I Love You, Too

Ok. Story-telling time.

What better way is there to start a freezing morning than telling some silly jokes that tickle you and warm you up?

Get ready, folks.


*****

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this!!!)

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."


*****

A primary school teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for Primary 1. My sister is in Primary 3 and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in Primary 3 too!"

The teacher took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the Primary 1, and behave.

The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in. The conditions were explained, and Harry agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a Primary 1 student should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Harry can go to Primary 3."

The teacher said to the principal, "May I ask him some tougher questions?"

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two ?"
Harry: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, "Why does she ask such a question?!")
Harry: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, and it is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
(The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
(The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands."

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Who am I??"
Harry: "A Tent. "

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I??" (Principal was looking restless and a bit tensed.)
Harry: "A Wedding Ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good. What am I??"
Harry: "A Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I??"
Harry: "An Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put this ass in Primary 6! I got the last 10 questions all wrong myself."


****

(Ok, bear with me. One more to go.)

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you too."


*****

(Ok, I'm on a roll. Last one, I promise.)

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our son. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends shifted uncomfortably.

"Hmmmm, what a shame," one replied.

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."


*****

Funny?

Got laugh?

C'mon, admit it.