Long-winded

In recent strange twists of my life that I'd rather not have, I have been learning new things almost every other day.

Things that either agitate my thoughts in sudden bemusement, or make me lose all tracks of thoughts in total bewilderment.

Either way, it messes me up inside. My fingers are furiously pounding away on my work machine with a deadline to catch, but my mind is racing somewhere else - totally out of the world I am in.

You know what I mean?

I am amazed, and disgusted at the same time, at how I manage to get work done in total non-concentration.

Either my mind is trained pretty well, or that's how 'routine' my (old) job has become.

That's why I need a new job - whether in or out of my current workplace. A new job that will hopefully keep my mind where it's supposed to be during work-hours.


Something in particular has been troubling me. Or more so, it puzzles me incessantly.

I am trying to formulate answers of my own every single day, but nothing seems to pacify me. Or more likely, the possible answers I can come up with unsettle me.

What I cannot apprehend, for the life of me, is why it seems as hard for you to let go as it has been for me.

You - yes, you.

Don't misunderstand my intentions - I have absolutely no right to ask of you for anything.

I have too much, just way way too much, to let go of - my love, my heart, my memories, my hopes, my dreams, the life we've built over the past few years, and most of all, my still-undying faith in everything.

Anyone will know what I'm talking about - only few will really understand, but others will think self-pity is at play.

But Fatmama is no drama-mama.

Letting go, to me, is just as good as telling myself to fuck off from this place and find a new heart and soul to rebuild my life.

Letting go can surely be done, I suppose, but it is definitely not as easy as 'just accepting'. Though I really wish it were. I really wish I had never allowed myself to fall into this stage where I am now. Too given to take myself back.

Words can be sluts - easily given and easily taken. But can one's heart be? I hope not.

So, I just don't understand why things are not easy for you as well.

Unless - unless the same happened to you, that happened to me six years ago.

That is the only plausible answer floating around in my head that seems to satisfy the question, but not my mind.


My 'intrusion' in the man's life wasn't all that glorious.

There was someone else. Before me. Just before me.

But it takes two hands to clap, and it takes two hearts to connect.

The emotional connection was certainly felt, the chemistry was sizzling hot, the sincerity was unmistakenly obvious. The laughters were there, and so were the touching moments. Only that the timing was probably bad - very bad.

I knew it was wrong, but I certainly didn't feel wrong. How could I have felt wrong, when you seemed to show me everything was right?

If you were in love with her then, I wouldn't have felt the reciprocated feelings from you, the butterflies in the stomach, the tingling sensations where you touched.

I didn't give up because I truly thought you were on the same page as I, and most of all, I knew what I felt wasn't anything I'd ever felt before with any other man.

'Special' sounds cliche - but it was definitely out of this world.

Reminiscing about it now curls my mouth into a slight smile.

Six years down the road, when I think about us, I think if we have made it through this long, it mustn't have been wrong in the first place six years ago.

But right here at the crossroad now, I can only think if things seemed they meant to be, then what the hell went wrong along the way?


So, unless the same happened to you. Unless you were made to feel the same way as I did six years ago.

For the hell of me, I cannot understand why.

I can only remind myself of one of my favorite phrases: what goes around usually comes around.

Maybe this is truly retribution.


The two agonizing words 'letting go' have been in my constant verbal vocabulary these days.

When Ed refers to the ex-boss as 'Boss', I tell him, "Ed, LET GO." And he laughs.

When ex-Boss talks to me about "our business", I tell him, "J, LET GO." And he laughs.

The two men probably would never know the significance of those two words I've been launching on them.


The drama serial that the man and I have been uncharacteristically hooked to at nights for the past couple of weeks is telling a side-story that eerily depicts ours.

Man and Woman have been in love for ten years, and remain committed but unmarried - a pact they both agreed to wholeheartedly for years. Man is super-duper career-minded and sees the 'union' absolutely fine the way it is. He often neglects Woman's feelings because of work commitments but doesn't realize it. He goes home, picks her up for dinners, and doesn't honestly recognize her needs. Sounds familar?

Woman feels she's getting old, partially because her modelling-life is coming to an end. She no longer feels motivated by work, and wants to settle down. Woman has been very understanding of her man's work, and ,save for some occasional sullenness, has never whined about his cancelling of dates because of an 'urgent meeting'.

Because her work life no longer satisfies her, Woman starts to look more toward her long-time relationship for more comfort and satisfaction. And because her 'age' is the demise of her modelling life, she feels threatened by a young apprentice of Man - a bubbly, totally harmless girl much younger than herself, who harbors a crush on Man, her 'master'. And because Woman is a woman, she can feel there is something more from the apprentice than just an admiration for her master.

And worse of all, Woman feels Man has an 'extraordinary' amount of care and concern for this apprentice of his.

Most of all, Woman feels Man no longer loves her like a man should love his woman. He says he loves her, but Woman feels he doesn't understand love anymore. She doesn't feel loved, though she is told so.

Woman mentions her desire to settle down. Man resists initially, insisting he finds the current status totally acceptable. But Man relents, perhaps out of love for his Woman. (Good thing this man has some real sense.) He buys a huge diamond ring and proposes. Woman is exceedingly happy.

But Woman realizes Man is not really keen and sincere about marriage because he has not shown that he spares any thought for it. He leaves in the middle of a pre-marriage counselling session, he doesn't make time to plan for the wedding, he promises to go on a long-awaited vacation with her but pulls out. Man is there, but never really there.

Woman realizes Man no longer puts their relationship as a top priority anymore. Woman feels Man is agreeing to marriage out of respect for her wishes. Maybe that's the only 'natural' thing to do since he doesn't find any reason to end the good relationship anyway. (Ok, so maybe this Man doesn't have real sense after all.)

This sounds so farking familiar to me by now.

Woman finally tells Man she wants to break up, and returns him the big fat diamond ring. Then she zips off to an island for a break - to get over it. (Ok, what she does subsequently is quite disappointing, but it's already out of the point.)

Just like that.

Just like that, after ten farking years? That's the only thing I could think throughout.

Such things only happen in movies and drama serials. Just like that.

I am not sure if the man sees the same thing I do in that story, but I suppose if he does, he must've felt equally uncomfortable, like me.

(By the way, the Man in the serial is feeling super terrible, as of the last episode I watched last night. He has lost all mood for work, and has been trying desparately to make things up. And I think, does this also only happen in movies and drama serials?)


I am not sure if drama serials are supposed to be educational, or to depict fables to teach one moral stories of real life.

I sure hope not, because I have never believed them to be so.

Drama serials are sometimes quite dumb, and almost always just entertaining.

The timeliness of this particular serial freaks me out, though.


I hope now I won't be sued for the 'copyrights to the content of the show'.