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I haven't been Mrs East Coast Bean for a while. So here I am, people-watching at the beach, enjoying my skinny latte and the late afternoon sun.

I was home early last night, but I slept very late and so woke up very late in the, er, afternoon.

The little man was in my house today, and he woke me up when he climbed up onto my bed to play-fight with Per-per. So sweet.

HIs father wonders why his son has adopted this violent style of play with Piper, but I dare not suggest perhaps he has just been watching and then copying the way I play with my dog. Haha.

I didn't have time to do much today, so I thought I would just grab my pBook and hang out at the cafe before deciding on dinner plans.

No plans for dinner as yet. Probably I should just sit here till my battery runs out, then head home and have baby porridge instead. I like my mom's baby porridge.


Much as I'd like to lead a normal life and be happy, I have no clue what makes a normal life for me now.

My lifestyle has taken a sudden 180-degree turn, and while I'm always trying to find things to keep myself occupied with in hope that the loneliness has no chance to creep back, I am not quite sure if I am comfortable with the way I live my life now.

After drinking for weeks, I have kept myself sober this entire week, very much thanks to the business trip in KL. I feel fine but I feel lonely as well. The drinking provides me company that I would otherwise miss out on. Maybe soon, I'll be hitting the bottles again.

From being someone's supposed life-partner since the 'early formative' years of adulthood, I find myself suddenly being thrown back into singlehood. I don't know what to make of it and I can't seem to cope with it, though people around me say it is for the better. Is it really? Is being single really better for me now?

While friends were happily dating around and having fun in their early twenties, I was happily living a partnership with a man who seemed to love me to bits. Some were envious and wished they had someone to settle down with too, but now I wonder if I was, in the end, the disadvantaged one.

Now, friends are the ones who are done with their dating days and settling down with their Ones, but I am the one who is thrown back into the singles market that they have ditched.

I probably would have been fine if I were a few years younger, but after being non-single for so long, I don't know how to be one anymore.

How do I play this game?

I hate breaking up couple time and making friends hang out with me. I don't like people accommodating me neither.

I just want to be alone sometimes, but I don't really want to be alone too.

And then, there are these questions. Questions that will forever be plagueing my mind. Questions that will never go away.

Can I ever have a normal life where I will have no more questions to find answers for?

In the plans that I had once visualized, I would've been happily settled by now, and channeling my focus from now on making my dream doggy business come true.

Now, that dream has to be put on hold. For a while, I hope.

I can't get out of this awful detestable corporate world. Not for now. I haven't amassed my fortunes upon which my dream would be built.

"The only way to really earn and save a lot of money is to get out of here and work as an expatriate. The amount of money you can save in two years overseas is nothing you can earn if you continue working here."

So the questions now floating in my mind promise me a whole new different life yet bother me at the same time.

Should I stay? Or should I go?

Would anyone really care if I go?

What more is there to lose now, if it has already been lost?

I know I care. It's that hope I don't want to lose. But is that hope worth staying for?

That's the only answer I need to find for myself now. And the rest will follow.