Back And Fighting

Fatmama is back.

Not quite bouncing yet - that may take more time.

But Fatmama is back, almost done with her thoughts. And Fatmama has found a big part of herself she almost lost, a part of her that has kept her going as a human for the longest time possible.

And Fatmama has somehow quite decided to pull down her white flag once more. To tuck it well in the darkest of corners under her big bed. She still can't quite burn it yet, though she wishes one day she could. Well, hopefully she doesn't have to use it again soon, but even if she does, she'd know where to find it.


It's bright and early, half past eight in the morning. It's Friday, the last working day of the week, and the last day of my time-off. It's amazing how I am awake and not dozing off at the wheel on my way to work.

Inspired by some newfound strength within me overnight, I drove out to have a latte at Holland Village, without having much even washed my face or taken a shower. I have an urge to write this down before I lose it again. After this, I'll go home for a walk with my girls, give them a much-needed shower and then zip off to meet Miss Agent for a long-awaited lunch date.

I haven't quite slept since four in the morning. I had dozed off almost immediately once I hit the bed last night, but I bolted up in the middle of the night for no reason at all. Maybe it was the thoughts that had been churning round and round in my mind even while I was sleeping.

I wrote and I thought and thought.

Questions. Visions. Recollections. Memories.

My mind has been shrouded by nothing but these for the past one day. Work ought to have been up there in the list, but I just couldn't have the energy to divert my thoughts anywhere else, to save my poor soul. It's still my time-off anyway.


Why?

Why do I feel the way I do? Every time I think of the possibility that I may never get to spend my life with him, to grow old with him, I just get killed bit by bit. Why can't I just envision myself living with someone else in my life?

Why can't I just let go? Like he wants me to, and like everyone else thinks I should.

Why do I feel this sense of despair, this sense of helplessness, like things are beyond my control, like I've been thrown into this deep blue ocean despite my fightbacks and against my wishes?

How long more am I going to feel this despair? How long more before I stop crying?

What is wrong with me? Is there anything wrong with me?

Do I still believe in myself? Am I telling myself I've been wrong?

Have I lost myself? Am I to be changed, despite of my own beliefs?

Quite a huge load of questions, but I think I have some headway there.


Quite simply put, I cannot bring myself to let go of everything, because I can't find me a good enough reason to convince me to.

I figure this sense of despair is driven by this sense of being forcefully put out of reach of something I want and believe in and this is probably what's driving me nuts.

It feels like some evil force is telling me to stop loving him when I can't convince myself I should.

He has done me no wrong. He just couldn't find the sparks.

Should I just give up on that?

I sound like a nutcase? A love-crazed stalker-to-be? I hope not.


It's really funny how, as I told it to his face, in spite of all that has happened, all that he's made me feel, I take one look at the man, and I can still feel only love. Love without hate, love without the shortcomings, love without asking for anything more.

I really cannot explain how this still comes about. Or how it all came about in the first place. And I think love is something we human beings shouldn't perhaps attempt to justify. Only God knows.


I think of the years we've been through, and I think none of those times was for sheer good loving fun.

We had unwittingly become so intertwined in our lives that we could think of nothing else possible but growing old together. I don't think this happens to just about anyone.

I can't just let go of this.

I read the messages we sent each other. I could, and still can, feel the sincerity in his words.

fatmamamia says:
sweetie if this thing happened like 1 or 2 years ago, i think higher chance i'll go
fatmamamia says:
but now... i feel like it's a big risk to take
Immort@l says:
now?
Immort@l says:
sweeite, u are the one i want to marry. ... if u worry bout that then u dun have to.

Immort@l says:
dun scared lah... ..
Immort@l says:
i propose now lah!!!
Immort@l says:
new and innovative
Immort@l says:
thru MSN!!!
Immort@l says:
smart huh

Immort@l says:
sweetie, i can tell u one thing for sure,
u are the one i want to marry and that i can see u grow old wif me
Immort@l says:
remember that time i told u that i will think.. ...
Immort@l says:
i am thru that stage now
Immort@l says:
i really want to marry u
Immort@l says:
and i really luff u dear
Immort@l says:
muakz
Immort@l says:
sorry for makin u feel worried

I remember the times when he looked at me at the end of my comfortings after lost games, with eyes that spoke much more volume than the words themselves, and said, "I really really love you, dear."

Words that once said, I couldn't refute against.


I know, those were the blissful days. And I know, like everyone else says, people change and feelings change.

I just refuse to accept that those words didn't mean a thing to him.


I will not know what he's thinking. If this has all been a lie on his part. If he has perhaps found someone else whom he thinks deserves more of his love than I do.

To me, he's just a confused soul. Confused by the changes going on around him. The opportunities he's been opened to. Confused by me, perhaps.

Maybe, just maybe, I scare him with the kind of love I have.

But I don't ask for anything as much. I never have. You can love me just the way you want to.


So, the woman is back. Back to fight for what she still believes is the one for her.

Where is Fatmama if she isn't fighting for her beliefs?

I will let him go, but I will not let go of my love. I can, and I will, still love him in my own ways.

For one, I will always be there.

Until the day I can convince myself he's no longer worth my while, my love story is not quite over yet.


This is not just a feel-good move on my part.

This is a step toward finding myself. Finding what makes my life worth living for. Finding how I can live tomorrow with a purpose.

Work? Job prospects? They are just bonuses that bring money on my platter. I'll start thinking about that this weekend.


God, please listen, I'm talking to you.

I don't know if I made the right move, but I need to find a way to justify the reason you put me into this world.

If I'm not his angel, then whose am I?

Something went wrong - and you were there all the while.

Wrong is the chance to make right, isn't it?

Please just let me know, in due time, if I am right in this.


I don't know what will come in the next few months. I just hope I stay strong.