Spinning

Back in Singapore since 8 hours ago.

Leaving again in about another 8 hours' time.

The re-packing of the bigger luggage is only half-way done.

This feels a little sickening. A lot of other things do, actually.


*****

We had dinner together tonight, just before his flight and mine later in the wee hours of the morning.

It felt really good he was the first person I saw after days away.

I got homesick. I get homesickness easily these days - even while I'm back home, working on my desk.

And only he knows exactly what kind of homesickness I am talking about. It's the kind that probably only I feel. I don't think most other people feel homesick in this context.


If I had really felt good tonight, I suppose he wouldn't really have known.

I was just stoned out half the time.

I'm not sure, though, if he could tell I had a lot on my mind.

I'm not sure if he could see there were things I wanted to say but just didn't.

Half-fucked.


He had something to celebrate, yet something else that upset him a lot as well.

Either way, I hope my gift came in timely.


I wish I could tell him I totally understand, because I really do.

But I didn't.

I wanted to, but I cannot be sure where and what I stand for in his life now, and if saying intimate things like this would push things over the tip.


The two of us are like a spinning top. Both of us spinning in one direction - nowhere.

Forever confused, forever muddled. Forever spinning in the head.

A part of me still wishes that one day, we'll both keep spinning together and in the other direction - somewhere that we know will lead us to happiness, and to the days when we are grey and dying.

Another part fears any unintended move that might topple us over the tip - and stop spinning altogether.

The rest of me, just keeps questioning the other two parts.

I came to realize, much as I fear it, I am just as messed up, just as confused, just as unwilling as you are.


What you've lost now is your number one love and my number three love (the number two spot belongs to my girls).

I may not have understood. Or, so you may think.

Don't forget. I have once lost my number one love too.

So, I think I understand. And I know how booze becomes your friend when you lose your number one.


Some things, between the two of us, need not be said.

That fact that I remember, I care, I know and I understand.


I wish one day I would have the courage to ask you openly and honestly.

And on that very same day, you would have the same courage to answer me - openly and truthfully.

Let's not hurt each other anymore. After all, we've once been, to each other, the best of friends, and the one that the other loved the most.


One day?

It would come the day I get my headache. And you'd know what I'm talking about. That headache.

You know what I'd wish you would say.

But please. Just say what you really want to say.


*****

Of all the things I've been hearing from friends for months, finally I hear something that's moving my heart in a different direction.

"Tell him. If you are sure he's the one and if you still love him that much, just tell him. Don't fear, don't ever lose him."

Coming from a guy. And from the unlikeliest of my guy-friends. =)

Yes, I know.

The only reason why I'm fearful of letting go, is the fear that I may just let slip out of my own fingers the one that really matters to me most.

Till the day I am convinced I'm wrong, the fear dwells on.


Weather forecast in Portland: cold and dreary.

Ahhh... just befitting my mood now.