Blank

Blank is the state of my mind, most of the times I'm awake these days. Absolutely unmotivated at work and in my daily life, I'm only always plotting big plans in my mind. No, plotting is a wrong description; it implies real plans and subsequent actions. Dreaming is more like me.

Had a 'farewell' dinner with a close friend from work, who's finally picking up the courage to quit after eight good years in the company. Most friends I know face an incomprehensible resistance to quitting. Some have not developed a dislike for their jobs, but are increasingly becoming bored at work finding no more challenge in their daily chores. Some simply hate what they have to do every single day. Some are just so comfortable in some aspects at their workplace - near home, trouble-less boss, easy job, satisfying pay, good friends - that they forego the other crappy ones. Some are just getting so disillusioned with a workplace becoming more bureaucratic, more political, yet they stay on, gradually turning into deprecating cynics, slowly hating their jobs and/or lives, and eventually losing sight of who they really are and what they really stand for.

In spite of all these, people do not choose to quit because surety is too comforting to let go of - sure knowledge of the present, and the future if things remain status quo, security of a steady financial income, and ability to simply know. But I think a bigger and more imperative reason is that people, like you and I, are unsure and to an extent, fearful, of the world beyond their current comfort zone. What am I going to do if I really quit? Will it better out there for sure? Can I find another job? Will it pay better? Will it be more crappy than the current crap I'm going through now? Will I be happier?

So, they end up taking weeks, months, and even years to 'decide' when to quit and where to move on to. And in the meantime, they gripe about work on a daily basis and bitch about everything from the boss to the water-dispenser.

I am one of 'em people. And it is not making me a nice person at all.

I can't remember when I started feeling dissatisfied with work and disillusioned with the corporate rat-hole, but I do remember there was once a time I felt proud telling everyone I loved my job when every other friend I met was experiencing the opposite. It was like I actually felt bad admitting it to my disgruntled friends. Life experiences probably had a role to play in changing my views about work. Work no longer means anything to me, other than paying my mounting bills, if it doesn't fulfill any of my values in life. To live is to love, not to work your ass off to pay your bills.

The place I work in thrives immensely on brand passion. As a true-blue brand-loyal employee, I could tell which new colleague would stay and which would not. I once had that kind of fiery passion. I would imagine the big things our brand could do, and would fight all obstacles and bureaucracy that came my way just so the brand would continue to be loved by consumers. But that passion has gradually waned off. I woke up one day when I realized our brand is nothing more than a big player in the new evil phenomenon of consumerism. At one point, I even harbored the thought that we were nothing more than 'cheats' who tell stories to get people to want to buy our stuff.

I didn't quite realize I have become a bitter person at work. And this fact hit me real hard during the dinner when my now-ex colleague commented he found me a serial mood-swinger, chummy at times but unapproachable at others. I am not that sort who aspires to be well-liked by the general public; I only need those few whom matter to me to understand me. But this comment made me realize my unhappiness at work has changed the better person I used to be; it has changed me. It has made me turn from cheerfulness and confidence to anger and bitterness. The underlying message was clear: I need to get out.

Events in my personal life made me also think of what I am doing and what I really want to do in my life. I have unfulfilled dreams and dissatisfied convictions. Neither is being satisfied by what I am doing everyday. I am a person full of big love (though it is really quite hard to tell) and when I think of the amount of love I have in me, I feel surges of energy inside me waiting to bound out. I feel like there's so much I want to do, and there's so much I am capable of contributing to the world. Spread the love around and help others.

Sounds noble, eh? Actually, all I really wanna do is to work with and around dogs. My dogs, especially.

Don't get me wrong. I still love the brand I'm working for now, and I wish it all the best in scaling greater heights and inspiring more folks out there, but I am just way out of the phase where I would sacrifice my own life, my own time working for it and where I would just eat, sleep, breathe the brand. I just feel I don't belong here no more. I need to find my rightful place in the world, and I just have a feeling it's outside of here. I just feel I would be happier doing other stuff more true to myself.

My ex-colleague-now-dear-friend said also that I'm someone who knows what she wants, and who stands up for what she believes in, and who acts it. Something not everyone is able to do. I am amazed honestly that such is perceived of me. And it spurs me on. Thank you, friend.

My mind is still a blank, because there are a couple of big life decisions waiting for me to be made. And the factors around it are perplexing. When will I know where my route lies? I don't know, but I'm not rushing. I just really need more zzz right now.