I Wish...

I am getting so sick of these one-week-long meetings.

They are an absolute waste of time. If the meetings had more valuable takeaways, then probably I wouldn't be feeling so helpless now. And the depression wouldn't set in so quickly as well.

I have tons of work to do and send back to Singapore, but I haven't had time at all in the past two days to work on them.

I have lots to plan for as well - the B.C. trip is still in limbo.

I tried checking up the web sites, and working out the estimated costs. A rented car for 3 days would cost me less than half the price of an air ticket, but the double that of a Greyhound ticket.

Money? Or adventure?

Life? Or no life?


It's exactly one in the morning right now.

I'm still in the business center, all alone. I discovered this gem of a place within the hotel last night - free cabled internet access. It felt like I found heaven.

My roomie should be fast asleep by now. I think she's turned out to be the one suffering from my irregular sleep hours, but I can't help it. This is the only time in the day that I can get some personal stuff done.

I don't mean to be mean - but I don't think I should room with her the next trip, if we can help it.


Other than the presentations I've been struggling through, the unfinished work that's awaiting me, my mind has been preoccupied largely by other matters. That wouldn't go away.

Do I want them to go away? Don't I need to think harder and to delve deeper for answers?

Do I run away? Or stay to face the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

To get a truth, there must be a provider.

Pinning down the provider is the tough one.


I'm totally puzzled.

Why do some folks see me in a way that I don't see myself? Why can't I see the woman that they see?

Have I really lost myself? Or am I just living up to an empty image that people would like to see?

I don't want to let nobody down.

But most of all, I don't want to let myself down.

I want so bad to fight for what's mine because I don't want to have no more regrets in my life - but what is rightfully mine? Do I define what's mine, or is it dictated to me by someone else?

I am pushing my late twenties, and I am moving further and further away from the life I've wanted. At times, I feel like time is running out on me, but most times, I have no idea what I am to do about it.

Life is tough - I know, you know.

I will have to go through this - I know.

I have to weave my way round - I know.

Tell me something else that I don't know.


At some point today, my mind got so loaded, in the midst of a presentation, I suddenly felt so homesick.

So out of place where I am now - so out of place in this world.

Suddenly, I felt convinced I don't belong here, I don't belong anywhere, I don't belong to anyone, I don't belong to this world.

I just wanted to - die.

Just a fleeting thought - and I jolted myself back to the meeting room.


A close girlfriend at work had a hard-to-come-by opportunity to relocate to the regional office in Hong Kong, to take on a bigger role, just at a point when she was feeling so unmotivated at work and motivated to look for a new job elsewhere.

Everything was in the works - her moving over with her baby, her mom, and even her hubby who was willing to quit his job to join her for a new life in HK.

Then suddenly, one day, she turned the offer down and decided to stay on where she is.

I learned that her hubby got a new job offer in Singapore that seemed as prospective as her new job in HK promised to be.

She decided her hubby's new job would be more important to him than her new job would be to her.

So she gave up her exciting new dream that came so close to being true.


Another veteran in the organization, some big-shot based in the campus, has just decided to retire officially after twenty years of service (I told you we are all suckers for brand passion in this company).

Her reason: she wants to give up her passion to spend more time with her daughters; it's high time.


I admire these people from the bottom of my heart, because they believe in the same values as I do.

I don't deem them 'silly'. I respect them for the courage that they have.

At this moment, I wish I had someone to consider for. I wish I belonged to someone - someone whose love for me would make me re-think about life decisions.

I wish I had someone to tell me, "I want you to stay".

I wish.