Topsy-Turvy

Tired. So so tired.

I didn't even want to touch anything toxic last night. I ended the night with only one beer. And a glass of red. And one sip of some Vodka Cranberry (I think).

Came home. Slept. Woke up before it hit noon. Brought my mom out to get her new phone. And I'm already exhausted.

There must be something boggling on my mind that contributes to my exhaustion too.

But I'm too tired to think about what it really is.

I just wanna sit here at the cafe and take a rest before I head for yet another exhausting basketball session again.


I was sitting at the dinner table, chatting with the girls, when I suddenly had a thought last night.

I think I'm some sort of an alpha-female. Which probably explains why people see me in a way I don't.

Smart. Confident. Assertive. Stubborn. Men I work with probably find me intimidating, women I work with probably think I'm bitchy.

Can't help it sometimes. I seek too much perfection, I have too many ideas. I don't like seeing things go awry.

I fear failure. I hate rejection. I take risks, but I assume success all too much.

Then again, I'm not the woman on top.

I don't like controlling people. I just want to influence circumstances as much as I can - all because I don't like to see things go wrong around me.

I don't always think I'm right. I just want to see things turn out right.

It's not about you, him, her. It's about me, me, me. It's always a personal challenge.


It probably takes an alpha-male to tame an alpha-female.

I am not sure if the last one I met was an alpha-male but I know I wasn't an alpha-female for sure in that particular partnership.

Which probably puzzles many people around me. The things I did, the way I was. Something totally unbelievable.

I puzzled myself too. How I could be two totally different persons at home and then at work.

I couldn't figure out what's right and what not. I could only attribute it to love.

When you are in love, you stop being just yourself and thinking only for yourself. You become part of a partnership and everything you do revolves around the lives of not just one, but two persons.

Which is nothing wrong. That's how a bonded couple should be.

You take 'ME' out of your life equation and put a 'WE' in place of it.

Except that there was a little problem that became bigger and bigger and we never knew about it.

We weren't married. And I shouldn't have thought we almost were nor assumed we were going to be anyway.

I should've opened my eyes a little wider and see things clearer, and not just the way I wanted to see.

There wasn't no partnership. It was only me in that relationship. I was living for us, but no one was living for me.

It's a little too late to learn that now. There is nothing I can do to salvage anything.

There's nothing to be salvaged anyway.

I only hope I learn my lesson well. If there would ever be any other chance for me to apply my learnings.

I don't think I want to be an alpha-female, nor do I want to meet an alpha-male.

I just want us to be equals.


See.

See for yourself how my thoughts run wild and free.

It's amazing how a simple dinner table topic can turn my world topsy-turvy in a moment of seconds.