Chapter 34: The End?

My life journalized thus far has been like an online drama serial. One that keeps some folks tuned in regularly to catch the latest twists to the complicated love affair.

Except that this one is pretty much real-life, and not doctored by any looney-tuned director. And this probably scares some shit out of you because you realize what actually gets played out on the TV box is sometimes very much based on 'true life circumstances'.

Go on... admit it, you drama rats.

Maybe you try to catch every episode fervently because the lead actors involved are your dear friends and you'd really like to know what the heck is going on between two seemingly-loving lovebirds. Or maybe you have some personal interests vested in this because you have gone through similar circumstances, or you seem to be facing similar issues, or you simply fear that the same might ever happen to you.

Or maybe you're just tuning in because you're simply entertained by my story-telling.

Whatever the reason, I don't mind the viewership, and I am not going to start imposing some pay-per-view charges (can I actually do that, by the way?).

My life is written out on the world wide web - simply because:
(a) I like technology, and the idea of an online journal,
(b) I need to utilize fully my internet subscription,
(c) I like typing and I lurve my pbook,
(d) I write so I don't have to talk so you guys don't have to ask but you guys still know anyhow (which saves me the trouble of bringing packets of Kleenex out when I go out with you guys),
(e) this is the only way I can get my feelings through to some people,
(f) I want to up the value of my blogshares (which, by the way, I stumbled upon and found out there are some strangers somewhere out there who are trading on my blogshares - this is pretty hilarious, I find).

No, seriously. Only (d) and (e) above apply.

And I write so that hopefully ten years down the road, wherever I may be, I would still be able to click on my web site and look back on these memories - and perhaps laugh at myself.

And wouldn't it be real cool if my own kiddo could google on his momma and read for himself, in his momma's own words, the life she's been through to have him in this life?

I write, so you can read about the experiences I've gone through. About how some plain girl like me - perhaps that colleague you never really knew, or that girl whom you've only met on the basketball courts, or that quiet girl who's a friend of your hubby, or that strange girl whom you don't even really know personally - has got some real heartaches to live through.

Sometimes, all may not be well as it seems.

This is only human. This is only life.

Just like how any drama serial gets its fair share of readers' mail about how the story should have been or what the lead actor should have done or how some other actor should be condemned to death, my life story gets some readers' comments too on how I should look up and see life ain't that bad.

I appreciate the concern I've managed to invoke in some of you. Though when it's anonymously rendered, I find it kinda hard to direct my gratitude.

Fact is, I know all those lines from self-help books. I've read enough of them.

I know 28 isn't exactly too old - but neither is it young as well.

I know life ain't that tough - but neither is it that simple as well.

I know things don't seem that bad as they sound - but neither do they sound or seem good as well.

I suppose every similar situation is unique to every different person. You might have gone through a similar experience as I have - but I'm sure you probably didn't think the same, share the same beliefs and values, feel the same feelings, want the same things, hope the same things, say the same words, and most of all, you probably didn't love the same person as I did.

I am still going through a learning phase, and probably always will be. I go through my fair share of life experiences, and I grow and learn from them.

I will grow and I will learn on my own - otherwise, nothing is really gained.

My mom and dad have known the wiser from years of raising me - never force me into anything, or I will do the opposite. Advice rendered will always be taken selectively. I think I've grown up just fine this way, thank you very much.

Many heads might be shaking right now - "Listen to that foolish woman".

Foolish, I may seem to you, but I know I am not, in God's eyes.

The only thing I know, and have known so far, is to love, and love deeply.

This is the best I can be, to be more like Him.

I will make my own choices about my life, and bear any mistakes of my own, and hopefully learn from them. Just like what I'm struggling to go through now. A choice that I bore for the past six years that has turned out to be a cruel joke at times, and which I'm still trying to figure out if it's a mistake to bear.

So readers, you'd have to bear with me, my gripings and wallowing and all, if you go on reading as you choose.


My life story hasn't come to an end. There is no director in sight, except the Hand who created it all.

I am only the lead actor in it. Sometimes, the defiant actor questions the Director - Why? Why couldn't You have given me a happier role to play in this story? Why choose me to be the actor in this particular drama?

For only reasons He knows, I suppose.

In time to come, I hope I would realize those reasons too.


In the meantime, the love affair seems to have come to a sad end, but all is not over.

Maybe the chapter will not be closed - for now.

But that's another story to come.

Stay tuned.