No Life

I am really becoming life-less.

I was almost going crazy tonight. Getting stuck in the office - consciously or subconsciously - till 9 on a Friday night has never been my personal motto. I always tell colleagues never to work overtime on a precious Friday night - "It's the weekend," I would always proclaim.

Friday nights and Saturdays were once my precious days of the week. Those were the times I would get to spend time having fun with him - dinners, movies, shopping, pool, bringing the girls to the beach, lounging. Anything, but we would be together.

Now, I dread the weekends. And somehow I feel they are coming a little too fast. I would rather live Mondays to Fridays anytime now.

I have to stop reminiscing the past. I have to consciously tell myself.


I didn't want to call up friends tonight; I don't want anyone to sacrifice their precious Friday nights for me. I don't want to have to start talking about this. Friends remind me of him. Most of all, I fear rejection.

Today is just one of those days where you feel like being alone, but fear being alone.


I was just about to hit the cafe alone again when my 'newfound' drinking buddies rang me up.

I'm so grateful I have these guys now. They are my twice-weekly companions, and they have no qualms asking me to join in the group. Though I suspect they must be wondering why I am always able to turn up - anytime, anywhere. Why I am so no-life.

Oh, and they comment my MSN nick depresses them so much, they don't have a desire to send me a message everytime I pop up online.

They make me drinks, and they make me laugh now. Most of all, they never knew him personally. So they never ask me anything about him. Which makes me relieved. Which is probably why I'd rather hang out with them now.

Sometimes I just don't want to talk - about what happened, and about how I am. It doesn't feel good having to admit I am not feeling good. I drink, I laugh. But sometimes, I would sink into a stoned mood all of a sudden, thinking about him. Wondering how he is, or where he is. Thinking I would be with him right now if I weren't with these guys. Then I snap back into reality and start drinking and laughing again till I next hit the stoned mood.

I have to stop that as well. Thinking about him. Nobody is thinking of me, I have to constantly remind myself.


I fear rejection.

But that is how I feel right now - rejected. I never really said 'yes' to giving this up, I recall. But it doesn't really matter now. It is not a matter of what I want, what I wish.

I feel so rejected, so cast aside, so mis-used. When I don't think I deserve it all.


Anyway. I have to also stop talking about him. Another constant conscious reminder.

I am dreading having to think what I'm going to do tomorrow, and then the next.

Friends kindly suggested: Go do things you've always wanted to do, but never really did.

Yeah, good idea. But things I've always wanted to do but never did, were never done because I couldn't afford the money, not the time, to.

Travel.

Photograhy courses.

Splurging on myself.

Moving out and getting myself my own pad.

Raising another puppy.

Well, ok, blind dates are free but not quite what I have in mind, thank you very much.

So, maybe that's why I am doing nothing everyday now. Not wanting to meet friends, yet having nothing new to indulge in.

I cannot wait for the end of the month when I get my bonus paycheck. Then I can get some relief after clearing all the bills and the car stuff. And then I will save the rest - I need to save for my future now. The last one I had is gone.

Oh, but my drinking buddies have offered to whisk me away to Bangkok for a 'wasting' weekend. The itinerary would be to go for massages in the day, then hitting the clubs in the night. They claim the night scene there is fantastic.

I am hoping they would bring me to my first 'Tiger' show.