Plagued

I am hot. And I am bothered. Both physically and mentally.

I declined lunch with my sistas. I need some lone time, because I won't be alone for the rest of the day.

And I so want to be alone.


Somehow, unwittingly, I'm back on the binge.

God, save my liver.

*****

"... sometimes I really miss you a lot."

Another impulsive yet unregretful act.


It's been a long while since I cried myself to sleep. Not especially when I have my mom, and sometimes my little one, sleeping on my same bed every night.

But I did last night. And it just hit me.


It started with a harmless MSN chat with a sista in the afternoon.

Question: after so long, does it still hurt?

Answer: of cos still hurt lah.

Short, succinct, and very honest.


Or, maybe it all started with a dormant but brewing sense of loss within me all this while.


Then it was a chat over drinks with another sista.

Question: do you still think he's the one?

Answer: I can't say for sure, but after all these unfortunate encounters, nothing else fits just as right. I'd like to think we had everything going, except for the timing.

And it launched me into this whole thinking shit on my drive home.


I don't really know what ticked further later in the night.

Perhaps it was his new display picture. A mugshot (a 'kanasai' one, at that) that strangely struck some chord and made me cry.

For that moment, I wanted him so bad, I sent that unwarranted message and then lay my head down to rest as I teared.


I woke up at 5 to realize I hadn't yet taken a shower.

It must've been that dream that woke me up. That dream in which we kissed.


I am plagued by everything.

By unfounded worries. By unsoothed fears. By a sense of longing. By undying love.

And most of all, by all these dreams every night.

God, save my soul.

*****

If there's one thing I notice of myself lately, it's that I play with too much fire these days.

With no fear. With no care for consequences. With no qualm.

Like I tell myself, I have nothing more to lose.