Life

The recent spate of unhappiness has resulted in a lot of thinking... and psycho-analyzing. And a lot of talking about it.

Life. The meaning of it. The living of it.

Life is short, they always say. But the road ahead till the day I die looks long and uncertain. You'd never really know life is really that short, until you've lived it till the end. Isn't that always so?

Life probably seems short, when we have so much we want to do that we'll likely never be able to finish all in our lifetime.

In our age, we see so much, we hear so much, we read so much, we learn so much.

There are 1,001 things we would like to do, but trying to achieve just one thing is already tough enough a task. You get so stuck at one thing for so long, it's no wonder most of us normal human beings can only manage to do so much - or so little, in this context - while we have the breath to.

And then, you need to prioritize. What needs to be done? What realistically can be done?

What is the one thing that matters to me the most, that will bring me the greatest happiness and satisfaction when achieved?

And then... where do you start?


I am at a loss.

I have perhaps not 1,001 things I'd like to do, but certainly, I have many.

And I don't know where to start. Nor do I know what is the one thing I need to do first to get me that sense of innerpeace - and confidence - to pursue the rest.

The one thing I used to believe in, that almost could've given me the happiness and innerpeace I was so yearning for, eluded me. Now it's back to square zero.

I am really unhappy in my job - it's not nice at all to be given the impression I'm quite redundant where I am. But where do I go from here? Do I go to another place to get stuck there sometime down the road again? Do I really want just another 'job' again?

How many chances should I give myself to prove anything right - or wrong, for that matter?

I honestly do not know what life means to me now. What my purpose in life is supposed to be. What my dreams stand for. And most of all, what I should do nor where I should go.

Run and hide? Or charge and get slammed?

I no longer am certain what I want in life. I don't even know me anymore.

I don't have answers to the above, nor do I have answers for anything anymore. I don't even trust myself to come up with something I can believe in.

It's a bother having these thoughts running through my mind every single second. I am never at peace.

And the fact that I'm never at peace because of all these uncertainties drives me even more nuts.

Is this just a woman thing? Or does it happen to everyone, anyone?

That's why - I really really wish I were a dog instead. A dog who is so loved by her momma, and who lives only for her momma. A dog who only has to sleep the whole day and whose worries for the day vanish the moment her momma comes back home.


I have fears too.

I have never recognized this fear, but I am admitting it now.

I fear loneliness.

I fear being alone.

That's why - I really feel sometimes I'm just living for my dogs, just like how they are living for me now.