Sleepless in Seattle

It's hard getting to sleep at all here, and I'm not usually one who has sleeping problems while on the travel. The room I'm bunking in (the computer room) is not air-conditioned, so it gets a little stuffy initially, but it turns cooler nearing pre-dawn hours. I sleep on a mattress on the floor; well, I'm ok with anything as long as I have a resting place. I ended up sleeping here, instead of the guest room on the ground level, because I couldn't detect the wireless connection at the ground level and I had to make room for Charles' parents anyway after one night. Well, I suppose the Internet is more important to me than the bed. And I have to get some work done anyway.

Last night was filled with tossing and turning in bed, no peace of mind as unsettling thoughts ran over and over in my mind, bad dreams that made me open my eyes with a startle, and most of all, a very strong urge to cry.

I get especially lonely in the night. I feel the loneliness too, when I am walking down the streets of downtown amidst hustle and bustle, and if I really wanted to, I could just stop in my tracks, throw down my bag and bawl right in front of everything. But it's easier out there, in the sunshine, to grit your teeth, furrow your brows and then just let it pass. Sometimes I think the eyes might turn out a little red-veined but I don't think anyone could've seen that through my Oakleys.

But in the night, when you have no one, no dog around you, the pain just seeps through your veins and cuts you up like a knife. You never realize your heart contains any mass until you feel its load burdening down inside of you. You can actually feel like your heart wants to cry; you'd never know how this feels till you get it. And you learn an important equation: that sadness lumped in your heart weighs much much more than happiness.

More questions came last night over the chicken rice dinner: "Mei, when is your turn?", "What is your boyfriend's name?", "Is he still in Australia or back in Singapore with you?", "You two should come to Vancouver for holiday."

I almost choked on the chicken.

I think I'll find my way to the Museum of Flight today. He said it would be nice and I should go visit.