Canned

I think I'm shelving the Vancouver trip.

I just can't seem to conjure up the spirits to continue the half-fark planning, work out various sums for the available modes of transport, think of where to go and what to do for three full days.

More importantly, I don't think now I can manage the seven-hour drive. Despite the multiple insurance plans I've gotten for myself this trip, I don't think it's nice to smash up a car.

I really have no mood to spend money on a trip as well now. I think the money saved is going to be much needed in coming times. I have various unpaid bills I can never keep track of.

And perhaps, most of all, I don't think I can handle, not right now, the questions that I will hate to answer and now to even hear. I know my kind folks up in Vancouver are bound to ask - I can see it coming from here.

So I suppose, best way to avoid is to disappear. I oughta learn this trick from someone who's been pulling it on me well enough to proof its effectiveness.


I still have my week-long vacation. I just don't know what I'm going to do and where I'm going.

This city has suddenly become depressing for me. I am beginning to feel mixed emotions about it - and all for the wrong reasons.

I feel like running back to the comforts of home and Piper, yet I don't want to return to my life.


I must've looked a total wreck since morning. Nobody has really said a word nor asked a question, but I can tell from the stares and the concerned look on their faces.

The bolder, and perhaps more concerned, ones did say, "You look really tired."

I only managed a faint smile - I couldn't answer because I knew the voice would break.

I made countless visits to the women's room as well - just to check on my eyes now and then. They just looked so blood-shot and puffed up all the time. I gave up trying to soothe them after a while.

I'm too tired even to hide.

It's just a really bad day at the wrong time.


I skipped dinner plans with the other folks. My roomie had her own dinner plans as well, and so I had the whole room to myself, for once, when I got back in the evening.

I slept. Like I should.

But I woke up with a jolt past midnight - I'm hungry, and I still have lots of unfinished thinking to do and a big deicision to make.

My deadline's tomorrow.

I think I've made enough bad moves in my life so far - I just can't help but feel I'm about to make another one tomorrow.


I really still can't make up my mind.

I thought the decision-making process would have been made easier for me now - but I'm awfully wrong. Which is what makes me wonder if a bad move was made last night.

This place that I've always adored suddenly seems daunting to me, everywhere I go.

All I can see is loneliness and despair - in the vast empty spaces and the quiet streets. I think I'm even beginning to feel it even before it really gets to me.

I'm starting to miss things even before I'm really losing them.

I'm imagining a new life even before I'm actually living it - and it scares me.

I have a life I want to run away from, but there are also parts of it I can't bear to leave behind.

I don't know anymore if I really want to run away.

What if this is not what I wanted? What if this makes me even more depressed and lonely than I should?

What if the girls cannot get used to this?

Do I stay on the shore, with sand so hot that it might burn my feet? Or do I plunge myself into the deep blue ocean, with a bottom so deep you never know what's beneath your feet?

Right now, all I know is I have hell lot of thinking to do. I don't have much time left - literally.


Since I've jolted back from sleep, I can't seem to fall asleep again. And I probably shouldn't until I convince myself of a choice.

I'm so farking hungry though, I'm contemplating sneaking out in search of hot hot cocoa.


God, please send my kisses thousands of miles back home and please stay with me tonight.