Better Off Dead

I am not stupid.

So why make me feel so?

I can see. I can feel. I have better senses than you'd ever know.

I am not dumb.

So why am I acting so?

I know. I know love makes one act stupid. But I think I'm way overboard.

Both in the loving bit. And in the acting stupid bit.

If the love hurts. If the love makes you look way more stupid than you should. If the love is never going to bring you the happiness you seek.

Then what good is the love?

Why am I still so hung up? This is like the love hangover.

No aspirin is going to cure it. No amount of sleep is going to get me over it.

What then?

I really wish I could have a gun that would zap all my memories away.

I really wish I could have a time-mobile that would bring me back to where I was years ago, where hopefully I would make a better choice then. A choice of not making you part of my life.

I really wish I could have a change of heart, and a change of my brain. A change where I would have a mind that would rule over my heart.

I really wish I had a different life altogether. A life where I would be happy, at least.

I really wish I had been a better person. A whole different person.

And sometimes I really wish the clock of death would strike soon.

Maybe then, the hangover would be cured. Once and for all.


I just want to end this all.

But where is the courage I need?

When will I ever stop wanting to see you?

How can I get you out of my system once and for all?

Stop making me feel things that will never be. Stop everything that you make others feel.

I am not them. Nor do I want to be one of them.

When will I ever stop thinking you'll be there for me?

I don't hate you. I just hate myself.


God, this is where I really really need your help.

Please. Don't leave me to die like this.