"You should be happy to know that you're so good in your work that you've been offered twice this trip."
Oh, really? Should I be?
How come I don't feel the pride nor happiness?
"You are really good strategically; it'd be a waste to keep you where you are."
Am I really?
If I am, then why is it that I appear to have believed in the wrong one, and invested my faith and emotions in something that would never bear returns? Why couldn't I have foreseen what might come my way? And instead, why have I stupidly hung on to my blind faith for so long, thinking I couldn't have been wrong?
Why couldn't I even steer my life in directions I wanted?
No, I am really not. I can't seem to plan right for my own life, and see it through any.
I have already screwed up my life; I don't want to screw up your business as well.
I wriggled my way out of providing my answer today.
I still cannot make up my mind. There are still too much stuff and too many things I cannot let go of.
And I believe, there are certain things that need to be done before we can embark on others. I am laden with way too much baggage that I don't think I can even trod toward the next step.
This is yet another life decision.
And I am not young anymore. I have lost my youth; I cannot afford to waste any more time on making wrong life decisions.
I can't screw my life up a second time. I don't think I would be able to take it.
And I think it's only fair I am not able to make a decision while I'm here - all alone and faraway from home.
Perhaps things at home will show me a better direction - especially when the truth hits me right in the face and the reality seeps into my mind again.
For now, I really can't think right.
I really have been holding back tears that I wanna let flow. But there's no place I can hide.
I'm gonna keep calling everyday to see if I can catch an earlier flight home.
This trip is fucking killing me.
3 comments:
come back quick...& decide then....
just come back first...he shd not have done it when u were there....come back 2 ur home, ur frens lst...
"And I am not young anymore."
28 is the perfect age.
The boys your age don't mind it; younger boys are fascinated by how womanly you seem; older men think you're young, and hot.
"I have lost my youth; I cannot afford to waste any more time on making wrong life decisions."
And what was it you so wanted to do with your youth that you can't do now? (other than certain physical/physiological things such as staying up all night all week...)
"I can't screw my life up a second time. I don't think I would be able to take it."
Just because your life has not turned out the way you expected or desired it to, does that mean you've screwed up? Are you looking at other possiblities? To paraphrase a Buddhist adage, every moment has infinite possiblities - it is a beginning, a continuation, an end. ("The sun doesn't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round." - from The Flaming Lips, Do You Realise)
It's easy to lose one's head in times of crisis (personal or otherwise). But an applicable cliche is this: if it's meant to happen, it will take all the time that it needs to, but you will get to it.
And in the meantime, catch it, ride it, deal with it, be calm and be brave, and do the things you have to do.
- Friend
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