Zero

"Quick! Hoe is waiting for you."

"Oh my hoe..."

=)


*****

I had a man on my bed last night.

And he peed on it this morning.

Darn. Count yourself lucky, little man, that I didn't kick nor squash you last night. Hmph.


My bed.

It has the stains of dog pee, the little man's pee - and our perspiration.

("Not sweat ok. Only pigs sweat.")

I know you all are gonna flinch at the thought of it.

Not me. The smells aren't exactly sweet, but the memories are.


I had the man to myself the entire day too.

We had a nice - and slow - lunch together at my ex-hangout. Sakae.

Everything is different now. The menu. The food. The furnishing and the setting.

Even the companion is not the same. And this new one, I still have to feed some more.

As usual, I over-ordered. Fit for two. Except we were more like one-and-a-half.

By the way, food at Sakae is getting worse. Yet, the business seems to be getting better. How else would you account for all the refurbishing of the outlets?

I think I'm done with Sakae.


No shopping today.

I brought the man to Borders instead. So that he might pick up my love for books as well.

Wanted to pick some books for him, but he was too restless. Going after some other girl's balloons.

Men... sigh.


We spent four hours in town together.

Lunch and Borders took up more than half the time. The rest? I carried the man in my arms as we walked down the street a little. The crowds and the mild heat just irritated the two of us. Well, at least if he wanted to, he didn't have to walk. Which was basically the whole time. Urgh.

My back is breaking now. Sometimes I wish I had a masseuse at home - at my beck and call. So shiok, right?

Didn't manage to get any Christmas or birthday-gift shopping done.

The man just refused to be put down. Not to mention, walk. How to shop, like that?


It's not easy playing 'mom'. Not to mention, actually being one.

Can't shop. Can't eat in peace. Can't go to the foodcourt because you can't leave him alone at the table while you go get the food. Can't even go to the toilet alone, especially when the kid has a strange loo-phobia.

Can't sit at my cafe and lounge. Can't read books in Borders because the kid has an attention span far worse than mine. Can't walk all over town aimlessly, especially when you have to carry a kid in your arms the whole time.

You have to make sure you eat something edible for a kid. You have to keep making sure the kid has not peed or pooed in his pants. You have to pacify the kid when he gets irritated by something unknown. You have to calm him down when he kicks up a fuss.

And I'm not even talking about a monster of a kid here.

Why the hell would I want to be a mom?

Beats me.


*****

Life wasn't exactly totally meaningful.

At least then, I thought I had a large part of my life fulfilled. It was just less meaningless.

Now, life isn't totally meaningless, but it is just becoming less - and less - meaningful.

I can't figure out what I wake up for, or am living for, everyday.

Work? Absolutely not.

The feeling of starting all over again from square zero can't get any worse than this, I hope.


I don't know what I'm up to tonight.

I'm feeling lethargic but I don't want to stay home on a Saturday night either.

Not when I can't be alone and mope.

Sometimes, you know, that's just all you feel like doing all the time.