Hate

Whatever little left of the night that I had to live through, I struggled. To fall asleep.

Lying in bed in total silence, the tears would come. I had to take a walk out in the cold. The outside air cleared me up but the coldness drove me back to the room.

I slept for barely an hour, but I had an epic dream. I think God answered my request.

It was by no means like any of my usually weird dreams. Everything was played out concisely as they are - and perhaps, how they should be.

It was epic because people who matter to me all appeared in it.

My girlfriends at work, my mom, my closer friends. And of cos, the man.

It was like God put them in my dream last night because I might not get to see them much anymore.



Everything does happen for a reason.

Just like how the decision I had to make about my life fell into my laps - of all times, now when I'm thousands of miles away from home and from him.

I hate technology - MSN did the job. Fuck it.


Maybe he was right - maybe I lost the faith.

Maybe I didn't see the efforts he was putting in, and the struggles he was going through, and only saw my own pain and confusion. But perhaps again, telling me might have help.

Then again - what efforts? I trid hard to think while I was out in the cold. Maybe there were, but I just couldn't see or feel them.

There are a lot of maybes swimming in my head; I think they would eventually just drown on their own without getting any form of rescue.


I don't know what lies ahead.

Everything happens for a reason, that's true.

The worse, or maybe exciting to some, part is that you don't know where everything might lead to.

Nothing is predictable. I hate change - I hate that I couldn't change, and I hate that change took away my life.

I am looking forward to solitude. A life of my own, and on my own.

I only hope the girls can live with it.


Leaving everything behind sounds easy.

But before you even embark on it, everything about it scares you.

Loneliness, friends that will be missed, new pressures to face up to, no one to ask if you had eaten dinner.


It's scary how the amount of love that remains is being countered by an equal amount of hate.

I can't handle both in me. I am confusing myself.