Said totally clueless but absolutely well-meaning colleagues to me: "Wah! We've been noticing you: dressing up in pretty skirts and girly shoes more often recently, and hair growing so long. Is it because your boyfriend just came back, huh? Or is it you're getting married already?", complete with the *wink wink*.
Ha. I wish ah.
But I simply replied by rolling my eyes and frowning at them with a "What the hell you talking about?" look.
Just for the record, the man didn't just come back; he's been back almost a year. My hair is long because I have no money for a bloody haircut, and my stylist just refuses to cut my hair - "Your hair growing so nice! No need to cut! Nice nice!"
?!?!?!
I suppose I have been in a much better mood these days. Or maybe I'm just immune to everything - for now.
I'm kinda throwing myself headlong into my new job role, trying to find new responsibilities and create more interesting work for myself. Hopefully, I'm getting more money out of this. But at the very least, it is saving my sanity at work by keeping my mind off certain stuff for nine hours everyday. So far.
Maybe I'm just numb by the supposed peace that's going on in our life right now. Peace because of love, or peace because of no-war? I don't know. Whatever it is, it is making me a little less sad, a little more positive, though a little apprehensive as well. At times, it feels like he's trying to lead me ahead but I'm fearful of following blindly into the next step.
Still, I'm grateful to him for making things that much easier for me, and perhaps for himself too, to bear from now till the deadline.
For the past few weeks, I thought I had enough and was done with all the self-torturing thinking. I thought I had the answers for myself, and had only to wait for his.
Today, I realize I thought wrong. The thoughts, all those thoughts, just hit me with a whammy out of nowhere. I think I had simply stopped thinking; I wasn't quite done yet, I suppose.
There is no coldness, but there is no warmth either.
There are no upsetting fights, but there are no loving words either.
There is no silence, but there is no hearty carefree laughter either.
There is no shunning, but there are no open arms either.
Everything is just so... normal.
Sometimes I want to believe that we're on our road to recovery; sometimes I want to stop myself from believing. Because reading into signs can either make or break you, and I'd rather stay complete and alive, for now, to enjoy the good things while I still have the chance to.
Biggest mind-boggling question: What went wrong? Was it me?
There is still too much left unsaid between us, and I still have a lot of questions that I need answers for. In questioning him, I have uncovered questions for myself. So now I have double the number of questions in me, and I have no energy to conjure up answers. I have no energy to think too.
I still believe, when love is real and well, sometimes you don't even need answers.
I found myself thinking about love, in a different perspective, these days, though.
Maybe, just maybe, there is no such thing as true love - just like what 'they' always say. Maybe love is meant to come and go, to flit past you as quickly as you should change partners. Maybe there is never such a thing as 'forever' nor 'happily ever after' - they are merely Webster words that storytellers use in their fairy tales. Songs that sing of everlasting love, and about dying for true love, are all just frauds. For suckers like us to believe endlessly in, with no real ending in store.
Maybe there is no such person in this world as "The One".
Maybe I've been wrong all my life.
Against my utmost beliefs and ideals, I've been hearing from people around me that things change, people change, feelings change, and that there's nothing I can do about it but to accept them. The world changes all the time as well.
Why is it then that I can find myself staying unchanged - with all willingness and faith? Am I wrong? Do I not belong to this world then?
I can't accept excuses and defences. But I will learn to let go, if there's no more faith to hold on to.
Still, the questions I have will not escape from my mouth just yet. It is still not the time to do so, and I will learn to honor that.
Things seem to be looking up, and I'll just leave myself to the hands of God. I'll have to bear every moment deep in my mind now, for they may be all I am left with.
Good - I feel less constipated now.
Don't come round asking me again, if the man reads this.
I don't ask him questions.
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2 comments:
Tot i read something about a deadline.. Is it those kind of ultimate make or break deadlines??
Kind of surprise to read dat u are sending him to work in times of such uncertainties..
Neither fren nor foe, angel nor fiend.. Just a LIVESTRONG supporter too..
Driving him to work is not a chore, nor an activity that needs any reconsideration.
It's just some peaceful lone time with him that I've always appreciated - and still do.
It's no-baggage time; I'm there next to him, and I just focus on the road. (Actually got baggage, but in the boot.)
I suppose, you don't just become selfish and stop the caring simply because circumstances suggest you should.
Only silly people who operate by feeling, rather than thinking, do such things.
(Actually got one more practical reason - we share the car, it's only right that the car serves him equally as it does me. Haha.)
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