Of Life and Dreams

"An zua le eh kun eh leh teh ah?"

For the Hokkien-illiterate, that is: "Why your skirt so short ah?" - literally.

And no, it wasn't coming from my mom. It came from office mates who find me wearing non-tomboy clothes these days very amazing, and who start teasing me non-stop.

They make me feel awkward, like some auntie fussing over an all-grown up ugly duckling: "Wah, grow up already, so pretty ah!"

The funny thing is, it isn't even the first time I'm wearing this skirt to work. And it happens every time I wear my three-inch heels to work.

The teasing goes on and on and on... Give me some peace, please. Like that how to grow up?

*****

I had an email-conversation with an office mate today. Just some frivolous chat that chased away some Monday blues.

And I realized almost everybody I know dreams of being their own boss.

It's just a matter of who eventually has the will to do so in the end.

I hope I do.


I've kinda figured out some source of my recent bout of depression.

Which didn't really seem to be of much help - there's still the problem to solve. But at least, it helped me put things in clearer perspective. It helped me see what the bigger issue for me was, and it helped me deal with some things with much more ease.

And I hope, it is helping me let go. Eventually. Some day.


Friends who know me well, know I am not a 'Snakes & Ladders' person.

Friends who don't, think I am too ambitious, gunning for a position in the world headquarters.

Like my boss put it very clearly, complete with a snigger: "C'mon lah, what do you really think your chances are?"


For someone who listens too much to her heart and who (still) dreams of saving all the animals in this world from pain and suffering, I hate my corporate life.

And I have always hated it - since the day I knew I was inevitably going to take a step into it. Since that day, I have always wondered when and how my grand exit would be.

But my disdain for the corporate world has not always been apparent. Not until now.

While I was silently lamenting my purposeless corporate life, I was also happily in love.

Never mind that I wasn't anywhere near my dreams. It was enough that at least one of us was. And I was satisfied simply having someone to go home to at the end of an unsatisfying workday.

My everyday work life ended up in my blind spot.

Loving someone and growing old with that someone was all I could see right in front of my eyes.

As long as I had a soulmate, everything else just became secondary.

There was no more 'me'. There was only 'we'.


Since the day I lost my love, I have come to realize I have lost my life too.

The fact that I am still stuck in a corporate world has been getting to me of late. And the very fact that I'm chasing after nothing near my dreams in my life.

There's nothing for me to look forward to when I wake up every morning, ready to spend the next 12 hours of the day. And worse of all, there's nothing for me to look forward to when I go home at night.

No love. No life. Only Hoe. And my two girls who look at me with lovelorn eyes, only to remind me I'm doing nothing for their dogkind.


I have never in my entire life questioned myself about my weekends.

Weekends have always been mindless (since I left school, anyway). Sleep, relax, play, movies, dinner, basketball, talk cock, snuggling up to the loved one.

These days, I waste my weekends away and I keep wondering why I do so.


Portland. I don't love Portland that much.

But Portland offers me an opportunity to a new life. Or at least I try to convince myself so.

The life here seems fixed for me, until I find a way out.

I am hoping Portland helps me there.


No Portland?

I'll try my darnest to find an old, rich and dying vet who's willing to sponsor my vet degree and eventually bequeath his vet business to me.

Or, maybe a sugar daddy who will do the same.

Or, more realistically, I'll quit and become a part-time vet assistant, a part-time tutor, a part-time early childhood educator. Part-time anything but a full-time corporate rat.

Or... I should just find another job that pays me better, slog my ass for a few more years, and hope I save enough money to sponsor myself some animal-related courses.

Whatever. Whatever that brings me out of the rut I'm stuck in right now.


I may be getting too old to be the hip 40-year-old mom who leaves her kids to fend for themselves and goes off to enjoy the rest of the world on her own.

But I'm not too old right now to go off and enjoy the world on my own, am I?


Figuring this out has not solved any problem. In fact, it has shown me what my real problem is to solve.

And seeing things this way makes me realize what should matter, and what should not, to my life.

I have, very regretfully, wasted a very large part of my life, giving up so much of myself but getting nothing in return in my life.

I don't want to make the same wrong twice in my life. I have had enough.

It's time for myself now.

Ok, and you too, my baby girls. Let's go save the world together, ok?

*****

Once in a while, I might end up whining about a love lost and a certain someone, but I'm sure that'll come to pass some day.

Hey, no joke ok.

It might take you a couple of years to realize you truly love someone, a few more years to continue loving that someone, but it'll probably take a lifetime to forget such a love.


My friends, if you are behind me in my quest for a bigger cause in life, give me a big hug the next time you see me, will ya?

My girls do that every single night. =)