Pit

I am A-C-H-I-N-G all over. And groggy the whole of today.

A couple of knocks to my head. A jab on my arm. A big bruise on my thigh that's crippling me.

That's what I got from training last night.

And this is what you get from being old-er.


The reds came, and for once, I'm glad.

But why am I still feeling blue? Isn't it just a 'pre' thing?


I am going downhill. Down, down, down.

It seems like an endless pit.

I climbed so hard, but it gets so slippery along the way I fall even further down.

I wish you were able to seal this pit once and for all.

Simplexity

Aren't these cool?

"Simple in shape, yet complex in design".

These are faux, by the way.



But the man who designed these isn't.

He's so real, he's cool.

I want a piece of him... but is he going to be gay?

Basketball 'Pros'

Lifting this little piece of crap off from the www.singaporesport.com.sg > www.singaporebasketball.com.sg web site.


Basketball Article Reference Straits Times 2005

After years of being encircled by prostitutes, the Basketball Association of Singapore has finally moved to a new home.

The association had its headquarters at Geylang Lorong 10 - right smack in the middle of Singapore's red-light district - since 1996.

Every evening after six, the women of the night would stand outside the BAS' four-storey building, waiting for clients while the association conducted its coaching classes and meetings inside.

...


Methinks this is so "WTF-duh?!".

Everything

"So how's my fave sis doing?"

=)

I haven't been this happy nor touched by a phone message for a long, long time.

It almost made me cry.

Because it came from you, and because it came out of the blue, yet just at the right time.

Glad you asked, brother. 'Cos it seems I ain't doing so good these days.


"Is it ex-boyfriend related?"

"That, and work. And that's basically everything in my life now."

Well summed up.

Holidays

It's the holidays.

You can feel it in the air. The mood lingers everywhere you go.

The streets are getting crowded. Driving into town is becoming a nightmare.

People around me are going on trips, taking a break.

I wish I could too.

Unappreciated

I have a job that pays for my superficial life but is driving me insane.

I have friends who eat, drink, make merry with me but never quite understand my woes and desperation deep down.

I have a family who is mildly dysfunctional but has enough crises to deal with without me trying to move out.

I have two dogs who adore me but with whom I cannot afford to spend every moment.

I have a life to live but I don't know how to live it.


I used to think I had once a very blessed life.

I had a man who seemed to be the one made for me.

I had a job that I enjoyed.

I had friends to make merry with because I had no woes for them to share.

I had a family which seemed normal with only grandkids to make it whole.

I had kisses from two loving dogs to run home to every night.

I'm easily satisfied; I had no worries nor qualms about life then.

I felt nothing but pure bliss. I never knew happiness like I did then.

That seemed so long ago, but on hindsight, that was only as recent as eight months ago.


I feel so under-appreciated, if not totally unappreciated.

No one has made me feel blessed for being part of their lives.

If only my dogs could speak and take my woes away.


The work is getting terrible by the day, by the week.

I have never felt appreciated for all I've done in five years.

The only time I ever got heartfelt thanks was for making the show happen two weeks ago.

Maybe that's what I need.

Maybe I need someone to tell me they thank me for the things I've done and for making their lives more meaningful.

Maybe I've just been waking up at 7 for the wrong reasons every morning.

Maybe I've just wasted six years of my life on nothing.


I think my days here are numbered.

But I have no courage to throw in the towel; I don't know where else I could go.

For all the things that are going wrong in my life now, I'm feeling a growing sense of loss and desperation to make at least one thing right.

I'm losing grip of everything I used to have.

Is this even normal?


God, I'm not asking you to make anything right. I'm only asking you to make the week pass by quicker.

Topsy-Turvy

Tired. So so tired.

I didn't even want to touch anything toxic last night. I ended the night with only one beer. And a glass of red. And one sip of some Vodka Cranberry (I think).

Came home. Slept. Woke up before it hit noon. Brought my mom out to get her new phone. And I'm already exhausted.

There must be something boggling on my mind that contributes to my exhaustion too.

But I'm too tired to think about what it really is.

I just wanna sit here at the cafe and take a rest before I head for yet another exhausting basketball session again.


I was sitting at the dinner table, chatting with the girls, when I suddenly had a thought last night.

I think I'm some sort of an alpha-female. Which probably explains why people see me in a way I don't.

Smart. Confident. Assertive. Stubborn. Men I work with probably find me intimidating, women I work with probably think I'm bitchy.

Can't help it sometimes. I seek too much perfection, I have too many ideas. I don't like seeing things go awry.

I fear failure. I hate rejection. I take risks, but I assume success all too much.

Then again, I'm not the woman on top.

I don't like controlling people. I just want to influence circumstances as much as I can - all because I don't like to see things go wrong around me.

I don't always think I'm right. I just want to see things turn out right.

It's not about you, him, her. It's about me, me, me. It's always a personal challenge.


It probably takes an alpha-male to tame an alpha-female.

I am not sure if the last one I met was an alpha-male but I know I wasn't an alpha-female for sure in that particular partnership.

Which probably puzzles many people around me. The things I did, the way I was. Something totally unbelievable.

I puzzled myself too. How I could be two totally different persons at home and then at work.

I couldn't figure out what's right and what not. I could only attribute it to love.

When you are in love, you stop being just yourself and thinking only for yourself. You become part of a partnership and everything you do revolves around the lives of not just one, but two persons.

Which is nothing wrong. That's how a bonded couple should be.

You take 'ME' out of your life equation and put a 'WE' in place of it.

Except that there was a little problem that became bigger and bigger and we never knew about it.

We weren't married. And I shouldn't have thought we almost were nor assumed we were going to be anyway.

I should've opened my eyes a little wider and see things clearer, and not just the way I wanted to see.

There wasn't no partnership. It was only me in that relationship. I was living for us, but no one was living for me.

It's a little too late to learn that now. There is nothing I can do to salvage anything.

There's nothing to be salvaged anyway.

I only hope I learn my lesson well. If there would ever be any other chance for me to apply my learnings.

I don't think I want to be an alpha-female, nor do I want to meet an alpha-male.

I just want us to be equals.


See.

See for yourself how my thoughts run wild and free.

It's amazing how a simple dinner table topic can turn my world topsy-turvy in a moment of seconds.

Yo-yo

In just two weeks, I've been to karaoke thrice.

It used to be that I would go to karaoke only twice in three years. And for that matter, I didn't sing. Chinese songs were just not my cup of tea. I would go and laugh at friends who did the singing.

These days, I pick up the mike in the karaoke room. But my knowledge of songs is pretty much exhausted after only about... hmm, five songs. Yeah, it's still that bad. But way better than before.

Ha.


I woke up with a bad headache this morning.

I think it must have been the beer downed on an empty stomach.

And something not-very-nice happened last night too, and I didn't get to go home till almost 5 in the morning.

I woke up in time for a groggy lunch, and then spent the rest of the afternoon at the spa.

A badly-needed shoulder/neck massage and an impromptu facial massage. 3 hours worth of therapy for only a hundred bucks. Where to find?

The therapist says, I have too much lactic acid build-up in my shoulders, and with the spots popping up on my jawline, I must be pretty stressed up.

Yeah, if emotional stress counts.


Mom's phone broke down.

I think I'll forego my own plans of changing my phone to get a new one for her instead.

I don't want to resort to using unglam scotch-tape to hold the battery intact, but I hope I won't end up losing it.


Tonight.

Party plans in the brew.

An event taking place in Chinablack, on whose guest list I'm on, all thanks to my company.

Then the girls are heading to Atticca for '70s Boogie Night'.

Sounds nice, and I need to dance.

But then, I'm also feeling tired and a little blue. Let's see how it goes.


I hate this yo-yo feeling all the time. Up down, up down.

When will I finally be okay? Will I even ever be?


Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do.

Freddie

Hooray! =)

Freddie Mercury, here I come!

Never mind that I had to swallow a little pride, thicken my skin, face the wall and ask for the date.

It is only right. I like Queen, and so do you.

No regrets.

Nothing biggie's gonna happen. We're just gonna have a fun time, just like we did at 'Mamma Mia!'. I hope.


So that's one treat down in December.

I hope it's a nice prelude to my Christmas.

Warped

Yes, I know. Me and my warped ideas.

But hey, I'm not the only one around with such warped thinking. Talk with people around you - a deep heart-to-heart talk especially over beer - and you'll see everyone is warped in one way or another.

It's probably just that no one vocalizes their warped ideas as much as I do.

It's ok. Let me be the one to alleviate your inner fears of being alone in the 'Warped Creature' department.


*****

It's almost Christmas. Again.

I was alone and lonely last Christmas. I wonder how it would be like this year. It doesn't really have to be better, but I just hope it won't be any worse.


It's Christmas time. And out of no wish of mine, I'm going to be incurring a filthy sum of bills this month again. Sigh.

The Ford baby is due for the next servicing. And if I recall correctly, the servicing this time round is going to cost me a bomb because the baby is now a year old and lots of parts would need to be replaced.

Urgh. Like I said, if you can't sustain life, don't get a baby. Even if it's but a car.

My Piper baby has to go to the vet soon again. Her skin is not getting any better and in fact, it seems pinker these days. She scratches and licks herself more these days and I noticed a small lump on her eyelid last night. Totally freaked me out.

Then, there's her special food that I've finally placed a re-order for. I wonder why her special food runs out faster than the usual one. I hope it's just imagination.

The girls need their haircut too. The hair's not that long, but no way am I getting another ticking off from Miss Groomer. Mommy will just have to put off her own trip to Uncle Dean.

Of course, there are the Christmas gifts I have to get. This year, I'm going to scrutinize my list. Darn all those Christmas parties where a wrapped-up box is your entrance ticket.

This year, I'm saving my money and efforts for only the people I really love.

You know who you are.


Christmas.

This year, I'm trying to plan a few treats for myself in the days of December leading up to Christmas. A monthful of 'celebrations'. Perhaps that way, I get less hit by the loneliness during the holiday itself.

But most of all, this Christmas, perhaps I should be finding my way back Home. After all these years.

Rain

They say, that if it was raining on the day you were born, the sky would also be crying for you when you die.

For the past four days during Ah Por's funeral, it had been nothing but rain. Everyday, it would rain so hard, it was actually too chilly at night for a bath.

How 'convenient' the rain was, I thought, just when I had to run around places for errands. Especially so when I had the little man with me.

And then today, it seemed suddenly like we had a drought for weeks. It was so so hot, no one would believe we experienced nothing but bad rain just a day ago.

So it dawned upon me that the sky was indeed crying for Ah Por when she had reached the end of her journey.

But I suppose the theory remains unfounded because I would never know if it was raining on the day Ah Por was born.

Accept

I am really glad someone dear managed to come by the funeral on his way to work, even for a short while, and hop onto the bus to the crematorium at the very last minute while still in a sleepy stupor the next day.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. It meant a lot to me.


Though I'm still pining for someone, I've decided perhaps it's better I learn to accept that some things are not meant to be. Just like the way I'm accepting the eventuality of death.

Just like how someone would like me to know.

I may know but I may never really understand.

But maybe that's not important.

I am also beginning to accept that while I still yearn for great love - the kind that transcends everything else and lasts forever, I may never get it in my life. After you've been through what I've gone through, love is no longer such a simple matter.

Just like how life has its end, nothing is forever.

I don't believe it, but I suppose I just have to get it through my thick head and learn to accept it.

I am beginning to learn that some words cannot be trusted. It's perhaps better not to place too much faith on words.

Words are after all one of the cheapest commodities in this world.

It is better to see, and to touch, than to hear.


I am not sure if learning to accept will make my life better, but I've tried other methods that didn't work.

A friend offered kindly, the best way to get over someone is someone else.

Honey, thanks but that's not the way I'd go. Love is not transferable, just like how your country club membership isn't.


I believe I still love someone but I am also beginning to believe he will never be mine.

My life is slowly going up on the climb, I just want to reach the peak sooner.

I believe the stronger I am in sticking to my resolution to accept things, the sooner the pinings will go away - once and for all.

The love? I'm not so sure, but there will always be this special spot for you somewhere in my heart till the day I die, Sweetie.

Son

Life and death.

You can help one, but not the other.

Life can be helped. If everyone chooses not to procreate, life will not be created.

And if one is not sure that one is capable of sustaining life, then one shouldn't create it.

But once there is life, death is inevitable.

And so it goes, we should not fear death. It is the creation of life that we should fear.


I can't help this.

I've been thinking about life and death much too often these days.


*****

The family group at the funeral was pretty small. Many of the members are missing.

One is studying overseas, one is having exams, some are dead, and the rest of them which makes up the bulk are just... really missing in action. Gone. Poof. Vanished into thin air.

We never managed to locate them.

Some are Christians and refuse to partake in the rites and processions, sitting right at the back eating peanuts and playing their portable Playstation.

I am a believer of God, but God knows I'm just respecting the wishes of my Ah Por and my family members when I join in the rituals.

That said, just like how I'm respecting the traditions and wishes of the dead as a granddaughter, I really hope my own funeral will be carried out the way I want it to be when I die.

For that, I'm entrusting a few friends with the task of making sure I have it my way even when I'm already dead. Tell it to my kids and my grandkids. That those are the words of old Grand-Fatmama. To hell with all traditions and 'mian zi' shit. Grand-Fatmama wants to go to heaven in style.

But as dear Miss Tan puts it, "Can... provided I outlive you lah."

Haha. That's quite true. That's why I cannot just entrust one friend. Ha.


Looking at the small gathering of family members kneeling in front of the coffin as the nuns went about with their chants and prayers, I saw there were only three grandkids and one great-grandkid.

And then I looked at my mom.

She's already in her early sixties. Yes, my mom is pretty old by 'usual standards' of my generation (I usually get 'gasps' from friends when they learn of it). I used to be a little perturbed myself. I mean, in their generation, where got people get married and give birth only by age 32?! I thought that happens only now in my generation.

If my mom and dad had gotten married earlier like their peers did, perhaps I might even have a little brother or sister to dote on now. It's no fun being the only little sis to my brother. Sigh.

I looked at Mom sitting by the coffin (her knees are too weak to take the kneeling), and I thought, she's now 63 and if she were to live to the ripe old age of my Ah Por, she would have only exactly 20 more years to go.

And she's got only one grandkid now, and none other seems to be coming her way anytime soon. And to make matters a little more complicated, that one's a secret grandkid she can't even proudly show off.

And suddenly, right there kneeling in front of the coffin, I felt this obligatory duty as a daughter to complete the last part of her life - to give her the grandkids she's been pining for.

Mom has never once pressurized me to get married and give her grandkids, but I know she wants them.

All women wants kids, and then grandkids. Ok, maybe just most women do.

But then, I looked at myself and I thought, I would like kids too but I don't seem to see them coming my way anytime soon too.

In fact, I don't even see marriage coming my way anymore.

Which brought me back to my once-fantasy: to become a single mom.

To hell with men. You don't need men to feed and clothe you, and you sure as hell don't need men to raise a kid with you.

You just don't need men if they can't love you... and only you. You don't need men who don't want to go through life and grow old together with you.

Ok, maybe you need men for just that one crucial thing: to make that baby with you. Which becomes a big headache.

I never see anything wrong with being a single parent. In fact, I've always fantasized being a single mom because I crave the kind of special bond that exists in a single-parent family.

These days I start to wonder, perhaps I should stop fantasizing too much. Because fantasies sometimes seem to come true. For better, or sometimes for worse. Hmm...

Mom, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to screw around. I'm just thinking of a way to make your later life a little happier. Screw the son-in-law, dig the grandkid.


I accept death.

That's why I don't fear creating life.

I want to create a life out of my own flesh. Flesh and blood that I can call of my own.

In fact, I would like a son. So that I can teach this little man of mine all the values I have, all the good and bad the world offers, and all the love I know.

So that the world can see there can exist a good man in this world.

R.I.P. Mac

Mac passed away peacefully last night.

Even before his dad came home from NY. But his mommy is sure Mac has gone peacefully.


Mac, I think your mommy and daddy must be very sad right now. I know it. I've been there.

But you know what, Mac? You'll never be forgotten.

You'll forever be that number one son in your mommy's heart.

It takes some time, but soon, we all will know it's best for you to go back up to Heaven. Where there's no more suffering and pain. Where you can run all the fields you want, swim all the seas you wish, eat all the bones you love.

Watch over your mommy and daddy and your little brothers and all your future little human brothers and sisters, when you're up there, Mac.


I'm sorry Auntie Fatmama couldn't be there to see you in your last days.

I feel terribly bad.

But trust me, Mac, me and Piper (well, not so much Gracie cos she's known you only barely a year) will miss you.

You know something? Everytime I ask Piper "Where's Mac Mac?", she gets all excited and starts wagging her tail, stretching out her long neck, peering everywhere to look for her big bro - that's you.

Auntie Fatmama, Uncle Yix, Piper - all three of us will miss you.

Be good up there, like you were down here on earth, ok.




That's good ol' Mac, flanked by his two lil' brothers on his right and his two lil' sisters on his left.

Luff ya, Mac!

Luck

For someone like me who still has two-thirds of her compassionate leave to go, I'm up darn early this morning.

All for a very important phonecall at eight.

And I don't feel like I'm well-prepared for it. I can't really blame it on the family crisis I'm going through now either.

I'm just clueless about how I should prep myself for this.

Heck. It's been donkey years since I've had anything like this.

This is what you mean by staying in your comfort zone for too long. Far too long.

Come to think of it, no one - or least, those few who do know about this phonecall - has wished me any luck. Hey, you people!

So I'm just gonna wish meself some luck.

LUCK!

Of Villages and Parties

People I meet have been offering me their condolences.

No, don't get me wrong. I haven't been going around telling people my granny has passed away. But sometimes, there's just this need to explain situations. Urgh, I hate it.

Anyways, to these people, I have just been going, "Nah, don't worry about it. We are all ok."

And it's not a big fat lie.


The funeral has been a... erm, cheery occasion.

Not only has no one shed a tear, we are all cracking jokes with guffaws right in front of the coffin. My uncle is a real joker.

We all felt bad for a while - what would the next room of grieving folks think of this dysfunctional family?

Until Mom said, why shouldn't we be happy? Ah Por has led a good life for more than 80 years. She'd be happy to see us all happy together as a family.

Then the laughters started again.

And yes, dysfunctional we are indeed.

When the priest asked us for some names in the family for some prayer chants, we all went like, "Uh... don't know."

Ha.

My maternal family is just wrought with too many dramatic events. Mine included.

One day, when I have the inspiration, perhaps I should write a story or even a movie - a la those HK drama serials.

Now I know. Drama depicts real life.


*****

The words 'old folks home' always seem to bring with it some negative connotations.

Heartlessness. Lack of filial piety. Selfishness.

Sometimes it is true. But other times, I realize, some situations just can't be helped.


I have always had this majestic plan in my mind.

I have always imagined building an old folks village when I'm old.

See, this ain't no old folks dumping ground. This is a haven where old folks would want to stay - all on their own accord.

No nurses here to fuss over us. We take care of each other. And in fact, I think I'm going to do a screening interview for whoever wants to stay in the village. Yeah, you gotta fill in an application form and pray hard for your tests.

You pay a sum of money every month, very much like rent payment, and you get a 'single' room to stay. A neat little room with a bed. Right next to all other happy old folks.

No private bathrooms, because you'd never know when you're gonna slip and fall. But the common bathroom will be a luxury. Maybe a steam bath as well, though your skin would already have been too wrinkled by then.

Right outside the living quarters, there will be nice garden with a pond. If you've green hands, by all means, grow all the plants you want. If you're a fish person who's been dying to own a pond full of big fat fish, there you go.

Then, we will have cafes, bookshops, mahjong rooms, karaoke rooms - anything that entertains you, you have it right there in the village.

Maybe a mini-mart. And yes, of course a canteen. No old folk is going to have to do marketing and cook.

And one thing for sure, we will have a pub there, run in-house by the old folks, spinning all the songs we all love now (oldies by then) and serving all the beers and stout we like. Wine and hard liquor - yes, I'm not leaving them out.

Dancing will be very much encouraged.

Pets are allowed. And so are your little grandkids.

I'm not too sure about medical and dental services, though. I haven't thought real hard about that one.

Oh, and finally, if I could find the right location, I could even have a mini golf course at the village.

If I have that last one, I'm pretty sure my village will be overbooked. =)


Do all these sound a tad familiar to you?

If it does, you've probably stayed in a hostel before in your uni days - just like I did. =)


An old folks village.

The more I think of it, the more I see it coming true.

Perhaps that shall be my last dream to fulfill on this earth before I die.


*****

Just like how I'm imagining my own wedding, I've also been thinking and decided how I want my own funeral to be like.

No tears. Just lots of laughter.

Oh of course, please do cry when I'm on my death bed. That is, if anyone wants to.

But when all is done and I'm lying in my coffin, it'll be a whole different affair.

I want music. My favorite songs played throughout my funeral. Maybe I should start compiling them and burning them onto some CD.

And if people want to dance, please do. But no jam-and-hop ok. I think all my old lady pals will have too creaky bones to withstand that sort of music.

I want everyone to wear my favorite colors - green or blue. No blacks. Blacks are saved for wedding dinners.

I want people to feel free to bring their little kids and dogs. I don't know who my dog will be then, but I'm sure my dog will need some companions and condolences during my funeral too.

I don't want no chrysanthemum tea or groundnuts to be served during my funeral. Bring on the beer and the chicken wings!

And then, there will be this whole list of favorite stuff that I want to be thrown into my coffin. My little pillows, for sure. If they could hold up against the years, like I would have.

My favorite pictures of Tommy, Piper and Gracie. So that I could recognize and reunite with them up in heaven.

Ahhh...

Yes, this is how it will be.

It is my funeral. And if I want it to be a party, so it shall be. =)

Compassion

More thoughts clouding my mind as I was driving home.

And here's what I concluded.

With love comes compassion.

But compassion doesn't necessarily imply love.

It's just that simple.

It's just how Mom has been dealing with it all.


*****

"Ok take care. Wake where?"

Erm. I really don't know yet.

Ah Por has no more place on earth to call home.

R.I.P.

My party at Swisshotel was cut short this morning.

I had fallen asleep in the middle of a Korean show we were watching on DVD, after only a few beers and wine, and had woken up at 8 in the morning to see 22 missed calls on my silent phone.

(My phone is on silent - all thanks to my dad.)


My Ah Por has passed away.


*****

I had offered to come home immediately. But Mom calmly said, "No, take your time."

Anyhow, I got up, washed up, changed up and left Swisshotel. But now, I'm sitting at my cafe, with a cup of skinny latte. I think the rest of the day is going to be a mad rush, anyway.

Still, I'm hoping I could get some time off for my basketball in the evening.


We all seem so calm.

Can't be helped.

Ah Por hasn't really been in our lives, for the most part, until maybe a few years ago.


Mom has a pretty tough, dramatic life. Though not in the way my life has been.

Abandoned at 7 when her dad passed away and her mom (that's my Ah Por) left her at the girls' home to remarry, she's never had real education and she's learned to survive this world, and fend for her little brother, at an age where I was still playing with toys and watching cartoons on TV.

While I had the luxury of schooling and a doting mom who would do everything for me, my mom had to deal with horrible girls in the home and start earning a livelihood by the time she hit her early teens.

It's always been a good thing my mom picked up sewing and became a seamstress - because I think she's darn good at it. I'll always remember my non-branded pretty little dresses in my childhood days - they were all hand-sewn. With love.

When Ah Por left Mom at the home, she had practically left her on her own for the rest of her life.

Mom has been everything - seamstress, telephone-cleaner (yeah, sounds weird but it was an occupation then), house-maid, babysitter, domestic help.

Most of all, she has been The Mom. And now, I think the little man should be thankful to God he has her as a grandma. No other kid could've had it better.

See. My friends would never understand why I have to allow myself to be 'emotionally blackmailed' though I really wish I could move out and survive this world on my own - like a real adult should.

My mom needs me now. To be around. To know that as long as her little girl is not married, she's still being taken care of. I don't like that - but I also know how she is feeling.


It was only in recent years when Ah Por fell ill and my mom's half-siblings haven't really cared much for her (this is when I'd always say my favorite line: what goes around comes around) that she started looking up her 'original' kids, seeking forgiveness and companionship.

My mom didn't have to say this, but I know my Mom doesn't really love her mother, and has just been doing all she can to help her just because she's her mom.

My mom just isn't that hard-hearted enough to totally ignore the woman who has never really loved her own daughter.

That's my mom.

My mom is busy with her life now, but she does all she can to squeeze in a visit to the old folks home. Oh, and she would always buy some toiletries and good food whenever she visits. Even the roast chicken from the coffeeshop downstairs is delicacy to the old lady.

Mom has been speaking of Ah Por's deteriorating condition these days. She said Ah Por is getting worse. No one really wants to take care of her anymore and the old folks home may not be a long-term solution.

Then she said, it is better she goes soon.

And she said it so matter-of-factly - without a tinge of sadness.

It is so different from the way I felt when I had to let go of Tommy, and now when Lyn says she has to let Mac go soon.

I cried so much for Tommy, I feel like crying everytime I hear about Mac. But to a poor old lady all alone in the old folks home, I am all numb.

It is really funny how this world operates.


I grew up, knowing of Ah Por's existence but never really getting to know her.

She was never really around anyway during all the big-time family events - Chinese New Years, birthday dinners, curry gatherings, weddings.

I know this sounds lame, but I can't love my Ah Por. I don't hate her either, though I would feel more for my mom's plight than hers now.

And then, I'd always think: what goes around comes around. Without vengeance, though. Just matter-of-factly.


Don't human beings deserve a second chance in life?

Aren't they allowed to make mistakes?

Yes and yes.

But I suppose a third or fourth chance is different from a second one, and making mistakes is not a deadly sin until there is no admittance and repentance to the mistakes one has made.

We are all after all the same kind of human beings.

But most of all, when there is no love to speak of - the kind of big love I always believe in - everything in life crumbles.

It's just a matter of time.


We all seem calm. True.

And it makes me wonder, will anyone in this world cry when he has to make a decision whether to let me go?

Will anyone speak of me matter-of-factly when I'm dying?

Will anyone cry when I finally go?

The loneliness scares me more and more.


Ah Por, it's a shame I never really got to know you in this life.

If we're fated, we could have a second chance in the next one.

Till then, rest in peace.

Uncle Foul-Mouth

Mac didn't go to heaven today after all.

He's waiting for his dad to come home from NY.


*****

Today's the second day of shopping for the little man.

Much much more fruitful today.


Today is also the first time the little man met him.

He, whom I've been wondering if the little man should call 'Shu-shu' or 'Uncle', but who decided upon himself he should be called 'Kor-kor' instead.

No way man. As I've said, when I'm elevated to 'Gu-gu' status, no one else can be 'Kor-kor' or 'Jie-jie' lor.

And stop teaching the little one all those favorite words of yours lor! I'm the one who's gonna get the flak ok.


The shopping destination was Suntec today.

All because I needed to get the little man some baby Nikes. Finally. I'm getting those cute little things for myself, and not as birthday or Christmas presents. Ha.

The little man's outfit for dinner tonight has all been taken care of.

All thanks also to Uncle Foul-Mouth. The little one's gonna get to wear those cute little Osh Kosh B'gosh denim overalls.

OMG. I think he's gonna look a cutie-pie tonight.


It felt a little weird today, the three of us shopping together.

And I didn't quite intend it to be this way. The reason why I had to be buying clothes for the little one is just all too sudden.

I thought we would be spending time at the beach, or having lunch. That's all.

I just wanted the little one to meet him.

But then, after a while, I felt comfortable.

I've always known he can be trusted with kids (except for the part where he was trying to teach him some undesirable new words). Seeing the two of them enjoy each other so much, I didn't have much regret.

For a while, it felt so much... like a family.


What happened this afternoon, seemed to be an episode that was once written in my life but now has been erased.

It seemed to give me a taste of what could have been, but now will never be.

While I was happy the whole afternoon, I was also a little sad at the end of it.


Still, we both enjoyed ourselves.

Thank you for making the little man - and me - happy today.


*****

Time to stop thinking. And time to wake the little man from his nap.

We are running late for the dinner.


It's going to be another wild night.

After the dinner, I'm skipping over to the next party. A birthday celebration for one of my drinking chicks, which culminates in one of the rooms in Swisshotel.

Yeah, which means more drinks in the room into the wee hours of the morning.

Then, tennis and swimming tomorrow.

Oh, please. As if.

Pseudo-mom

I just received a devastating phonecall.

Mac is going to the vet tomorrow. For the inevitable.

I just suddenly feel like crying out loud here in Holland V.

I will be there for you tomorrow, babe.


*****

It's tiring being a mom.

Lunch took us almost two hours. Feeding is a slow and painful process. I have to cut up the food, wait for the food to cool, feed him piece by piece, coax him into eating when he keeps wanting to drink. Good thing this is a good kid. What if he were some monster?

Then there's the post-meal clean-up. Towelling him to remove the grime on his face... and hands. Yes, kids like puting their hands all over the table when they don't have to feed themselves. And then, checking on his pee/poo status. Finally, the diaper changing.

Shopping is a slow and sleepy activity - especially when we're out under the sun. Walking a kid with tired legs and wandering eyes is a totally different pace from walking my two crazy deprived dogs. No, correction: it felt like I was more like dragging him than walking him. It took us almost ten minutes to walk from the traffic junction at Taka to Borders.

Shopping is also a terror when I have to be rummaging through the racks and keeping an eye on him at the same time. Again, I'm thankful I don't have a monster for a nephew.

Shopping is also very physically exhausting when I have to lug a big bag full of extra clothes, bottles, milk powder, diapers and what not - and then carry the kid in my arms when he is too tired to walk on his own. Then as if this ain't tough enough, try maneuvering your way when the balloon he's holding keeps getting in your view too.

Driving is oddly slow and careful for me today. No sudden turns, just steady speeds. My left arm is perpetually placed upon his tiny body - to buffer any sudden jerks. And when he speaks, I have to turn to him to acknowledge. Good thing I'm a good driver.

I only have this to say after our little afternoon adventure: I'm pretty amazingly patient with the kid.

I thought I could stay out the entire afternoon before heading to dinner.

I couldn't. I had to put him back home in bed for his afternoon nap. Gu-gu needs a rest too.

It's tiring being a mom.

But I'm not complaining. =)

Sweetie

I can't quite remember how it feels to have a good deep sleep. The kind where I just get knocked out, past the morning sun, right till 3 in the afternoon.

I remember, the days when I would just lie in bed and fall asleep while he was watching football on TV, be totally clueless about the things I'd say while he was trying to tease me in my sleep, then wake up in the afternoon for late lunch/early dinner.

I haven't had a good sleep for months. To be more specific, perhaps since July.

My sleep has been disrupted by almost-true-to-life dreams and unsettling thoughts. The sleeping position is always all wrong. I wake up feeling more groggy than refreshed.

And worse of all, this is a nightly affair.

Bedtime, once most favored, has been replaced by boozetime.

I think I'm just hoping the booze helps me sleep better.


*****

I woke up this morning to find the little man right beside me.

He was already awake, smiling to himself, kicking his legs in the air. The good kid didn't even attempt to arouse me from my sleep. Such a sweet.

But then, I found out he had peed and pooed in his sleep, and despite the diapers, my bed was still a little soiled.

Not so sweet after all. Hmph.


A crazy morning.

I realized my cable/internet bills had been way overdue. My dad came into the room to give me crap.

I had to drag my ass all the way to the post office to get it paid, and then reactivate the stupid services.

Sigh.

My bills. Ever mounting. Never ending.


I have my day all planned out.

And I have the little man for company today.

A meeting-discussion at a friend's office. Then a lunch-date in town with a dear aunt.

Then shopping time. No, I shouldn't be shopping, but I need to get the little man some new clothes.

Maybe tea-time with a friend, if I have time.

After all has been done, time to head to CCK for the Hari Raya party. I am so craving for curries these days. =)


I feel so like a 'mom' today. Hmm.

A stay-at-home mom on a typical day - shopping and meeting friends in town. Isn't it nice to be able to find a rich man who can afford me such a life? Ha.

Oh.

Then again, moms don't plan to go out for partying after the kid has been put into bed, do they?

;P


*****

Hunny. Dear. Baby. Sweet.

The words of endearment I've been using on friends of late.

Anything.

Anything but Sweetie.

That one's not meant for anyone else.

I'm Back

Wow.

I didn't realize I hadn't written in two days. Too stressed... and tired, I suppose.

I had been so tired every night, working and then suppering, that I would fall asleep even before I could barely check my emails.


Oh yah. My show went really well.

A couple of minor hiccups here and there, but I think, for the amateurish efforts, it was great. Fantastic.

My dancers did a great job, in my opinion. Those poor kids, I forced them to perform Jazz. Ha. Just because I'm the director.

I am most pleased with my music selection for the show. You know how, like in the MTV Awards, there is always funky music in the interludes while people are getting on and off stage? Yeah, I hand-picked eight of these cool songs - a good mix of alternative, rock, pop, oldies and.. get this, classical. Smashing Pumpkins, Placebo, Cake - just so you get an idea.

I still have the disc I burnt. Ha, when I get too down some day, I'd listen to it to perk myself up.


I seem to have found a new calling in life.

"You're creative, full of ideas, unstructured. You'll never be able to sit in my role."

That was what my boss said to me. And I totally appreciate it - it's like I needed someone to verbalize what I've been thinking.

Yeah, maybe I should seriously try my hand at events. I've already asked a few friends to involve me in any special projects that might come their way.

After all, I've already thought of a name for my services: ME Inc.

And I have a theme song for myself too. =))


*****

The things that've been going on at home have been very strange, very weird indeed.

For once, last night, I was so freakin' tired, I so wanted to go home straight after basketball training.

But my mom called and said, "Don't come home so early tonight."

???

Seemed like a dramatic saga is being played out at home. It involves the little man, and some policemen last night as well.

I ended up dragging my feet to drinks, and then to supper. Yes, I had to drag myself to drink.

And I ended up sleeping at 3. Again.


I'm looking forward to the weekend - starting from tonight, in fact.

Drinks for today and tomorrow have already been planned for.

Friday, it's the annual Hari Raya makan time at colleague's place. This year, I might have a little date to bring along.

Weekend, I have to babysit. =) And I'm actually excited about it. The mom and dad will be away, and grandma has to babysit someone else. So who else but Gu-gu left to play with the little one? And I have already plans to bring the little one for some fun outside.

I so want to show him to someone. =)

Saturday, good chum Happyfish is getting hitched. And I kinda can't believe it, actually. Haha. Again, I'm planning to bring the little date along.

Hmm... my prankish mood is back. I'm just gonna trick some people into believing that's my love child. Ha.


Oh, and Friday? I'm taking the day off. To rejuvenate myself for the hard work - and sleepless nights - over the past few days.

Maybe I should plan for my long-awaited facial treatment, and pay a visit to the only man I trust with my hair.


Hee hee.

Broken

The stress level is mounting.

But the threshold is diminishing.

Coupled with the stress is a strange sense of sadness that has suddenly overwhelmed me again. I can't cope.

I'm the kind who works well under pressure. But I've never really had to work under emotional stress at the same time.

It kills.

I broke down today.

My eyes are dry. From the tiredness, and maybe from the crying as well.

Yup, I didn't know how, but the tears are back again. On the bed, at the dinner table, in the car.

I hate this. I hate the way I am. I hate my life.


God, are you there?

Murphy's Law

Fuck Murphy's Law.

My office laptop is not starting up.

There is still my script and the fucking slides - yet to be done.

What else worse can possibly happen?

Fuck you, Murphy (whoever you really are). Can you hear my heartbeat now?

Director

Despite the hectic deadlines and the stress, I am loving this. Running the show, that is.

Now I know what being a director feels like.

You feel so much in control. You get this immense satisfaction when you see your own ideas being played out on stage by others. You say what you want, and they have no choice but to work around it. You feel so... so shiok.

There are those few songs, in my library and in my mind, that I've always fantasized using for my own shows - if I were ever given an opportunity to stage one.

Strong, powerful songs that speak to me volumes and that would surely represent my ideas. I dream so much.

But dreams sometimes, if you're lucky enough, do come true. Thank God.


I was at the dance rehearsal this afternoon.

No, I'm not dancing. I'm not even choreographing. But I dictated the kind of dance I wanted.

And since my 'it' girl of the moment is Gwen, I told the dancers, "I would like to use 'Hollaback Girl'. Do you think you could work something around that?"

Could they say 'no'?

The other dance would turn out to be Jazz. But it is looking more 'Flashdance' to me.

I am liking it. I like it so much, I am toying with the idea of getting the dancers to wear something 'Flashdance' style for that segment.

Choreographer said to me, "That's a good idea, but unless the guys are gay, I think they are going to protest."

Quite true. Men in tights and leotards? Er... maybe not.


Along with the sense of control and achievement comes a whole lot of stress too.

The stress comes when I can't get hold of 'cheap' dancers and choreographers.

The stress comes when I realize I don't have a tech/stage crew and I have no one to work my lights.

The stress comes when I haven't finished my scripts.

The stress comes when I have done the slides.

There is indeed a whole lot more of stress.


And most of all, just like a true director, I am a perfectionist.

Well, at least, a near-perfectionist.

Which probably explains why I stay throughout the dance rehearsals, and why my scripts never get finished.

I'm never really satisfied with work-in-progress.


Being a director is sure tough.

Mercury Rising

Omigawd!

Queen is coming to town!



Mercury Rising is an award winning musical revue that salutes the King of Queen by performing familiar anthems such as "Barcelona", "It's Beautiful Day", "Under Pressure", "The World We Created", "Miracle", "I Want To Break Free", "Bohemian Rhapsody", "Born To Love You" and many more.

The show promises to be a sizzling and electrical revue with the adrenalin-pumped highs of a rock concert. Audiences will be guaranteed a rocking good time whether you're fans of the iconic man or not.

Starring red hot performers from South Africa -- Duncan Royce, Kate Normington, Crystal Tryon & Du Preez Strauss and Asia fabulous dancers Filomar Tariao and Jenette Baldono Anzalone, the show will also feature beautiful ballads and gems from Freddie Mercury's song-book of passionate lyrics about life and its mysteries.


I remember how much I enjoyed Mamamia through and through.

I gotta go watch this.

With, or without you.

ME Inc.

S-T-R-E-S-S-S-S-S-E-D.

There's a show next Monday - an 'awards' show à la the Oscars or the MTV awards. Yes, complete with the red carpet and the 'mock' paparazzi flash-lights.

And it's run almost solely by ME Inc.

I'm conceptualizing the whole show, throwing in raw ideas, planning the content, writing the entire script, doing up all the slides, deciding on the videos, pulling in all the dancers and choreography, putting together all the attire, dressing up the theaterette... what else?

Oh, planning the dinner - right down to the menu - as well.

I am brimming with ideas and excitement.

But my enthusiasm is getting dimmed by the fact that I have no time. For the script that everyone else in the cast is waiting for.

Die.

Ah. The things I resort to doing at work to perk myself up when everything else was getting boring for me.

The things I do for the company when we have no money to engage an events organizer - I become the events organizer.

ME Inc.

Hmm... I kinda like the sound of that.

I'm so stressed out now.

My eyes are drying up. My lips are cracking. My mind is racing haphardly. My head is getting an ache.

My brain is active while my body is tired. If you haven't been through this, this is pure torture.

I think I need a drink before I head home to work through the night.

Record

Woah. Record time.

Got back home from Adam's in just about five minutes. All thanks to the green lights along the way.

Was there for supper, a bottle of Tsing Tao and a great dreams-sharing session.

But I am still hungry now. Duh? =/

Better yet, go to zzz...

Cheese-pie

Ha ha!

I learned a new word today.

Learning new words is usually a good thing, but this one? I'm actually afraid of catching on to it.

"Cheese-pie".

I am beginning to like it more and more.

Sipeyjialat

Si pey jia lat #1.

I think the hairless bit on my back is now more than just that 6x4 cm patch.

Everytime I peel a ko yo patch off my back, I find all these fine strands of hair stuck on it.

Can't be my hair grew back so fast, right? So must be I'm becoming more and more hairless.

Eeew. What if it becomes visually obvious I have a bald patch on my back when I'm wearing my tanks? So unglam.


Si pey jia lat #2.

I was so looking forward to basketball training tonight, but I ended up staying in the office later than I expected. Until Coach actually called to say I needn't rush down anymore. Jia lat, right? =(

I had too much to do today, and too much distraction as well. I had to force myself to start - and finish up - on my resume because I didn't think it wiser to waste any more time procrastinating. I just have to send in my application for the job posting - before I start feeling any regret.

Now that there is no more basketball for me tonight, I am likely going to look for my alcoholic chicks. After I'm done with all this work. Si pey jia lat, right?


Si pey jia lat #3.

Flirting outrageously with an old pal I've recently bumped into and hooked up with again - who also claims we were old flames. How come I don't remember that fact?

Over msn, and then over the phone.

Tsk tsk tsk. Si pey jia lat.

Quickly go marry your long-time girlfriend lah. You damn jia lat.


Si pey jia lat #4.

I realize some guys think I'm so cool they can treat me like a buddy. Correction: like a brother. Damn jia lat.

I met up with Mr Hong Kong again last night. A late-night arrangement that actually materialized.

Apparently, Mr Hong Kong is also Mr Hong Kong-TV-Actor. That I actually didn't know of nor recognize because I don't quite watch any drama serials. I had the apparent cheek to ask, "So what do you do for a living?" In my lousy Cantonese, of course.

I should've known. What else can he be? Who else could be asking two girls sitting quiet by themselves in a pub if he could join in for a moment and then suddenly the whole TV crew pans their camera in and shines their light on the table?

My first TV exposure. And it's going to be shown on Hong Kong television. This one not very jia lat, I suppose. I just hope our 'scene' doesn't get cut. Hur hur.

Anyway, Mr Hong Kong and his cronies were all so tickled by a Singaporean girl that's me, they actually said, "Your personality is more like a boy than a girl."

Er... what's that supposed to mean? Tomboy, say tomboy lah. Si pey jia lat.

Anyway, guys, that's not a very nice thing to say to a girl you barely even know.

Damn si pey jia lat, you know.

阿牛

This is what I call good customer service.



I found this sign posted right outside Renaldo's the famous apple strudel store.

It reads:

"The CISCO is just 'TOO', 'OVER', 'EXTREMELY' & 'ABNORMALLY' hardworking along this road."

Wahaha.


I was at Bedok Corner for lunch. And that was where I saw 'his' stalls again.

Three of 'em now.

Business must've been good.

Wee Wee the...

Wee Wee the Fatmama is trying (hard... damn hard) to get her act back.


Wee Wee the Aunt has just bought some children's books from the Big Bookstore. And I've found out the Big Bookstore can be quite a treasury. Lots of interesting books for cheap. Just not a lot of stuff. Anyways, I've bought a couple of books to read to the little man. Richard Scarry and Noddy. Stories I'd never read myself when I was a kid. I was an Enid Blyton kid through and through, but that only happened when I learned how to read. I want to be a nice aunt that reads her nephew to his afternoon nap.

Wee Wee the Career-Woman-wannabe is 80%... ok, 70% sure she wants to apply for the job postings overseas. It's either Portland or HK. I prefer the former, but it's not up to me to decide. I am almost convinced I have nothing to live for here. Maybe my staying here will have more detrimental effect on someone than my going away. It doesn't matter what I do; it matters where I am. Just go, and then see what happens. And why only 70%? You should know.

Wee Wee the Lady-Boss-wannabe is also making plans for something else bigger once her corporate life is over and done with. I am so getting excited about it, but I cannot rush into it. I cannot leave my corporate life just yet. I need to build contacts. I need to do my groundwork. I need to travel to places. I'm giving myself 18 months. Ok, maybe 24 months, if that isn't too long. The overseas job is going to be a means to that end. After all, if I could earn US dollars, wouldn't that help a lot?

Wee Wee the Traveller wants to see the world. I made a new friend today. He's German and he's travelled to all continents except the Africas. There he was, asking me where in Asia I could recommend him, and I was so ashamed he's travelled more of Asia than I have. I want to go Hokkaido. I want to go Tahiti. I want to go Finland. I want to go Brazil. I want to go Bueno Aires, the Paris of South America - so my new friend says. There's just so much I want to see.

Wee Wee the Bankrupt is going to stop shopping. I need to save more money. I am so darned in my finances. I can't promise to quit drinking, so I can only try to stop shopping. No more shoes and bags and clothes... if I can help it.

Wee Wee the Nuahster has to start exercising more. Basketball just isn't enough. What happened to all the running? The cycling? The swimming? What happened to the desire to do yoga and play tennis? Why is the golf set collecting dust in the storeroom? Then again, golf is an expensive sport, so maybe I'll just rule that one out first. I should just start slow - and cheap. Run more and swim more. The girls could also do with more beach outings.

Wee Wee the Dancer... just needs to dance more! Haha.

Wee Wee the Dogmother is also having an itch to have another baby. But then, if I'm going away, it complicates matters. Still, the samaritan in me keeps telling me, "Save that pup... save that pup.."

Wee Wee the Woman. Don't know what she is doing in this world. Don't know why she is going to do all that she says she's going to do.

Whatever.

I just hope the above finds me some new meaning in life. With... or without you.

Timbies??

In my search for boots, I'm glad I didn't come across these.



Then again... they look quite cute, don't they?

Baby #3?

Should I?

Shouldn't I?



*a-hem*

Get a third baby, that is.

Bye Ah Ma, Bye Kor

I was having my usual cup of kopi-o at the coffeeshop near the office and sitting right in front of this trio of granny and her two grandkids this morning.

Granny said to grand-daughter who looked like a tiny 5-year-old, "Hurry up and finish your food. Your father will be here any minute to pick you up (for school)."

By the way, it was pretty incredible that grand-daughter and her elder brother, who must've been no more than 8 years old, were both drinking teh. Yes, teh - not Milo.

In a little while, Granny said, "Your father is here! Quick, have a few more sips of your drink."

Being the kay-poh that I am, I stretched my neck out a little, expecting to see a car driving up to the kerb-side. Instead, I saw a man in his late forties riding up in one of those traditional bicycles with a basket in front.

"Give me your bag. You go get a few more sips of your drink."

So. That's the father.

Little girl climbed up onto a tiny seat attached in front of father. And then father and daughter cycled off, with a chirpy "Bye Ah Ma, bye Kor" from the little girl.

I really didn't know what to make of this scene.

Strangely, I had mixed feelings - about what, I exactly don't know. But mostly I was just overwhelmed.

Still 1-0

So the Devils won.

And so they have redeemed themselves by crushing the Invincibles and everyone has even pardoned them for their recent follies.

Well, good for them.

But I betcha the Devillish boys will be out tonight, drinking and partying and celebrating their victory - and then fucking all the girls in town. And then, getting themselves into more trouble with the law and the papparazzi.

One win = More trouble.

It's tough being the manager of a football club full of overpaid and immature boys, isn't it?

1-0

Big game. Big night.

The Red Devils versus the Blues.

The Devils are surprisingly up 1-0 after just 31 minutes. An amazing header (read: fluke) by Fletcher. Huh?

Never mind. A goal is a goal is a goal. Whatever.

The men in red had better work their magic on the Blues tonight, just like they did on the Gunners last October.

Wake up. And then crush them.

Seven

I was waiting for the elevator at the void deck, when the door finally opened - and out scurried seven little old ladies.

And when I said 'little', I meant really tiny. Not one of them more than 1.5 meters tall, I'm sure.

I thought it was a very hilarious sight... isn't it?

Hur hur.

WahahaHaHA x2

A small bit of my back is now hairless - for about the size of a 6x4 cm Salonpas plaster.

All thanks to the ko yo patch I turned to in desperation for the sore in my neck/shoulder.

I had left it there on my shoulder overnight, and after 12 hours of stickiness, I am now a bit hairless. Good thing I wasn't very hairy to begin with - don't think anyone can tell.


Ok, time to stop writing.

Running a little late for basketball.

I haven't been in touch with the ball for a long while, all thanks to my whirlwind travels over the past month. But I have a competition coming up in December that I cannot, for my own personal reasons, miss.

I must, I must, I must improve my stamina and get my shooting back.

WahahaHaHA

WahahaHaHA.

I found my long-craved zhai bee hoon, the non-fried bee hoon version. Of all the places I've searched, it turned out to be right here in my own neighborhood.

No wonder 'they' say, sometimes the very thing you've been searching for your whole life lies right there in front of you. Has been for months, for years, for even the whole of your life. Just that you've never recognized it.

Whatever that may mean to me right now.


I have been trying to eat a little more heathfully these days.

Not for any weight-loss nor cholesterol-control reason.

In fact, not for any other reason than the fact that I'm already intoxicated enough by the alcohol I consume.

I figure, if I'm already drinking unhealthily, then I'd better make darn sure at least I eat healthily.

Bring on the fresh water and pile on the vegetables.

Imagine my joy this morning when I found undigested bits of veggies in my stool - at least I know I'm getting enough roughage.

WahahaHaHA.

I Know Him So Well

Don't know why but this song has been playing over and over in my mind since last night while I was driving home. It's still stuck there in my brain cells.

Part of my thinking process, I suppose.


I Know Him So Well
Originally recorded by Elaine Page & Barbara Dickson

Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting far too much for far too long
Looking back I could have played it differently
Won a few more moments, who can tell
But it took time to understand the man
Now at least I know I know him well

Wasn't it good? Oh so good
Wasn't he fine? Oh so fine
Isn't it madness he can't be mine?
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me
More security
He needs his fantasy and freedom
I know him so well

No one in your life is with you constantly
No one is completely on your side
And though I moved my world to be with him
Still the gap between us is too wide
Looking back I could have played it differently
(Looking back I could have played things some other way)
Learned about the man before I fell
(I was just a little careless maybe)
But I was ever so much younger then
(Much younger then)
Now at least I know I know him well

Wasn't it good? Oh so good
Wasn't he fine? Oh so fine
Isn't it madness he won't be mine?
Didn't I know how it would go
If I knew from the start
Why am I falling apart?

Wasn't it good?
Wasn't he fine?
Isn't it madness he won't be mine?
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me
More security
He needs his fantasy and freedom
I know him so well

It took time to understand him
I know him so well


Despite all that I've said, I still think I know him darn well.

Tick(le) Me

Devastating.

I found and caught a tick on me this morning. *Gasp*

None found on my girls, though.

How gross is that?

I heard one story long before - so long that I can't even recall the authenticity of that story - that someone got a new maid from Indonesia, and the day she arrived, she was found with ticks and lice all over her head.

Now, how gross is that??


Things in my life continue to revolve around HK.

Declined an invitation to the Duck Tour this morning. Or rather, I deliberately overslept this morning.

I mean, I may like speaking in Cantonese for fun. But to converse all the time? I am chickening out.

And, the thought of appearing on HK TV sounds exhilarating - but I can't really be sure if I may end up looking like a bimbo.

Think, better not.

For all I know, his name is not really 'Andrew' - just like mine isn't really 'Jane' either.


Speaking of names, Sasy and I think I should get myself an English name - just for gawddamn party-going sake.

My name is just too much of a mouthful.

Got meh?

I wonder if I should call myself 'Fatmama' officially. Or maybe 'Wee Wee'?


*****

All the things I still do for the two of you.

I can never understand why. Why can't I just be mean, and just say 'No'? Why am I still so determined in helping you out - when you needed my help, though I know it might never be appreciated?

For one, I went through so much emotional hassle to get the number, find means to explain the situation, act as a middle-party communicator - only to feel that it wasn't such a big deal for you after all.

For the other, I looked the entire South-East Asia for your boots, and even in HK. When all that failed, I engaged help from colleagues who were going to Portland. The quest has somewhat become a personal mission, and has taken me more than a month.

I wish I could get the boots, so I could see you again.

But then, I also wish I don't get your boots, because I know it's probably better we never meet again - just like how it could've been better if we had never bumped into each other.


*****

Piper is so kay-poh.

Downstair got noise only, she'll jump up the bed and rush to the window to 'take a look'.

Just like what she's doing right now.

This girl just tickles me.

Sorry, Gi

I know of a young couple. A young cutesy couple whom I've known together for almost three years.

The boy is only twenty-two. The girl is only all of twenty, going on twenty-one. I've known her for six years, since I've taught her math and science in her Sec Two days.

I know the girl adores me, like the big sister she never had. The boy probably adores me too, because I'm a fun enough adult for them to hang out together with.

What I didn't know was, the young couple adored the couple we used to be as well.

In fact, they held us up high in their respect and aspired their relationship to be just like ours. They wanted their love to be as long-lasting and strong as ours seemed to be.

The day she heard about us, she called him all the way from Melbourne immediately. They were so upset about us. And for us.

It made me sad too, when I heard that.

It made me sad that just when we were unwittingly inspiring someone else, we let their faith down too.


I don't know I am saying this, but I just feel a need to.

To Gi and your Hunny-Bunz, Wee Wee is sorry.

Some things are just out of my control.

Some things are maybe just not meant to be.

I can't fathom this myself as much as I'd like to explain it to you.

Keep yours tight and strong, no matter what happens in your ever-changing lives. And just a small little piece of advice from Wee Wee: don't wait too long to get married, just like we did.

And Wee Wee loves you guys too.

!@%*%^#@%!^

My fooking neck is killing me.

#*(&#^(*$&(%*!

I didn't get much winks last night - though I slept almost the entire day, and night.

There was just no one position where my head - and neck - could rest in peace.

Took sick leave today, but here I am - just got in at work. It was raining just so heavily this morning, I couldn't drive - because I cannot for the hell of me check my blindspots.

So duh.

Doctor said: "Good thing you didn't sprain both sides of your neck."

You don't tell me.

Gay

I have either twitched a nerve or pulled a muscle in my neck.

Whatever the heck it is, I am feeling indescribable pain again in that part of my body that holds up my head.

I vividly remember waking up and then twisting something in my neck while I was trying to get out of bed. How fucked up is that?

I read somewhere before that our head makes up a large portion of our entire body weight. I didn't know how true that was; I mean, how the heck am I supposed to measure the weight of my head?

But today, I am starting to believe it - without this pain in my neck, I would never know how much strain my neck goes through every single minute holding my head, even while I am lying in bed.


Last night was great fun I hadn't had in a long while. Eight nights in a row, my poor liver must be quite messed up now. But the weekend is almost here again. Darn.

I had a couple of beers with Ed before I jumped over to the next party. I always like talking to Ed. He says things that make some sense, but I've never really thought about before.

"Sports and this company is in you. You can never quit it."

"You have nothing to live for over there, but you have nothing here to live for either anyway. So just go."

"You need an older man."


The queue outside Zouk was C-R-A-Z-Y.

I was like, what are these people still queueing for? And by the way, aren't they supposed to be mugging for their exams?

I skipped the queue. I had Maggie Q with me.

The club was just crazy packed with Mambo-crazed kids - me inclusive. I danced like I hadn't had in a long long time. My love for dancing, which I thought I had lost for years, has returned. Beware.

Sought refuge up in the members' bar, thought we could grab a quiet drink up there - but I was disgusted to find that tiny place packed with all the gin na kias. Gawd, the sheer number of gin na kias irritates me just like the presence of kwai los in HK did.

Popped over to Velvet where the music was better, but the dance floor was so empty, I started to freeze and I had to stop to get a drink.

Lychee martini in Velvet is a must for me.


I saw him in Zouk.

And I wished I hadn't.

"Mebbe coffee later in the night?"

Yeah right. I should've known you'd never call.

Instead, I had to see you in Zouk.

You are such an idiot. Arsehole. Farking bastard.

No wonder I ever loved you.

"Why? What did I do?"

Nothing. You did nothing, precisely.

I just wish you don't get your farking boots.

Urgh.


My night didn't end at Zouk.

Maggie Q is such a riot. And quite a cutie.

"I think you can be gay." Haha, no one has ever told me that.

And then, I ended up in a gay pub.

Nothing happened, I just had a mild 'culture shock'. Ok, maybe I'm just really sua ku.

And no. "Maggie Q" is not gay.

Neither am I.

I think... ha.


It's Thursday night. And it's gonna be Friday tomorrow.

I'm sorry, Liver. I cannot promise you I won't drink anymore.

Maybe I'll detox you on Monday. Hiak.

Heong Kong Mui

My life as a 'heong kong mui' over the past weekend has been filled with quite some fun, a little bit of peace, and some bit of a guilt.

Moved out of the hotel on Saturday into gal-pal Mrs Sharkey's home at Wan Chai. Well, actually the home belongs to Mr Sharkey. But anyhow... it's theirs.

Mr & Mrs Sharkey share a nice, relatively big (by HK standards, at least) apartment on top of a small hill, that costs a whopping amount of rent. Gross, HK rentals they are. Well, the fact that I could sleep in the comfort of a guest room, right between the study and the master, tells you how big the apartment is.

Atop a small hill, the Royal Sharkeyness stay. To get to the streets, you gotta walk down a long flight of steps. Walking down is not a problem; walking up fucking is.



Spent the first part of the afternoon 'yum cha-ing' with Mrs Sharkey. Girl talk session - something rare with Mrs Sharkey, but I appreciated it. =)

After the luggage was dumped, I spent the rest of the evening at Causeway Bay, mostly on my own, while the Royal Sharkeyness went out on some dinner function.

I walked down the stairs and into the streets that led me to Causeway Bay. It was a sight. Almost pretty much like the HK scenes I am used to on television.



Where you find Filipinos, you will see basketball games like this. And Filipinos are practically in every corner of the world. And I found this a heartwarming sight. Something so close to my heart, so familiar to my eyes. =)


Man, did I tell you I hate the crowds in HK?



People are everywhere. They push, they bump, they crawl, they stop, and then they frustrate.


After a failed attempt to find my boots, I decided to search for the place I've intended to hunt down.



Not that tough a mission. =)

In here, cats are everywhere. Where you sit. And where you're supposed to eat off.



This Royal Catness seemed to be the highlight of the cafe. And it was sitting right on my table. I couldn't figure out how I would eat my noodles if it's sprawled right in front of me.



Fat Cat. That's what all the other customers, mostly giggly schoolgirls, called it.

The name brought a twitch to my heart. Was it fated Fat Cat had to jump right on top of my table the minute I sat down? Silly thoughts again.





Dinner of udon and clams cooked in sake soup was actually pretty decent. I'm coming back.




Met up with the Royal Sharkeyness again after dinner. How could I do without drinks?

My craving was satisfied in Feather Boa. A secret hang-out of the Sharkeys that you and I would never have known about. Simply because the pub looked so run-down on the outside... and there was no signboard at all.

It was so weird when Mr Sharkey suddenly whipped open the door and whisked me into the pub. I was like, Huh?



The place was beautiful in the warm red light.

The strawberry-chocolate daiquari and the chocolate martini were fantastic.

But the place was just too small and full of kwai los. Quite irritating.





That's Mr & Mrs Sharkey for you.


Sunday was spent looking for more boots.

Later in the afternoon, we took a MTR-mini-bus ride to Sai Kung. Other than alcohol, I crave seafood too.





It was pretty cool. You get to pick what you eat.

We went to the wrong restaurant, though - they cooked our prawns the wrong way. Or maybe, we just ordered the wrong dish.



The first time in my life that I saw horseshoe crabs. The name was weird, the looks were even weirder.


Words that amuse and confuse.





I couldn't argue with the last one, though.


Hong Kong was nice, being a heong kong mui was fun for a while.

Staying there could be a whole different story.

Gotta think about it more.


*****

Then, of course, there was that thing that happened.

Something I don't wish to forget, but I don't wish to think about too.

Let's just live and let live. Or, is it - live and let die?