Me

Temptation is after all the masterpiece of the Devil himself.

When the Devil tempts, only the weak in soul will succumb.


I cried that he changed while I did not.

How could it be? How could one stay so faithful in a seemingly strong relationship while the other could not?

Why couldn't I find myself to change too? Why didn't I fall prey to any temptation as well in all these years, just so it wouldn't have felt so bad for me now?

If it's 'only natural' for a long-time love to fade, why didn't mine?


Today, I am proud of myself.

I am proud that I had stood tall against the Evil one.

In my bit of loving, I had stayed true to myself, to my own feelings. I believed in what I had, what I was doing, in my own values - and most of all, I stood by them. I believed in love in its most beautiful sense - no faults, no hate, no conditions.

Nothing was for nothing.

It is indeed amazing how I didn't change. How could it when it was so alive and so strong every single day?

Call me silly, but I am happy.

I am proud that I was never once selfish in our relationship. I am proud I could put someone's concerns before mine, and I could think for someone before I concluded. I am proud I never had to ask him for a single thing, I never had to demand his attention.

I am actually proud that I can, and I did, love this much, this big.

You never ask for the rewards for what you sow. If rewards are ever granted, they will be forever.

I don't seem to have my rewards today - maybe because I still don't deserve any. Maybe I am worth more than what this could have offered me. I will know some day in this life.

God, aren't you proud of me too?

I could do it again, if you want me to - but please, this time, make sure you put the right one before me.


I seem to be doing better. Through no one, but myself.

Through my thoughts and through the bits and pieces of knowledge I've been gathering for myself these days.

Perhaps the fact that I played a role in saving a good friend helped too. Helping someone you care about from straying into a possible ending like mine makes it a little more meaningful in my life.


I knew of a lot of things in the recent past that turned my world upside down, crushed it, and almost left me to die.

I now know of things that dry up my teary eyes, awaken my braindead head, and see things for myself in a bigger picture.

Honestly, I still don't know what I am going to do tomorrow, or the day after, or everyday to rebuild my life. But at least, now I know I have a life ahead and I just have to work towards living it better - for myself. Whatever I may end up doing.


Change.

Change happens all the time, and you never know what change might do to you, whether for better or for worse, until you realize change in you has turned circumstances around you.

The math is simple.

When you change for the better, you know it because life is rosier and most of all, you are happier. In fact, you make people around you happy, and sometimes, you're even the cause for their happiness.

When you change otherwise, most of the time you don't see it when your life gets messier, you wonder why you always never find the happiness you yearn, and you hurt the people around you. Sometimes you're the cause of their sadness. Sometimes you know it only when it is a tad too late. How late? Maybe a year, or maybe ten, maybe never till the day you step into your grave.

Life gets a little trickier there.

Sometimes change is anticipated, mostly it is not.

Sometimes anticipated change is known to be avoided, but it is not.

That happens when one loses his good head. Good heads, when you know you have one, should always be kept wisely in place, on your shoulders that is, and not on anyone else's especially Mr Devil himself. Because once lost, it can be hard to recover the damage done to it.


I am, I suppose, going through big changes in my life now. Just that my change is the by-effect of someone else's change.

I feel pity at the unforced changes for myself, but I feel more for someone else's.

I have been looking only at my misfortunes - how I seemed to have lost everything, how I was let down, how I was lied to, how I almost got my dreams fulfilled but was robbed of them cruelly. Maybe that only served to make me feel worse everytime. No wonder the graph only has one downward direction.

I have to be selfless again here.

I cannot just see myself, and the pain I'm feeling. I have to see how my pain was caused by someone else's confusion.

How someone made a decision and made me a victim of it.

How someone released me from further pain.

I have to see and understand how someone has turned out to become - just so I can tell myself I can move along myself.


Knowing a lot of things now does not make me love someone less.

Knowing does not make me care about someone less. Knowing does not make me hate someone. Knowing does not take away the pain overnight. Knowing does not erase the past, and knowing does not make it seem like a fantasy lived.

But knowing helps me heal. Fast or slow, I still don't know. But for sure, I know I will be better.

Simply because there is no reason for me not to be.

Knowing will perhaps help me understand how some things are not meant to be - now or ever, I don't know. Knowing helps me understand I am done with this episode of my life, and I should start a new one.

I know there will still be days when I would cry, when I would think about the past and think about how the future could've been. There will be times when I cry over the love lost, over the man that once existed but now is lost. But I hope those times come and go, and will not stay to haunt me.

For one, I am deciding to boycott all weddings. Sorry folks, I know I should be celebrating your happiness with you, but I don't want to dampen anyone's mood. =)


I surely hope the sad days don't hang around too long. Yes, I'll be alone most weekends, but hopefully being alone will not arouse the loneliness.

A rotten apple can upset my stomach for one day, or maybe two.

But after that, I'll be well enough to eat as many apples as I want. Given I'm wise enough to pick only the good ones to munch on.


I am a very sentimental person.

And I am not frivolous with my affections. If I decide I like something, it must mean I really really like it.

I am the sort who attributes life to every single piece of possession I own - my car, my pillows, my shoes.

I am the sort who keeps her favorite pair of Jordans ten years after they were broken down - simply because I love them too much to throw them away. You don't just throw a loved one away after he has broken down, do you?

My four-year-old pink Rifts are broken too, and I still have them on my shoe rack.

The second spare pair I have broke down barely a day after I started wearing them. I am still holding them up using safety pins. I don't know how long more I still can wear them, but the day they die on me, I know they'll be sitting nicely next to the original pair on my shoe rack.

I cannot find myself to throw away the memories, the man I once knew. If I still have faith in a pair of almost-broken shoes, how can I throw away the faith in a human whom I think still isn't broken down yet?

Having faith in someone doesn't mean wanting someone back by your side.

Having faith in someone means you only hope for the better for him, that he finds peace in his heart.

Having faith means not giving up on a friend, on someone you care about. It means not discounting someone just because he has lost himself.

Having faith means believing that people can still find themselves - if, and only if, they want to.


I am not taking back my words.

I did find the One. The man I knew was indeed the One, but the man I now know is no longer the one. The One I knew is now gone and non-existent in my life.

I had the luck to find it, but I also had the misfortune to lose it.

Just my luck.


Very soon, I'll be one year older.

But this time, I hope I'll grow six years wiser.