Melancholy?

Melancholy: (a) an abnormal state attributed to an excess of black bile and characterized by irascibility or depression; (b) depression of spirits; a pensive mood.

I agree with most of the above, but overall I don't agree that I'm melancholic because I don't have anger inside of me, and I don't have bile brewing up inside my spleens (pr wherever the fuck it is).

Depression is a stage, I believe, most of us go through; it is just a matter of whether you are aware of it, or if you allow the knowledge of depression to take over your well-being. It is sometimes a matter of choice, but sometimes... you simply have no choice. Contradictory? No, it isn't and you'll never know it unless it happens to you.

I don't know which of the above applies to me, but I know depression is taking over me. I don't choose to think of things, but I can't help it when things keep floating in my mind. I don't reject food, but I can't help it when my stomach does. I try to laugh whenever I can, but I can't help it when the tears start flowing. I try to choose, but sometimes the choice is not mine.

I write, because I don't talk. And I write because it is my best way of offloading some burden in me, and not because I want the whole world to know I'm sad.

But if you do happen to know I'm sad, because of what I write, thank you for understanding and for knowing I don't talk.