A Thin Line

Current mood: Just awful. Indescribably awful.

So much so that I almost broke down at my desk.


Worklife is getting so terrible for me, I almost had an impetus to throw in the towel.

Just like that.

Just hand in the letter and walk out of the office.

One sister gone, another stuck in a meeting, I'm out here sitting at the cafe writing again. I so wish I could just sit here for the rest of the day.


Time to reevaluate life.

I'm not becoming a nice person at work, and it's killing me.

Perhaps it's time to leave a life which serves no purpose. Perhaps it's time to do what I've always wanted to do.

Which is what?


Today's just one of them days you feel no one would really care if you just disappeared from the face of this earth.

Good riddance, even.


*****

"U take care. I am always there for you."

A sweet message that I would've normally replied with a smile, but I left ignored.

I couldn't reply.

It came from an old friend.

A friend who gave up on me more than six years ago because he realized I was so much in love with another man and I could never like him the same way.

A friend who returned to his then-girlfriend and eventually made her his wife.

A once good friend whom I met up last night after a long, long while. A good friend who got visibly upset when he learnt what had happened.

"If I knew this was going to happen, things would have been different for me."

A bold revelation that did nothing good for both me and him. I wish he hadn't said that.

I would be terribly upset if I knew my husband said that to an old flame.


"Why?"

Things change. People change.

I have learnt to use that reasoning. A reasoning that doesn't pacify most people but is accepted anyway. A reasoning that covers all other reasons.

There's nothing I can do about it, but to learn to change myself. I have bigger things to worry. Like my life.


"Doesn't he realize how lucky he is..."

No, he wasn't lucky to have anything.

People don't live on luck alone.

People live on challenges. People don't care for what they have; they yearn for what they don't have.

That's how the 'me' world operates now.


*****

I can feel this thin line inside my head, holding up my mind.

And I can feel my mind expanding and a growing pressure against this line. I can feel the line breaking up.

I wonder how long more this line will hold up.

The thin line that separates sanity from the other side.