey-eyed, chubby-cheeked 'zup zeng kia' of my own.

And while I'm at this idea, I might as well find one of those really exciting ones like Frenchs or Spanishs or Italians.

But then, 'ang moh' men, whether American or English or French or Japanese or Singaporean, are all still men, I'm quite sure.

All men cannot be trusted.


Then again, whoever said I wanted a man?

I only want a 'zup zeng kia'.


Haha. The kind of thoughts that go through my mind while I'm pretending to be at work.

Numb

I said, less drinks this week.

One phonecall on Monday night, and I was down at Eastside by nine.

Sigh.


Someone sent me a present! =)

It was that Elva song I was searching all over the world for.

Thank you. That was such a sweet gesture... coming from you. Haha.

Now I have the song, I have the lyrics. You bet I would be putting it on repeat mode for a while.


Nobody spotted my mistakes. Not even myself.

It's 'Ciaran' - not 'Kieran'. Gawd, what kind of an aunt am I?

That kiddo was at my house the other day when I wasn't home, toddled into my room, jumped up onto my bed, pointed his tiny little finger at my pictures posted on the wall and started calling "Gu-gu... gu-gu... gu-gu..."

And all I could reciprocate was to get his name wrongly spelled?

I oughta to be shot. And mauled. And stoned. Killed.


The brand new IKEA catalog finally appeared in my mailbox. It's about time.

I have always loved the fresh-out-of-print smells of the IKEA catalog. I always love finding it in the mailbox.

I just love looking through the catalog over and over again for nothing really, and browsing through the big store over and over again - for nothing really too.

This year, however, even seeing the IKEA catalog makes me a little sad, a little depressed.

I think I won't be browsing through the store anytime too.


Up down up down up down.

"What up down up down? Your network connection?"
"No lah - my mood lah."

I can feel the emptiness creeping back - for no rhyme nor reason. Or maybe there is.

I no longer know if I'm feeling the love or if it's just the remnants of it I'm feeling.

There's just too much numbness inside of me.

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cos your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I'm been alone all along

No Hope

I sure have a very irritating way of bumping into friends these days.

As in, I would literally bump right into them. LOL.

Spot a friend right ahead, lower my head before I am spotted, quicken my steps towards him/her, give him/her a square bump shoulder to shoulder (or sometimes if I lose my orientation, it might even be chest to chest, haha) and scare the hell outta him/her.

It usually works for me. It gives me such a kick to see the shock on their faces. LOL.

I can really be a weirdo, an irritating queer crazy woman at times. Hmm.


I threw ten bucks into buying some remote hope upon striking fortune with some four-digit numbers.

Haven't really done that in a long while, never really felt I could make it in lottery. I always kinda knew I would never have it easy with money and whatever riches; I am more inclined to think I'm born to toil in this life of mine.

But anyway, I had too many coincidences with numbers this weekend to justify myself one more try.

I saw a fellow '744' parked just two cars away from me today. Well, that '744' belonged to a Mercedes, so if I'm lucky enough, I might just become the other Mercedes with a '744', I thought. Hmm.

Just last night, we saw two exactly similar silver Camrys parked right next to each other - one was a '4184' and the other '4148'. We really thought they must've belonged to the same crazy-nut family, but they didn't. Hmm.

And yesterday too, little Kieran kept reading the '7525' on his daddy's car as '7523'. My 4D guru of a father decided his little grandson must be giving him some 'omen'. No harm in believing the old man, yah? Hmm.

Ok, long story cut short - my ten bucks got flushed down the drain.


My knees are horrifyingly quite sore by the time I was on my way home tonight.

I must really have worn myself out with all the walking about this weekend.

I think I do deserve that Jade Moment next Saturday.


I have been doing nothing tonight since I came home except fiddling with my new toy and stuffing it up.

I got two CDs from Chinatown - both Mandarin. Tsk tsk, so un-Fatmama.

I am liking that 'Soybean-Milk Fried-Dough' song more and more - I think pretty soon I would master the song and can belt it out at the karaoke. LOL.

But can somebody please tell me the title of that damned Elva Hsiao song?!

Break

Taking a break from my errands.

Actually, I just wanted to take a seat at a cafe and listen to my new toy for the first time. Hur hur.

I like. =)


I'm only like half done with my errands for the day. But I feel like I've already travelled half the island. Blame it on the lousy weather that causes the lousier traffic.

Oh I did have a very late brunch at Bedok. Ha. But while it satisfied my craving finally, it didn't at all satisfy my tastebuds. I felt like I was eating cold leftovers from breakfast. Maybe fried bee hoon is after all best left for early breakfast huh.


Oh yeah! Queen rocks!


I've been back to Sim Lim three weekends in a row. All because of the stupid fooking Razor.

And I hate going to Sim Lim because of the stupid traffic in that area. I suspect my fuel consumption has suffered in recent weeks because of all my errands into town. Running on lower gears all the time doesn't save me money. Urgh.


Gwen Stefani and No Doubt rock too!


I saw a DBS Woman's Card promotion the other day, and wanted to try it today. Two treatments for just 58 bucks - can you beat that?

Revitalizing Jade Moment (duration 2 hours)

AromaStone Therapy Message
During this therapy you will be dry-exfoliated with a soft bristle brush before smooth and heated volcanic stones which are dipped in ylang ylang oil are centered on 'key energy points'. Smaller 'shiatsu' stones anointed with warm essential oils of jasmine and vanilla are used as extensions of the therapist's thumb to work out the knots in muscles. It's touches like these that make you fall asleep instantly.

Japanese Silk Booster Facial
This 60mins indulgence includes cleansing, toning hot lavender compresses, exfoliation, acupressure massage and final touch of silk fabric mask that stretches over your face to enhance the penetration of rich Vitamin C serum. Resulting in radiant and smoother complexion.

All these marketing talk sounds very good, right?

For all I know, the therapist could be just some China- or Thai-girl the spa employs for low cost. The stones could be just any stone picked up anywhere around the streets, or at best, some stones picked up from Lake Toba while touring the volcano.

Still, I just feel a need to pamper myself again. And to keep me occupied during weekends.

The spa is closed on Sundays. I will have my Jade Moment next weekend.


You got mud on your face
You big disgrace
Somebody better put you back into your place
We will, we will rock you
Sing it
We will, we will rock you

Oh yeah, rock me, baby!

If Queen was still around today, I'd pay anything to go for their rocking concert.


Ok - gotta run. Have two other places to run to.

I'm gonna buy me more CDs. I think I'll be quite busy tonight stuffing up my new toy. =)

Funny

Time check: 12 noon.

The crazy weather is killing me.

I didn't stay awake enough to drive to Bedok in the morning. I fell prey to the zzz-monster again. I told ya I really cannot make it.

But I did wake up at 11 when the sun was bright and shiny. I couldn't stand the sunlight streaming onto my face, so I got up. Took a shower, checked some emails, decided maybe I should still drive to Bedok for fried bee hoon 'brunch'.

Then all of a sudden, I realized it was dark all around me in the room.

The crazy weather has changed from sunny to gloomy - all in a span of a short hour.

Now the sky is so grey, it looks like it is going to pour anytime soon.

Grrr... tell me, how am I going to resist staying home?


I have been having funny dreams for the past few nights.

Funny-weird-haha, and not funny-bad-scary. I like the folks who appear in my dreams, and I like the things we do and the adventures we go on in my dreams. =)

Funny dreams that I actually like, and don't want to wake up from.

Funny dreams that actually make me happy. =)

Early

I am not writing this at 6 in the morning, because I haven't slept the whole night yet, nor because I slept too early last night and woke up at this God-forbidden hour.

I was supposed to write last night, but I fell asleep at about one after fiddling a little with my mac toys.

But as all my sleepless nights go these days, I fell asleep fast but would wake up every hour with a startle - as if I had missed something. This night, I got pleasantly awoken by a phonecall at three, then have been waking up at four, five and now, six.

I just opened my eyes, looked at the clock, and decided I should just get up and get my writing done.

Then maybe, I would just drive to Bedok for my fried bee hoon breakfast. =)

Can always come back for more snooze later.


I took my day slow yesterday.

No urgency, whatsover. I lazed in bed since opening my eyes at two in the afternoon, tried fiddling with my new toy but realized I couldn't do anything to it till it was charged. I played with the girls now and then. I took a long while to shower and get dressed.

Then I sat myself down at the kopi-tiam right downstairs for my daily dose of kopi-o and took a book out to read. I did say I was going to find a cafe and read a book this weekend, didn't I? Hur hur.

By the time I reached town, it was already six in the evening.

Thought I only had a couple of errands to run. Got some stuff at the Apple store - now I realize why the store is always so freakin' crowded. Mac owners are pretty much addicted to and obsessed with their machines. All they keep thinking about is protecting, prettifying, accessorizing their mac toys.

Just like me - horrors!

Finally popped over to Tangs to get the refills for my pen. My pen has been dried out for too long. I miss using it.

I got a high when I realized I only had to pay half the price for 5 refills than I normally would have to. All thanks to the ongoing sale and the silly points I accumulate with my Shittybank card.

As my shopping high got the better of me, I realized I actually had more stuff to get done than I had thought. But my shopping trip ended as was originally planned, when the phonecall came for dinner plans.

Ha - good thing I still have an unplanned-for Sunday to catch up on my errands.


Butter crabs and red wine.

Dinner was fine but another sin added to my recent list of "shouldn't-haves".

The rest of the night was spent drinking and chatting at a quiet little bar in Bukit Timah, that I'm really starting to like - quiet al fresco place, nice clean toilet, Hoe on tap and freakin' one-for-one whole night every night.

I feel so wasted this past week. And I have spent so much money. I feel so guilty now.

I will drink less next week. I promise.


Me: ... come join us at Bar None lah. I got Skyboy to come along.
Jase: No lah. Too late. I got to wake up early for golf tomorrow.
Me: Fark you.
Jase: ?
Me: All men ever think about is sex and golf.

Hahahaha. Not true meh?

I sent this message to a friend who had promised a night-out with us on Friday night but got really stupefied by my replies. Ok, I was a little 'happy' when I sent it out - but the message was sent in all honesty.

Oh, the 'golf' word in my opinion can be replaced by 'football' anytime accordingly. The 'sex' word stays put.

Sex and golf. Or, sex and football. Your pick.


I saw little Kieran yesterday while I was having a coffee and reading a book at the 'cafe'.

He had come home to visit Granny and would be visiting Great-Granny later too.

The boy looked like he had just woken up from a nap. I was so happy on seeing him, I picked him up immediately and sat him on my laps. He nestled his head comfortably against my chest.

When it was time for him to leave, he was led away by his mommy and daddy, each one holding his hand on both sides.

But little Kieran kept turning back to look at me, and smile. There he was, being dragged along by mommy and daddy but he only wanted to turn back to look at me - and smile. Till he walked out of sight from me.

So sweet, that boy. =)


Sigh. Boys. What do you do with them?

"All men cannot be trusted."

This spouted out matter-of-factly from the mouth of a male friend.

Should I be taking this as a piece of valuable advice? Or is he really just covering his own ass?


Sometimes, some days, I really don't know what I am doing these days.

Is this really me?

Small Bump

What almost turned out to be a happy night ended up with me tearing in the cab home.

"WT says he is seeing someone else."

Why would he say that? How would he know?

The words stung and kept ringing in my spinning head.

I know I shouldn't care anymore. But I just couldn't help the tears.


You said that guy couldn't be trusted. You said he was just spouting nonsense to 'sabo' you.

You asked why I wouldn't trust and believe you, instead of the stories he told my friends.

So I tried to believe you. I wanted to believe your excuses instead of his malice.

But it turned out my judgement was for the worse.

At the end of it all, I realized I was stupid enough not to heed his warnings, but to continue trusting you.

It turned out his words could be trusted - and not yours.

It was such a big slap in my own face.


There's a reason why I don't hang out with my drinking chicks these days.

They know stuff I don't, and they tell me stuff I wish I didn't have to hear.

Like what was said in the cab last night - how was I to react?

What does it mean to me now? Should it even mean anything at all?

Care? Or don't care?

I really don't know.


Everything is going great now - for me.

I don't want to shake any mountain nor molehill.

I just want to keep on revelling in the happiness, even if it's being happy without an end-goal.

I don't really know what's going on - and I am too tired to pursue the answers.

I'm tired of asking myself questions, and having to find the answers before moving onto the next step.

Now I only just hope to find things to do every single day that would make me happy - like what I did in the afternoon yesterday.

Couldn't anyone just help me with this simple wish?


I hope this is just a small bump along my way.

I am moooving on with my Saturday.

I'm gonna play with my new toy now. =)

Away

Hee hee hee. Glee glee glee.

I have a new companion for my pbook. A brother for you, mac!

I would've felt so guilt-ridden because it would've been an impulse non-prioritized buy, if not for the fact that it became a God-sent gift... from a God-sent gift. Thank you thank you thank you.

Now I have a new toy to play with this weekend, to keep me busy.

Haha, watch my Mac-empire grow grow grow!


Best friend Lyn turns... erm, one year older today. Happy birthday, honey.

But she's not around to receive my greetings. She's zipped off somewhere with the hubby, for a well-deserved break ("I am going crazy if I don't go away soon.") and, I suppose, to celebrate her birthday. Lucky woman, you.

And speaking of luck, no one has it better than Lyn and hubby.

The pair has gotten themselves a swanky new car. Not a new car to replace the one they already have, but a new one to add to the family. Duh.

And she's lucky, because on days hubby drives the new Volvo SUV, she gets to drive the 2-year old Saab convertible.

!!! What the hell!


Two guy-pals have flown themselves off to Bali for a good five-day holiday. What the hell!

I told them to watch their behavior together, lest people start pointing fingers and whispering at them, "Look at those two gay boys."

Good for them, anyway.


Two girlfriends have just come back from an almost-week-long holiday to Hong Kong. What the hell!

Nothing, but shopping, apparently.


Banker Pat has also just returned from a holiday in Perth - with three other guys, so he claims. Hur hur hur... as if we'd believe you, Pat.

Golf, Fremantle, food.

What the hell!


Good God. Everyone seems to be going away for a holiday.

I so want to.

I have my business trips packing up my schedule soon - there is even an team-incentive trip to Bali.

Still, business trips will always be business trips. I want a real good break. To places I haven't been before.

Ok, I'm going to get sloshed in Bangkok soon in a couple of weeks. There will only be two activities on our itinerary: massages and drinks. But that won't give me a good break. That will only get me... sloshed.

There'll be a wedding to attend in Manila. But then, there's nothing much else I can do in Manila, except watching movies for cheap and drinking for cheap.

So, sometime within these two months, I hope to find some days I can take off.

I am dreaming: Fiji. Hokkaido. Oz, to see the Ayers.

Realistically? I might just end up going Taipei with Sasy. Or maybe Melbourne to visit Gigi.

Hmm... Hokkaido sounds really good. In fact, it is sounding better and better by the day.

I am so greedy, and so confused now. I'll think of a place when I know it.


I know.

My birthday.

I'll go away on my birthday, to celebrate myself.

Even if it's just on my own. =)


I am not so worried about this weekend.

I think there'll be some serious drinking. Starting tonight, in fact. Skyboy and gang again - I don't think I'll have an easy night-out.

So, I know I'll be recuperating at home for some time. When I'm good in the head again, I'll find some nice cafe and read my books, or get that big fat September issue of Vogue. I haven't been buying magazines for the record longest time.

Oh oh oh! And I have my new toy to play with.

I think I'll leave the fried bee hoon breakfast to try on Monday instead.

I don't think I can make it this weekend, haha.

Smiling

I just can't stop smiling today. =)

I am so glad I wore my 'happy skirt' today. I should buy more of such happy skirts.


To the two 'gay' boys, I hope you guys have fun under the sun.

"L"-plate

Someone got me a new bottle of perfume.

Yippee! No need to buy anymore. =)

My fragrances are already running low on supplies but I am too stingy to buy new ones. Well, simply because I am... stingy. I like fragrances, but I always think they are too overpriced. How much can nice-smelling water cost? I am just so very unwilling to pay for the pretty bottles and the even prettier models in their ad campaigns.

But now that I have a new bottle of something I've never smelled of before, I have no more complains whatsoever.

Hee hee. =)


Oh, and the verdict is out: I really cannot make it. Haha.

I was again a goner - last night and this morning.

It was supposed to be an early night - drinks at eight, so I could hit home by ten. It was supposed to be slow and easy.

What I didn't expect was I would have such a good time being entertained by the band at Wala and the guys, I Hoe'd a little more than I should, and reached home a little later than I had wanted to.

I didn't make it early enough for fried bee hoon this morning. =(

But I saved on ERP anyway! =)

Haha - I got out of the house so late this morning, I actually didn't have to pay ERP on the highway. Craps.


KL. Bangkok. Manila. Hong Kong. And maybe some other places too.

Here I come.


I have a thing for live bands still.

The band at Wala last night was really good. The lead singer had such an androgynous voice, she could sing anything by anyone. And I found out she was an "L"-plate too.

I jokingly said: "Hmm... maybe I can 'tackle' her."

Skyboy: "You want to be "L"-plate too? You cannot make it lah!"

Why?

Is it true I cannot make it for anything at all?

CMI

Cannot make it, this morning.

Urgh.

Not only did I not make it for early fried bee hoon breakfast, I was also late for work again. And I am still feeling zonky now.

Think I'm gonna just grab my kopi-o and then a handful of maries from the pantry... again.


Ok - Friday morning, I will try to make it. I must at least save one day's ERP this week.