The Dinner

With the ex.

A few of my buddies knew I was spending Christmas dinner with the Yix-man.

Some were joyous and excited for me but I was like, 'Hey, hold your horses back. I don't think I'll be making love to him by the end of the night.'

Some were incredulous, simply shell-shocked - "Why the hell are you having dinner with him on Christmas? Wasn't it awkward?". Almost with a reprimanding tone.

I was just grateful he asked.


It wasn't awkward.

I had a good time. We chatted about the funny incidents and other interesting things that happened to us. But that was it. We didn't talk. I didn't want the night tarnished.

It took me much heart, consideration and hesitation in picking his gift. I settled for something that I knew was so him. He reciprocated with a huge silly grin - the grin that I recognized meant he really liked it a lot.

I suppose he must've put in some effort in my gift too. It was uncharacteristically yet beautifully wrapped up. I love everything about it.


We had a drink before we split for the night.

I made a couple of requests that night that I know I shouldn't have, and now I'm starting to regret a little. Why make myself think he'd do anything that I asked or that he said?

The night ended with a hug that I held tight.

I don't know what would happen after.


Sometimes it feels so strange, heart-aching to a point, to see the man across you - a body you used to know so well but now seems so untouchable. So close, yet so far.

The man, whom you used to touch if he was sitting just right there next to you months ago, but whom now you can only talk to like a friend.

It is sad. Why do two persons who used to be one become strangers like this?


I don't know what to make of us anymore.

There is care but there is no affection. There is something that makes me happy, but there are also things that make me sad.

The familiarity and the estrangement at the same time make my mind swirl like a hurricane.

My thoughts are running again, and threatening to burst my brain. I don't think I can take it no more.

I want, yet I don't want. I care, yet I don't want to care.

I love, yet I don't want to love.


I enjoyed the night.

Perhaps I should learn to just leave it at that.