Human

I cannot decide if days are passing by quickly enough, or too slowly for me.

At any moment in time, I sit and stare, and I can feel the minutes and seconds tearing away bit by bit at my innerbeing. The state of mind where it's empty and full at the same time, and nothing seems to be happening, it can almost drive me nuts.

But when I try hard to think of events that have passed over the week, it seems like I have to dig hard into my memory to recall the place, the time, the words, the faces.

I suppose weekends make it worse, and when I think of the many more weekends to come, I think I have a long way to go.


I slept too much, but I'm feeling more tired. Mentally, emotionally, physically.

It is such times like this when I really wish I could lay my body down to rest for good.


I finally broke the painful silence to best friend Lyn.

I didn't really want to talk, but I didn't want to hurt her too, and most of all, I badly needed someone to cry to.

The poor girl was taken aback. After all, I've always been "ok" to her.

She certainly hadn't been expecting this sort of news after the long silence between us.

I'm sorry, Lyn.

It's not just you that I don't want to see. It's practically everyone in this damned world.


The question came matter-of-factly: "Are you suicidal?"

I looked at her, and I couldn't lie through my eyes. I'm not an active suicidal.

I don't really want to find a way to die, but I tell God, if he wants to take me away, I wouldn't at all mind this time.


I've lost tremendous amounts of weight since I've graduated from school almost 6 years ago.

Practically every one of my old friends has made the same comment.

In a world where most other normal folks are putting on gradual weight after plunging into a routine work-life (breakfast-work-lunch-work-dinner-drinks-sometimes supper), I have certainly caused sufficient concern and worry in some friends for them to egg me on to see a doctor - to 'find out what's wrong'.

Never have I had a full body check all this while, despite all the advice.

My point: I'm happy where I am now. I don't want to know of a disease that tells me I'm going to die soon. That I won't have the rest of my life to spend with him and my dogs.

This week, one of the first things I did when I returned to work was to find out about the full body check offered by the company insurer.

Now is the time to know. If I would die soon of any disease. The sooner, the better.


See. I'm not an active suicidal.

I just want to know where I might be five years later. Or if I would even be anywhere.

I know, writing this here would cause worry in you, friends.

But don't you worry. I'm only thinking, not acting.


I don't want people telling me I'll be ok.

I know I'll fucking be ok. Just when? Just how ok?

I want you telling me I'm going to feel very bad. I want you to tell me this is normal.


I'm never one to plan for my life.

I'm never one who makes resolutions and works towards them. I only try to, just to make myself feel purposeful.

If I'm happy where I am, doing what I do, having what I have, I'm contented enough to just make sure I enjoy every single moment. Why bother about tomorrow when I have today?

If I'm not happy, then I'd start thinking hard about what would.

I've never had a real answer to the stupid question: "Where do you see yourself five years from now?"

Fuck. If I could see, I wouldn't have been put here on this Earth.

But for now, I wish I could see. Tomorrow. Five years. Ten years. Fifty years when I become a pruny old woman.


I know you feel the same pain, but it's probably different.

And I know there must be some people out there who're dying to help you now.

I hope you find the help you've wanted, if not from yourself.


Do angels actually feel this sad?

Maybe then, I'm not good enough to be an angel.

I gotta snap out of this 'angel' thingy. I must remember, I'm only human, like you.