The Little One

Bestie: So have you told the little one?
Fatmama: No...
Bestie: You ARE going to tell him, aren't you?
Fatmama: Er... I don't know.
Bestie: What?!?! You mean you don't intend to tell him?
Fatmama: I don't know how to. How to?? Must !??
Bestie: YES! Just tell him. That you're going away.
Fatmama: Must I? He'll not understand and he's going to forget about me anyway.
Bestie: Yes, of course you should!
Bestie: Ok, I'm very sure you've already spoken to Piper.
Fatmama: Eh?! How you know?
Bestie: Of course I know. Piper baby, Mommy's going away for a long time. Don't miss me ok?
Fatmama: !!!!! Wah! How you know?!
Bestie: Mommy's going there first. Ah Ma will take care of you first. Then Mommy will bring you over.
Fatmama: !!!!! Wah! How come you know what I said?!?!
Bestie: Of course I know.


These are the things that make me want to (almost) cry these days.

The people who know me so darn well.

And the people I have to say goodbye to.


He will miss me. But only for a while.

And over time, he'll forget about me. He'll forget how close we ever had been.

He'll stop giving me kisses on the lips. He might even stop giving me a hug when I ask for it.

That's why, babysitting is one of the toughest jobs in the world.

Appreciation

That I've gotten to where I am today, or next week to be more precise, I couldn't have done it without some people in my miserly life over the past few months.

Friends who have taken so good care of me when I was in the dumps, when I had nothing. Friends who stuck by me, encouraging me every single day with every single gesture. Friends who remind me I am good for who I really am.

I am not a taker. I am a giver. Born as that.

So, perhaps, it did upset me over the past few months that I couldn't give when I felt really bad for always taking.


Now that life's looking brighter ahead for me, I am so happy.

Not so much for myself, really. But for the very reason that at long last, I am finally able to give back. To all my people who so willingly gave.

I am not without heart.


I am packing. I am taking stock of my life, at long last.

I am looking at the stuff around me, what matters, what not. And I am making decisions.

I will go with only what I need.

No excess baggage. For sure. I promise.

Moms (Or, Maybe Just Mine) Say The Darnest Things

Months ago...

Mama: Aren't you going to get a kid?
Fatmama: ????? (Huh?? Where did that come from??)
Fatmama: HAH?! Like how?? I don't even have a man now??
*Silence*
Mama: How about your friends? See if any of your friends has kids and if they don't want, can give you?
Fatmama: !!!!!!!
Fatmama: Ma!!! What you talking about?! This is not China leh!
Mama: Ha ha ha. Yah hor.
*Silence*
Mama: Or, how about you ask Kor-kor to give birth to another one and give you?
Fatmama: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fatmama: Maaaaaaa!!!! What you talking about????
Mama: Ha ha ha. Ok lah. Just giving ideas.
*Silence*
Fatmama: Ma. Why you worry? If I really wanted a child, you think your daughter here cannot find a man?
Mama: !!!!!!!
Mama: Ok, I am just kidding. OK?


Just two nights ago...

Mama: I am really very happy for you.
Mama: I hope you find a good man there.
Fatmama: Ma, what if I get an ang moh man?
Mama: (smilingGood! Very good!!!
Fatmama: ?!?!?!?! (Why the heck is she so approving??)
Fatmama: Orrrrrrrhh!!! I know liao. You just want that 'zhap zeng' grandson, right?!?!?!
Mama: (beaming like the Sun and choking on her own laughter) Yah lor. I miss Mark a lot.

For your information, Mark is this darn cute lil' 'zhap zeng kia' my Mom used to babysit. Born to a Chinese mom and a British dad.


Now I know.

My own Mom sees me only as a grandchild-bearing machine.

=/

The Reincarnated Bagmama

When the good news first came (F-I-N-A-L-L-Y), the bagmama could think of only one glaring problem, "Oh dear, the bag lady has got no bag."

Pretty lame, but it is a big problem.

For the bagmama really loves her bags. And there's no way she's going out there to town and buying just about any bag.

The bag forms part of the bagmama's life. Heck, it carries half her life in it at all times. The bag sticks close to her body, defines her being, and feels her warmth more than anything else.

The bag screams aloud, "ME".


It has really been torturous. The search for the bagmama's new companion.

No one would really understand.

So the search led to the surfacing of another less glaring problem: Fatmama has indeed turned fat and has got no decent clothes.

SIGH.

Fatmama has to think of another moniker.


So the signing of the credit card slip had been very painful.

One-stop shop.

I found a new love. I am so MUJI-fied.


The excitement's slowly creeping in.

More to come. :)

People

sasyz: nobody needs anybody
ME Inc.: actually
ME Inc.: everybody needs somebody


It has been a week of contradictions.

A week of needing somebody, yet choosing not to need anybody.

A week of wanting to scream and yell and cry sometimes, yet choosing to sit and smile and wait and wait and wait.

And everything turned out pretty fine, I am rather glad I have stuck by the torturous patience. Because like they say, good things come to those who wait.


For one, I ended up being surrounded by people. Mostly people I had chosen to lose touch with when I holed up in my shell, simply because sometimes it is rather painful talking to people when you have to pretend you're still the same old you.

There is the dude who obviously treats me as the de facto go-to friend when he quit his job and had no one to spend time with in the afternoons. So I ended up having countless coffee sessions with him, as he sat stoning while watching me work on my computer.

There is the Hanny boy who finally chugged a beer with me, and who turned saviour when I got dumped on a date, and who said I am unique (but tell me something else new, Hanny).

There is of course my babelicious neighbor, who did the rather unglam la-kopi thing at the kopitiam amidst all the chee-ko-pehs again. Really, really. Nothing beats a cheap kopi session with a babe in the midst of a peaceful HDB neighborhood. Oh, and this time, it was brekkie with the soft-boiled eggs. Yummers.

Then there are the Swoosh'd babes. With the babies. And my 'son'. The bitching, the crapping, the eating, the everything.

There is the Pi chick who totally cracked me up when she called me at 10 on Saturday night, to say she was going bowling - alone. And asked if I had wanted to join her. We ended up having kopi at the prata shop.

And then, there is my Sasy chick. Who hugged and kissed and hugged and kissed and hugged and kissed me non-stop. Rather embarrassing in the middle of the sake bar, but I obliged. Because, let me see... it's been maybe two or three weeks since we last met.

Then, there is my bestie. The one who has never left my side. The one who I still think probably loves me the best. The one whom I am going to leave behind, but hey babe, you have just got to get on MSN. For me.

Most of all, there is my 'son'. Whom I spent the entire weekend with, 'cheonging' three parties together. He's happy because I brought him to where happiness reigns, and so I am happy too. He kisses me more now, to the extent he's literally kissing my arse. He spells my name when he sees me now: "G-U-G-U!!" He single-handedly melts me into a puddle.

And then, there was the silence which was finally broken. The painful silence, but the blissful chat. Maybe. Maybe we do bond like glue.


People come and they go.

Times spent like these come and they go too soon too.

Maybe they would be just "one of those times". Maybe not.

But I just feel thankful for all the people around me. And I especially thank those who love me for the 'me' I am trying so hard to stick to.


When you want to go, when you want to throw me away, go ahead.

Maybe you just need someone else. Just not me.

"... I've been rather numb..."

How do you explain 'chemistry' to a Masters graduate of Chemical Engineering?

That there is no spontaneous combustion of the passionate kind? That there is no fiery spark from the start?

I couldn't, so I didn't.

I just blamed myself.


Major rut? Wee?

No. Just my life.

Re-evaluation?

These stupid horoscopes will be the death of me.

My archaeologist buddy Frank is of course a devotee of the theory of evolution, but he likes to have fun being blasphemous about some of its conclusion. Recently he told me, for instance, that all the ancient bones that have ever been found and used to deduce the course of human evolution, from homo habilis to homo sapiens, would fit in the back of a pick-up truck. "Pretty slim evidence for ideas that purport to explain millions of years of history, eh?" he said mischievously. Can you identify a comparable situation in your life, Libra? Is there a fundamental assumption you're loyal to even though the data that prove it are scanty? This is a good time to gather more information and re-evaluate your assumptions.

What the fuck?

It's a good thing I never really believe in horoscopes in the first place.

Rotten

So I whined to Number One Dingding, my childhood friend and also my dentist now, about the filling that chipped off and the huge gape that was left in its place, and demanded for a warranty to replace it.

An "of cos got lah", and I was skipping my way down to the atas clinic, thankful for a new filling that might now allow me to chew with the teeth on the right.

Only to find out it wasn't just the filling that chipped off, but almost the entire tooth that had already fractured bit by bit.

In orthodontic speak, the nerve was dead, the tooth was almost entirely chipped off, even a root canal treatment would not help. Dentures are passé (and apparently, harmful to the other teeth because I-can't-quite-remember-why). So it's either a bridging crown that would entail drilling off two other teeth, or a dental implant that would entail a mini operation of sorts to insert a titanium rod around which a fake tooth would be encased. Whichever I might choose, I just can't leave the hole there, because sooner or later, bacteria would creep into the deep black hole and result in an abscess, and I might eventually just die from pain.

In human speak, I am fucked. Even after a possibly "good discount" and some Medisave subsidy, a dental implant would set me back about a very "affordable" three grand - at least.

I don't know. I mean, I could try watering my money plant three times a day from tomorrow onwards. Invest in some really good shit, or fertilizer. Maybe after a month, I could dig up the soil and find some crumpled thousand-dollar notes underneath.

Just before I left the clinic, Number One Dingding called out, "Eh, you'd better be careful about the big molar on the bottom left, because it's starting to fracture too, and if you're not careful, the same might happen again."

Oh thanks. Maybe I need to buy more money plants now.

Oh. And thank you, Big Guy. With challenges like this, who ever needs Sudoku?

The Wait

Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock...

I don't know, I don't know, and I don't know.

All I know is if this goes on any longer, I might go mad.



Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock...

"他是 Ang Mo Kia"

It was a 'last-minute' thingy, no doubt. Last-minute, because I got stood up by a dinner date and I was feeling all grouchy and hungry when the 'ang mo kia' came to my rescue.

Still, it was probably meant to be.

It just feels good talking to someone who actually understands what you're saying.

Someone who actually understands the urge to disappear to a foreign land where no one knows who the hell you are.

Well, at least I hope so.



Just like I've said it once before, this is still one of my all-time favorites. :)

"Paella or Fondue?"

I was just in one of my usual silly, nonsensical, compulsively obsessive moods when I wrote that.

I wasn't really looking for an answer, but...


The First One Who Bothered To Look At My Nick
the still frame: paella
ME Inc.: hahaha
the still frame: i don't like cheese lol
the still frame: so fondue is clear out
ME Inc.: i dun quite like cheese too
ME Inc.: but there's chocolate!
the still frame: oh yahh...
the still frame: but that's dessert

The Second Sweety Who Bothered But Didn't Quite Make Sense
HS: fondue
HS: paella looks like bryani

The One Who Really Seemed Sincere To Help My Confusion
SKA: paella!
ME Inc.: haha! someone says, paella looks like bryani.
SKA: yaaaa cos they r ignorant
SKA: haha just whack in some nice huge prawns
SKA: n mussels
SKA: fondue is so "in" its so passe
ME Inc.: i'm not a big cheese fan, but i like chocolate fountains...
ME Inc.: anyways, paella beat fondue
ME Inc.: 3-1 sets
SKA: yay! (poor thing, still very blur)
SKA: u cookin ah
SKA: why cant u do paella then choc fondue dessert
ME Inc.: haha...
ME Inc.: i can.
ME Inc.: this is sounding weirder by the minute
SKA: or scrap tht n do pot luck
ME Inc.: so yeah... maybe I COULD DO paella first then have fondue for dessert.


Hmm. I was just trying to decide my love between "Paella" and "Fondue".

Anyways, "Paella" beat "Fondue" 3-1 sets, and I still love both. :/


*****
the still frame: but wait what's this for
the still frame: why the big decision
ME Inc.: haha... nothing. it's just nadal playing federer now in the final.. wahahahaha
the still frame: then
the still frame: fondue

Obsessively Blemished

This is ridiculous. Nothing I ever do is right.

So, I've been staying home a great deal this past week (read: lounging around in my dorky glasses) with Roland to keep me company. Which ought to be a blissful thing really.

Except that I now discover a couple of spots threatening to erupt around the nose-bridge, right upon which the dorky glasses perch.

I give up.

I really give up being a good girl.

A Little Bit of Nostalgic Surprise

You could be mine
But you're way out of line
With your bitch slap rappin'
And your cocaine tongue
You get nuthin' done
I said you could be
You should be
You could be mine

The very first song my iPod shuffled to brought a huge grin to my face. Complete with the somewhat suppressed head-banging.

For a moment, I wish I could turn the clock sixteen years back.

Seattle

I just suddenly wanted to pop you guys a note 'cos i've been thinking and missing you guys a lot.

No kidding.


It all started with this picture crap thing I've been trying to pull off on this page.

I just thought I'd taken quite some pictures with my rather big, fat and underused cameras but I never quite put them to good use. So I started rummaging through the library, and more often than not, I get this whole nostalgic shit hitting me over like a bull.

And in recent weeks, there are these few particular folders that I'd revisit every other day, if not every - just to relive the memories again.

There's the trip with the chicks to the Kong this time last year where we'd walk an hour, pop into a pub for two, stop by food stalls for undefined meals, pop into another bar for a few more and then get irritated to hear local commentary over the World Cup channels everywhere we went. And then, we'd snuggle up in a queen bed with half-drunk beer bottles and half-eaten "curry fish eggs" lying around us, and wake up the next morning complaining about the kicking and the blanket-war (it would be pretty much obvious who commited which crime).

Then there was my self-inspiring trip to Frisco where I'd done nothing else, on my own, but walk walk walk walk walk everywhere. I'd dragged my luggage from the Met station to the dingy little budget backpacker's hostel tucked in one sleazy corner between Little Italy and Chinatown. It was daunting - I'd seen all these infamously amazing Frisco slopes on TV but I'd never thought one day I might have to drag a hugeass luggage, and a huge tired ass, up these very slopes after waking up at 3 in the morning just to catch the first flight out from Portland. From that moment, I knew Frisco was going to be nothing less than an adventure. That I'd managed to come home alive, I thank my guts and my strong legs.

And then, there was Seattle. The city that is sleepless, thanks to all the quaint little cafes that pop up in your face every few steps you take. The city where I had the best ever crab cakes thus far. The city where I first dreamt of setting up my own doggie bakery. The city where I attended my first wedding celebration in a foreign land - by the beach, too. The city where I first thought of owning my own pad. The city where I had family - cousins whom I'd never met in the first twenty-odd years of my life but who I've come to love a lot.

And so, just sometime last week, I opened up the email and sent out a note to the ones I love but have not seen for two years.



Then came the flurry of replies.

Jalita, the half-Indian half-Tahitian Canadian girlfriend of cousin Mark, says, "It is so nice hearing from you. Do you plan on visiting us here anytime soon? Well once you've sorted things out with work, you should come over :) You know you can email anytime you want, and we can chat about anything. Don't be a stranger."

Well, she single-handedly put Tahiti in my travel-to list. And she's so chatty, I've never really felt more girly yet smarty at the same time with anyone else really. She's the one who taught me too to purchase sale items online because they are tax-free.

Then cousin Mark, the cool dude who's really warmer than he looks and who convinces me the love of speed must've run in the family somehow, says, "Any interest in Redmond?"

OF COURSE, DUDE. Get me a job in Seattle. Pleeeeeease.

Finally, baby cousin Charles, the sweet one who isn't exactly a baby at only a year older than I but who is now a father ahead of us, says, "Let us know if you will be coming out to Seattle any time soon. It would be nice to see you again and for you to meet Asha."

Baby Asha. The last time I was in Seattle - that was in May of '05, I attended her parents' beach wedding. And today, baby Asha's nine months old.




I hope to see you in Seattle soon - cos i really miss that awesome place.

:)
mei

The Rape of Hewitt

Watching Nadal 'rape' Hewitt - live on cable TV - is such a very, very pleasurable experience.

I am just sitting here, shaking my head in disbelief, and smiling to myself.

Ozzie ozzie ozzie! Oink oink oink!


That's it.

Paris. This time next year. If dreams would come true.


6-3, 6-1, 7-6. Disgusting.

The dude's just turned 21 today (though he doesn't quite look it, I know).

Striped

Ooh. Hmm.

My very first ever stripes. And you could almost say I earned them.

Kill me. Sombody. KILL ME.

Big For Small

Usually, I would pay for a 'small' and get a 'regular' instead. Or, pay for a 'regular' but get a 'large'.

Today, I paid for a small size and got a LARGE one!

Coffee, that is, I'm talking about.

Still, sometimes we tend to forget that the biggest joys in our lives come in the smallest, littlest, most unexpected packages.



If I could put it this way, Pipes is probably the best deal Fatmama has ever gotten for herself.

Fatmama is such a cheap-skate. Heck.

ME's Back

It's June.

Just about ten months since.

Tons have happened to my life since as well. Some new people popped up in my life, some of whom have made rather surprisingly good friends. Some old friends crept back and unwittingly stirred up some rather unnecessary shit. And then there are those good ol' ones who have continued to stand by me, and whose shoulders I've borrowed a great deal.

I started dabbling in freelance writing to whet my secret desires, and eventually became a somewhat full-time sports writer- wannabe. I turned into an obscure celebrity of sorts with the hosting stint. I have thickened my skin a great deal - I grew from being absolute shy talking to a camera in front of a crowd of kids to being totally nonchalent about stares and finger-pointing in front of the grand stands at the National Stadium. I have grown accustomed to working non-stop 'round the clock, giving up on social outings with folks to work on the articles in the nights.

I have done what I said I had wanted to do ten months ago. I have thrown myself into the deepest, darkest end and I have crawled my way out now. I have done much thinking. I have done much resting. I have run and swum more in the past few months than I ever had in the past two years. I haven't been stocking up my wardrobe, I haven't been going to facials, I haven't been able to go on holidays, but I am loving the little bits of joy I find in other aspects of my life. I am learning to let go of my material desires and to appreciate the real 'ME' I've been slowly polishing and uncovering from the mess.

I don't listen much to the external voices still, but I have been listening a lot to myself. I have sat quietly on the side and watch the inner me grow in strength and in confidence. I have argued and made peace with the inner me.

My energy level is back. I am not exactly the same old me, but I see the same real me somewhere inside me, trying to burst out of the shell. There are things, plenty of things I want to embark on now. On my own. My thoughts are the same yet different. My words are the same yet different. I am looking the same yet different.

Best of all, I am beginning to see what kind of me I am going to be in the future - something that had been a blurry vision for the longest time.

The closest friends have remarked that I have changed. Still crazy, still passionate, still 'ME', but I exude an aura of maturity and confidence that has been missing. I like what I hear.

So this is it.

I am going to take a backseat and have a good rest. And I am going to let the inner me take over the being.

I want newness. I want change. I want excitement. I want passion. I want challenges. I want to be really good. I want my inner me to shine.

Nothing really changes, but nothing really will stay the same either.

Hear me roar, people. If you truly love me, love me.

*RAARRR*