Son

Life and death.

You can help one, but not the other.

Life can be helped. If everyone chooses not to procreate, life will not be created.

And if one is not sure that one is capable of sustaining life, then one shouldn't create it.

But once there is life, death is inevitable.

And so it goes, we should not fear death. It is the creation of life that we should fear.


I can't help this.

I've been thinking about life and death much too often these days.


*****

The family group at the funeral was pretty small. Many of the members are missing.

One is studying overseas, one is having exams, some are dead, and the rest of them which makes up the bulk are just... really missing in action. Gone. Poof. Vanished into thin air.

We never managed to locate them.

Some are Christians and refuse to partake in the rites and processions, sitting right at the back eating peanuts and playing their portable Playstation.

I am a believer of God, but God knows I'm just respecting the wishes of my Ah Por and my family members when I join in the rituals.

That said, just like how I'm respecting the traditions and wishes of the dead as a granddaughter, I really hope my own funeral will be carried out the way I want it to be when I die.

For that, I'm entrusting a few friends with the task of making sure I have it my way even when I'm already dead. Tell it to my kids and my grandkids. That those are the words of old Grand-Fatmama. To hell with all traditions and 'mian zi' shit. Grand-Fatmama wants to go to heaven in style.

But as dear Miss Tan puts it, "Can... provided I outlive you lah."

Haha. That's quite true. That's why I cannot just entrust one friend. Ha.


Looking at the small gathering of family members kneeling in front of the coffin as the nuns went about with their chants and prayers, I saw there were only three grandkids and one great-grandkid.

And then I looked at my mom.

She's already in her early sixties. Yes, my mom is pretty old by 'usual standards' of my generation (I usually get 'gasps' from friends when they learn of it). I used to be a little perturbed myself. I mean, in their generation, where got people get married and give birth only by age 32?! I thought that happens only now in my generation.

If my mom and dad had gotten married earlier like their peers did, perhaps I might even have a little brother or sister to dote on now. It's no fun being the only little sis to my brother. Sigh.

I looked at Mom sitting by the coffin (her knees are too weak to take the kneeling), and I thought, she's now 63 and if she were to live to the ripe old age of my Ah Por, she would have only exactly 20 more years to go.

And she's got only one grandkid now, and none other seems to be coming her way anytime soon. And to make matters a little more complicated, that one's a secret grandkid she can't even proudly show off.

And suddenly, right there kneeling in front of the coffin, I felt this obligatory duty as a daughter to complete the last part of her life - to give her the grandkids she's been pining for.

Mom has never once pressurized me to get married and give her grandkids, but I know she wants them.

All women wants kids, and then grandkids. Ok, maybe just most women do.

But then, I looked at myself and I thought, I would like kids too but I don't seem to see them coming my way anytime soon too.

In fact, I don't even see marriage coming my way anymore.

Which brought me back to my once-fantasy: to become a single mom.

To hell with men. You don't need men to feed and clothe you, and you sure as hell don't need men to raise a kid with you.

You just don't need men if they can't love you... and only you. You don't need men who don't want to go through life and grow old together with you.

Ok, maybe you need men for just that one crucial thing: to make that baby with you. Which becomes a big headache.

I never see anything wrong with being a single parent. In fact, I've always fantasized being a single mom because I crave the kind of special bond that exists in a single-parent family.

These days I start to wonder, perhaps I should stop fantasizing too much. Because fantasies sometimes seem to come true. For better, or sometimes for worse. Hmm...

Mom, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to screw around. I'm just thinking of a way to make your later life a little happier. Screw the son-in-law, dig the grandkid.


I accept death.

That's why I don't fear creating life.

I want to create a life out of my own flesh. Flesh and blood that I can call of my own.

In fact, I would like a son. So that I can teach this little man of mine all the values I have, all the good and bad the world offers, and all the love I know.

So that the world can see there can exist a good man in this world.