Knowing

I don't know if I should have done what I had done.

If I hadn't, I might've lost a large bit of my mind, going crazy on my own - thinking, wondering, visualizing, guessing, assuming, hating.

But I had, and that large bit of mind has gone crazy - thinking, knowing, visualizing, hating.

What I had guessed, largely by observation, a thorough thought-process and pure instincts, doubted and secretly hoped against - had been confirmed. Devestatingly.

I wish I hadn't known.

But I know I had to.

I wish it didn't happen.

It didn't have to. It shouldn't have. Not right now. But it did.


What I had to do to get to the truth wasn't all that glorifiable.

But I was left with no choice. I was left with nothing but my own resources.

I have been a fool, yes indeed. But I would've been a much bigger fool, if hadn't known.

Saving us wasn't possible. The very least I could do was to save myself some grace.


I am not going to deny. I am still crying. And it has gotten worse.

I walk with a blank stare on the floor. I drive at 70kmph because my right foot has no strength to step on it. I sit and stare blankly into space. I've been horned at numerous times on roads by cars that I didn't see coming.

I catch myself doing these, but I can't find the energy to snap out of it. Not just yet, I hope.

I have never really understood the feeling of being really 'zombified'. I know now.


But I am glad. That it's over. The turmoils in my heart.

The only thing left now is to just cry it all out.

No more doubts to confuse myself. All that's left is just sadness. It is a little easier to handle.

I think I have asked all that I've wanted to ask. I don't think there's anything more I would want to know.

Have I then gotten all the answers I need? Maybe. Maybe not.

But at least, I am finally getting honesty, and not just words that might appease me. I can tell the difference. I know him too well.


A strange wave of peace floods over me.

I feel calm, though lost, at times. But other times, the tears would threaten to burst and I would have to make a quick excuse out of the office.


There are things that still need to be settled. Bills mainly. The car. The insurance. The road tax. Gracie's jab. The bill for the accident. My senseless shopping bills in Portland. They all come just so timely.

I am in the meantime fighting for my just remuneration at my new job.

I think I need better luck in that right now.


This is all I can write here.

The rest is too painful for you to see.