R.I.P.

My party at Swisshotel was cut short this morning.

I had fallen asleep in the middle of a Korean show we were watching on DVD, after only a few beers and wine, and had woken up at 8 in the morning to see 22 missed calls on my silent phone.

(My phone is on silent - all thanks to my dad.)


My Ah Por has passed away.


*****

I had offered to come home immediately. But Mom calmly said, "No, take your time."

Anyhow, I got up, washed up, changed up and left Swisshotel. But now, I'm sitting at my cafe, with a cup of skinny latte. I think the rest of the day is going to be a mad rush, anyway.

Still, I'm hoping I could get some time off for my basketball in the evening.


We all seem so calm.

Can't be helped.

Ah Por hasn't really been in our lives, for the most part, until maybe a few years ago.


Mom has a pretty tough, dramatic life. Though not in the way my life has been.

Abandoned at 7 when her dad passed away and her mom (that's my Ah Por) left her at the girls' home to remarry, she's never had real education and she's learned to survive this world, and fend for her little brother, at an age where I was still playing with toys and watching cartoons on TV.

While I had the luxury of schooling and a doting mom who would do everything for me, my mom had to deal with horrible girls in the home and start earning a livelihood by the time she hit her early teens.

It's always been a good thing my mom picked up sewing and became a seamstress - because I think she's darn good at it. I'll always remember my non-branded pretty little dresses in my childhood days - they were all hand-sewn. With love.

When Ah Por left Mom at the home, she had practically left her on her own for the rest of her life.

Mom has been everything - seamstress, telephone-cleaner (yeah, sounds weird but it was an occupation then), house-maid, babysitter, domestic help.

Most of all, she has been The Mom. And now, I think the little man should be thankful to God he has her as a grandma. No other kid could've had it better.

See. My friends would never understand why I have to allow myself to be 'emotionally blackmailed' though I really wish I could move out and survive this world on my own - like a real adult should.

My mom needs me now. To be around. To know that as long as her little girl is not married, she's still being taken care of. I don't like that - but I also know how she is feeling.


It was only in recent years when Ah Por fell ill and my mom's half-siblings haven't really cared much for her (this is when I'd always say my favorite line: what goes around comes around) that she started looking up her 'original' kids, seeking forgiveness and companionship.

My mom didn't have to say this, but I know my Mom doesn't really love her mother, and has just been doing all she can to help her just because she's her mom.

My mom just isn't that hard-hearted enough to totally ignore the woman who has never really loved her own daughter.

That's my mom.

My mom is busy with her life now, but she does all she can to squeeze in a visit to the old folks home. Oh, and she would always buy some toiletries and good food whenever she visits. Even the roast chicken from the coffeeshop downstairs is delicacy to the old lady.

Mom has been speaking of Ah Por's deteriorating condition these days. She said Ah Por is getting worse. No one really wants to take care of her anymore and the old folks home may not be a long-term solution.

Then she said, it is better she goes soon.

And she said it so matter-of-factly - without a tinge of sadness.

It is so different from the way I felt when I had to let go of Tommy, and now when Lyn says she has to let Mac go soon.

I cried so much for Tommy, I feel like crying everytime I hear about Mac. But to a poor old lady all alone in the old folks home, I am all numb.

It is really funny how this world operates.


I grew up, knowing of Ah Por's existence but never really getting to know her.

She was never really around anyway during all the big-time family events - Chinese New Years, birthday dinners, curry gatherings, weddings.

I know this sounds lame, but I can't love my Ah Por. I don't hate her either, though I would feel more for my mom's plight than hers now.

And then, I'd always think: what goes around comes around. Without vengeance, though. Just matter-of-factly.


Don't human beings deserve a second chance in life?

Aren't they allowed to make mistakes?

Yes and yes.

But I suppose a third or fourth chance is different from a second one, and making mistakes is not a deadly sin until there is no admittance and repentance to the mistakes one has made.

We are all after all the same kind of human beings.

But most of all, when there is no love to speak of - the kind of big love I always believe in - everything in life crumbles.

It's just a matter of time.


We all seem calm. True.

And it makes me wonder, will anyone in this world cry when he has to make a decision whether to let me go?

Will anyone speak of me matter-of-factly when I'm dying?

Will anyone cry when I finally go?

The loneliness scares me more and more.


Ah Por, it's a shame I never really got to know you in this life.

If we're fated, we could have a second chance in the next one.

Till then, rest in peace.