Still Wanted

And so it was recounted to me...

奶奶: Why you don't want 姑姑?
小王八: I dowant that 姑姑.
奶奶: Yah lah, why you don't want 姑姑?
小王八: Because that 姑姑 not in Singapore.
奶奶: But you don't want 姑姑, 姑姑 very sad, you know.
小王八: I want 姑姑 in Singapore.
奶奶: You don't want to go look for 姑姑 in Hong Kong already?
小王八: No! I dowant Hon Kon. I want to sell Hon Kon!
奶奶: Wah. You want to sell Hong Kong? You sell Hong Kong, then 姑姑 stay where?
小王八: I wan to sell Hon Kon! 姑姑 stay in Clementi!

: )
果然还养得熟.

Nostalgia

"Hi. I'm Balki, I come from Mypos. And this is cousin Larry."


I'd thought I should stock up some stuff for the possibly rainy weekend ahead... and guess what brought me elation and had me walking home looking like an idiot! : )

Apparently, however, no one else seems as excited as I am...

All of Only Five

I 'reluctantly' cast the work aside to make a phone call back home during dinnertime, just so, hopefully, Son would still be lively enough to speak to me.

Son's mom picked up the phone, "You wanna speak to your mom?"

"No. Pass the phone to Son."


姑姑: Hello?
小王八: ...
姑姑: Hello?!
小王八: ...
姑姑: Hello... Speak to 姑姑... hello...
(After like ten more 'hellos'...)
小王八: I want another one.
姑姑: Huh? You want another what?
小王八: I waant annother one!
姑姑: What? You want another what? Tell 姑姑. You want another chocolate?
小王八: No! I want another one. I dowant this one!
姑姑: ... What?... You don't want 姑姑?
小王八: Yes! I dowant this 姑姑!
姑姑: ...
小王八: I want another 姑姑!
姑姑: ...
小王八: I want another 姑姑, like last time that one.
姑姑: ...
小王八: I don't need this 姑姑!
姑姑: ...


Heartbreak is silent.

Just like the tears I had to hold back.

大家姐

"I never had a big sis looking over my shoulder
... but i finally found one
... after 30 yrs."

It is very hilarious. But also very sweet.


Yes, I do have 'negativities', like you'd call them. But I also have 'positivities' you haven't yet seen. Not a lot, but enough for me to live by.

And one of those few positivities, which you might in turn call 'weakness', is that I actually like being naive. And sometimes, naivety becomes synonymous with stupidity.

Like, I would easily love to believe in all of the above. And I do, because after all this while of being taken care of by the brothers, I am thankful I am finally of some value to someone - as a big sister, no less.

And I have no fuckin' idea what I had done to deserve this.


I don't really want to be a big sister. I don't really think I'm capable of being anyone's big sister.

It's good enough if I could even take care of myself. Better yet if I could even trust half the things I tell myself.

I am only trying very hard to be me.

But if that's good enough...


Still. You don't call 大家姐 a mule, okay.

Like Batman and His Robin

It feels just like my sidekick's back next to me, my right side's no longer empty, and I'm not alone in my silly antics no more.

It feels just like the earth is back circling in its usual orbit again.

It feels kinda like... being at home.


Life, as it is right now, can't be that bad.

Not when it can be a silly joke every single day.

Junked

"Can I touch your bird?"

It almost was. An itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polkadotted bikini. But it wasn't.

Got birds one.


A bright cheery yellow. Shiny happy people. I suppose that more than made up for the lack of a beautiful sunny sky on my maiden voyage out at sea.

"Sis" had wanted to bring along "Sis Friend 1", "Sis Friend 2", "Sis Friend 3", and maybe even "4" and "5". But in the end, I realized maybe I don't have that many friends in the Honks after all, especially after almost all are already on the default guest list.

Next time, then. Summer's only just begun.




Color check.

I am happy enough. : )

Go

It always happens, doesn't it?

People come, people go. Some stay, some just pass by.

And then, there are those who come, make you wish they would stay around forever, but they still go.

I can't really choose. Can I?


I've just been having a bad feeling.

That I'm going to lose it all over again.

That I'm just going to end up being the silly one all over again.


Sleep.

Rounds

I was only cleaning up my mailbox when I started laughing like a mad woman again, headphones still stuck to the ears.

K: Have u ever
C: Have you ever * in a tiny bar crowded like tihs??
H: C you drink
K: Nada to both
H: C!
K: U 2 drink?!!!
C: What the fuck???
C: Why do I have to drink???
H: Q: can you * with someone here?
K: yeah if I have another 50 whiskeys...
C: That is your favorite Q
C: Did u just drink to your own Q?
H: Yeah anyone behind me, many magnums
C: This woman keeps shaking her ass in my face
H: She hits my back with it too
K: Lucky u, oh actually , no
H: Wow she's really big...
H: Okay she's hitting my back with her ass... Or am I touching her ass with my back?
H: Happy Birthday K
H: Q: do you think all of people here think we are asian geeks cus we don't speak and just using mobiles?
K: Yes
K: And we are weird to suddenly drink together..
H: And suddenly laugh...
H: (FYI chocolux will close in 50 mins)
H: (FYI we look weird always)
K: Another cake? Chocolate does not help eyesight!
C: You mean I look weird today??? :(
H: Today? Only?
K: Hahahaha
K: Running out of battery
C: Lesson learnt: always charge your berry before H.A. meeting
H: (FYI 30 mins left)
K: Choco choco, we need more time to get drunk tho
K: 30 mins not enough
K: Ok batt almost gone, need oral communication soon


Okay. Truth be told?

I really miss this.

Five

Happy birthday to you,
姑姑 misses you too,
Unless you don't miss 姑姑...
Happy birthday to you!

Rubbish! But it rhymes!


姑姑 has seriously run out of Thomas the Tank Engine stuff to buy for you – unless you want an eraser for your birthday. But I don’t think you’d fancy an eraser ‘cos you said you wanted chocolates.

But you’re a boy, honey. You don’t ask for chocolates for your birthday. You don’t ask for chocolates anytime in fact. Boys buy their own chocolates. Girls sit and wait for boys to buy them chocolates, yes.

I think you sure have a lot to learn from 姑姑.


It’s been three years since you just turned up at my door and crept your way into my life. Just like that, tormenting my girls in the process.

You’re my biggest (human) gem. And I love you so.

Asset #12

Finally!

Got fuzzy logic some more. Don't pray pray.

: )

Want Rice, No Rice

After weeks of getting myself tortured by the Chinese massage therapists because of the F.U.N., I decided I've had enough. That I deserved more tender loving touch - to the naked skin - for once.

And so after a weekend, on the pretext of hunting for the rice-cooker, where I spent more money out of boredom on other less-necessary stuff (like a teapot, some rice bowls and more chopsticks), I decided I am still none the wiser. I conjured up more brilliant ideas out of boredom at work today.

And still no rice-cooker.

I think I won't be cooking any rice till next month.


One girl. Two rice bowls. Twenty pairs of chopsticks.

Beats me too. I used to ace my Math in school, I swear.


Amidst all the juggling of craziness and boredom, I am really brewing some plans in my head. Except I can only have ONE plan, and that's the problem.

So there's Plan T, and there's plan S. I have already sieved out Plan K - for the time being.

I just have to decide what I really want to do.

Should I eat? Or should I cut my hair?

Go hungry? Or go ugly?

Tough one.

*****

"Why you awake again?"

'Cos I know you are too. : )

Monday Morning

Too many men, too much adrenaline. They just kept me up the entire night.


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90%

I am so in ....

For better, or for worse, I don't care anymore.

Mom

No, I didn't forget about Mother's Day.

In fact, I remembered Mother's Day. I remembered to call Mom on Mother's Day. I remembered not to be a smart aleck and try to go for a nice dinner out there somewhere on Mother's Day. I remembered to stay home and wait till nine when Mom got home from dinner so I could ring her.

And that was how I ended up weeping by myself, home alone, on Mother's Day.


It wasn't all that bad as it sounds. Really. Just a couple of "nevers" I've learnt for myself.

One: Never start a movie marathon with a doggie movie. It just wrecks you up emotionally and sets the whole mood wrong.

Two: Never ever watch a doggie movie when you're already missing your own babies like crazy. Even watching another dog, who's really just being a darn good actor, is enough to make you go wild with crazy thoughts and end up sleepless and wake up with eyes so puffed up, they are almost popping out and your head throbs nonstop from trying to hold them back in the sockets.

In short, this is way worse than suffering a hangover.


I was so caught up in my own pseudo-misery, I almost forgot to call Mom.

I did, in the end, just an hour before the clock struck midnight. And I would've loved chatting with her till the next day, but I had to go the minute she asked, "Mei ah, got boyfriend already?"

...

I love you, Mom. I don't have a present for you this year... but NAH!




I can't exactly say, I don't know when I'll ever get to be that mom I've always wanted to be - I already have two furry girls I love to bits and who I know adore me like crazy as well. And you can never ask for more than a dog's love.

I feel blessed. But I suppose I'll never feel the same blessedness from the love and adoration of another human being.

To my dear babes who are mothers, keep it going strong. You're probably one of the luckiest amongst us all. Don't feel like you're already old, don't envy people like me who seem to be still having the time of our lives, 'cos maybe we're not. You're way cooler, and you're more beautiful.

To my dear babes who have just become new mothers, you've done well this far! Maybe I could never have imagined you being a mom, maybe I just knew this day would just come to you since the day I met you... I am so delirious for you, I can only feel plain happiness that my dear friend, you, has been blessed with the most beautiful gift in life - life itself.

To my dear babes who are awaiting for the new arrivals, you might be really grouchy now, you might be glowing with rosy cheeks, you might be barfing from the smells of your coworker's lunchbox, you might be praying hard for the day you finally offload the extra weight, you might be worrying about this, about that, about everything, or you might just be having the best ride of your life now... live it all up! Every road leads to a beautiful destination, every story in life has its own meaning. Every life on this earth has its own purpose. Just let Auntie Fatmama know when you're popping. And oh, the gender of your little one so you can expect a baby Gap hamper. : )

To my dear babes who have only just gotten hitched... DON'T WAIT ALREADY! Wait for what?! Wait for Auntie Fatmama to come back home and take angpow money from you first, is it?!

To the dear mother who gave life to my little man, and now my little princess, thank you very much for bringing such joy to my life. Thank you for being a happy mother, because happiness begets happiness. Thank you for coming into our lives, thank you for taking care of Mom when I'm not around. I will love the little ones like they were my own, to the day I cease to live.

To my dearest Mom, thank you for passing me your shirt-ironing skills, thank you for giving me your silly sense of humor that has helped me make a lot of people laugh. Thank you for giving me your heart, a heart that lives and cares only for others. Thank you for letting me be ME.

Be strong. Be healthy. Be happy. You always see me every night.




p.s.: I'm sorry, Mrs Ding, I stole your flowers for my Mom! : )

Tuesday Morning

The bipolar thoughts are killing me.


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Friday Morning

Kill me, or I'll kill him.


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Trauma

I seriously cannot believe this.

First, I think I must've spent a good half hour in my last sleeping moments, dreaming about running around in a cockroach-infested place. And specifically dreaming, in detail, about cockroaches lurking around, and me looking around to see where they were so I could avoid getting in their running, or flying, path. Yeah, no storyline, no adventure, just fuckin' looking around for cockroaches and making sure I stayed away from them. A good half hour... okay at least twenty minutes, I'm pretty sure. This is probably as real to life as any of my stupid dreams can get - and this is really stupid.

Second, the first thing my groggy eyes caught when I woke up this morning and did the usual sit-on-the-bowl thing, was a baby cockroach. At the doorway of the bathroom. Okay, maybe not quite 'baby'. Maybe a teenager, or at least a tween. Nonetheless, to me, big enough. I sat stunned on the bowl, and in a guised blessing sort of way, it helped wake me up. What do I do? Leave it, catch it. What do I do?

Third, I could not, for the life of me, catch a fuckin' teenage cockroach. There I was, finally decided about catching, squatting at the doorway, staring hard at the teenager, a very thick roll of toilet paper in hand. I remember, squatting there and thinking at the same time: This is going to be the very first cockroach I've caught with my own hands - if I ever catch it. In fact, this is going to be the very first bloody cockroach I am even attempting to catch. Disgusting. The thing about cockroaches is they are really dumb. And teenage cockroaches, whose brains are probably only still half-developed, are really even dumber. Dumb enough to hold still in that position at the doorway for me to aim and hit. But I didn't because I started to stare really hard at the motionless thing and I started a second chain of thought: This is SO SO ugly. How can I ever kill anything this ugly? This is SO SO ugly. How can I... Dumbness does inspire dumbness.

Okay, I have to fuckin' kill it because (a) Mom is not around, and (b) it is going to grow up nice and fat and become that really ugly full-blown thing.

If only I had Baygon or something... and I don't. But I have perfume. Which sprays too. And I'm pretty sure that ugly thing would flip if I doused it in spicy sweet liquids.

So I did just that. Tried to douse it in some old cheap perfume. Which was obviously a stupid idea because it didn't flip and die. It did, however, turn and start to run - in a slightly stunned manner. And panicky by now, I tried running after it and smacking it with that roll of toilet paper.

And the point of today's story is: I can't even kill a slow-running teenage cockroach.


This is it. The very final straw.

That teenager has run into hiding, underneath the couch I'm sitting upon now. And unless it finds its way home to his stupid parents, I'm pretty sure I will come home one day to see it bigger and uglier.

I HAVE TO MOVE.

Email

And when you somehow find that courage to go where you have to go and do what you have to do then it's only a matter of time before you find yourself sitting somewhere peaceful with a big smile on your face, mind at ease and a heart that is happy and content.

ps. Just a few I forgot to mention on Friday night
Favourite Avian Species : Owl
Favourite Historical Figure : Winston Churchill
Favourite Ice Cream Flavour : Chocolate
Favourite Comic Book Hero : Robin (Batman's sidekick)
Favourite Tropical Fruit : Mango
Favourite Singaporean : You


I will find that courage to do what I have to do... when I am very sure what it is I have to do.

'Cos the heart is already halfway there, being happy and content.


In the meantime, at least I'm someone's favorite Singaporean!

Out of four point five million folks... that's quite a feat.

Forecast

I feel like some maniacal punter.

Day in day out, at work or at home, I just keep hitting the ‘refresh’ button obsessively.


I still can’t believe that, once again, out of seven days in a week, Saturday has to be the chosen one.

Moron Codes

SJB says: c?
SSGG says: y
SJB says: L?
SSGG says: y
SSGG says: n
SJB says: n

As far as conversations go, I like them short and very sweet.

YATSJBIHEM.

Resume

If I ever need to put up a "Man Wanted" classified for myself, please remind me to add this:

"Darn good at ironing shirts. No starch needed."

As Hanny-boy would've put it... Day-um.


Now if only I would work on actually fixing that freakin' leakin' pipe.

Day-um day-um.


You guessed it... Don't feel like going to work =/

Sad Abode

The tiny, humble abode that I used to adore is finally starting to make me think twice.

In fact, I'm starting to get really upset. Despite my darnedest efforts not to.


Firstly, it is severely lacking in my favorite sunshine. The solar-powered Energizer bunny here can't function soberly in the dark - especially on a Sunday morning. How stupid is it to have to switch on all the lights in broad daylight - even with the blinds drawn?

There are no windows. Which could be a blessing in disguise really, since I don't expect any fresh-smelling air to waft right in any time of the day/week/month. But how dumb is it again to have to turn the air-con on and off throughout the day/night just so I wouldn't suffocate and die in this lonely little corner of the world? And I have another mind-boggling one: if I have no 'open-able' windows, where the heck does all this stupid dust come from?

There is no kitchen. But I will not harp on this fact until I prove myself some decent cook. But it's a chicken-or-egg thing, isn't it?

There is no elevator in this rather locally-noisy building. And I have absolutely no qualms about it, given my weird penchant for climbing the staircase - any staircase, on any given normal day. Even in wee hours when I am pissed drunk, and have no idea how I conquer that stairmaster without suffering any cut or bruises on my limbs. But on abnormal days, when I have to get out of town, I absolutely abhor having to first get my luggage out of the apartment and out of the building. The second thing I always think of just as I'm about to board the plane on the way home is "Aahh... home sweet home." The first? "Damn that stupid staircase."

And my life happens to be getting more and more abnormal.

And then, there are all these broken things.

First, there was the stupid heater. Then, the burst shower. The toilet bowl and the bathroom basin take turns to flood. In fact, the basin's taking the lead now. The light bulbs are popping out one by one. The ironing board lasted me barely even a month - and it is NOT because of my obsessive compulsive ironing behavior. The wardrobe knob keeps falling out once in a while, but okay I shouldn't whine about this tiny one. And of course, there was the infamous broken couch that traumatized me for weeks.

I think the last straw snapped for me tonight when I discovered both the pipes under the kitchen sink and the bathroom basin have been freakin' leaking.

I chucked a bucket under the kitchen sink, and I have decided to simply leave it there till the day I move out.


I am thinking, I need to move.

To a new apartment with windows and a kitchen, and at least an elevator.

Or, maybe just out to a whole new place altogether.

Wherever fate lies.

Solar-Fueled

"Favorite temperature?"

"Mmm... Twenty-seven degrees."

"Favorite fruit?"

"Dragon fruit!"

"Yes, you Southeast Asian girl."

Yes yes, I am the Southeast Asian girl who comes from the tiny dot swimming just above the equator and who happens to adore her LS fruit.

And guess what happens when the wintery months finally go away, and the stupid rainy skies take a quick break for the day, and the sun comes out to play?

The S.E.A. chick scrambles for the beach, of course!


The destination was a little faraway. The journey only made me wish I had my car with me. The beach was surprisingly too packed. I only managed a two-hour nap before the sun got blocked out by some silly dude's umbrella and finally disappeared behind the clouds.

Still, I'm like a solar-powered Energizer bunny.

Sun-kissed all over, and I'm feeling the color of life creeping back into me. : )


With my newly devised plans for the coming adventurous summer - that is, to suss out the other beaches and hopefully find a perfect, quieter one I can make do with - I now have no issue with myself for lugging home a questionable number of summery frocks and shorts from the last trip to the States.

I knew I had foresight.

Just one last struggle. There I was, scrutinizing myself in the mirror and making last-minute resolutions to eat better and run more. And here I am, googling for Mentaiko Spaghetti recipes and wondering if I should try my luck at the bookstore tomorrow instead.

Southeast Asian solar-powered Energizer chicks are pretty hard to please. Especially the Libran ones.


And, in the meantime, Plan K's in the works. : )

Plan B

It started out a mere crazy idea.

And it never stopped.


Craziness begets craziness. Joy begets joy. Laughter begets laughter. Happiness begets happiness. I hope.

From the frantic search for the ticket to craziness, to the endless teasers and guesses and maybes. The listless Friday at work and the nonstop Seiko check. The heart that almost popped out. The breathlessness at the gate. The runaway backpack and the Havaianas. The earplugs and the two silly giggling kids. The look of real surprise and excitement... oh, the look pretty much akin to my favorite four-year-old's. The look I'll never forget. And then, the whirlwind craziness. The crazy rides. The Philippe Starck room. The CEO and the CFO/COO/CMO. The brown eyes. The midnight dinner. The pretty chicks. Dirty ones, too. The Part As and Part Bs. The massive dosages of 小笼包s. 豆苗豆苗豆苗. Food. The 泡泡奶茶s. More food. The Peking duck. The Son, and The Dad. The lousy CFO who kept getting lost. Keds, Keds, and more Keds. And more Havaianas too. The sexy massage that almost was. The Milgaus experience. The laziness. The long walks. The endless conversations and laughters. The nonstop teasing. The SJB and the SSGG.


I can't figure if the crazy idea turned reality or fantasy.

In fact, I wonder everyday if I have been living in reality or fantasy. All I know is, I'm happy, and I have never felt this happy. Everything else is a blur.

I don't feel like looking at the blurry parts. I just want to keep being happy. Because happiness begets happiness.

If my level of happiness reaches a high, one day when the bug finally eats me up whole, I hope there is a good buffer and there will only be happy things to remember.


There are many, many beautiful episodes in this particular story that I will never ever forget.

The companionship, I will never forget. The smile, I will never forget. The voice, I will never forget.

The face, I will never ever forget.