An Honest Post

There are some who claim that the world of ordinary experience is an illusion, and that the doors to the real world are opened by sacred drugs or practices of medication. People who claim to have seen the truth this way are usually dismissed as dope-heads or wackos; but they think it is we who are the fools, trapped as we are within the limited world of sense experience.

Why is it that when I first read this passage, I could almost immediately feel an inexplicable affinity toward 'them', the supposed wackos as defined?

Why is it that I almost always readily proclaim myself to be the crazy nut and that everyone else around me is the 'normal one'?

Why is it that I sometimes feel I really don't belong anywhere in this world?


I spoke once of 'homesickness'.

And it didn't happen because I was physically far away from the one and only apartment I've known my entire life.

It happened because I was physically and mostly emotionally far away from the one I used to love like he was the one. The one whom I actually thought I felt a real belonging to.

Homesickness is such a bittersweet sensation, you actually feel it churning right in your stomach. One that once warmed my heart, but now I don't wish to suffer no more.

I shouldn't belong to anywhere in this world. Most of all, I shouldn't feel like I belong to anyone.


But it is tough, I confess. It is tough having to be on your own all the time, it is tough not having anyone to belong to.

It is tough not having someone to love you, like you actually really feel entirely loved. Entirety to your core being.

I look at people around me all the time, and I wonder how some make it. I wonder how some of them could love themselves so much they don't seem to need anyone else. I suppose it is indeed possible - but only if you're built that way.

I don't think I am.

It seems a very rational answer I've thought of to my constant struggles with life.


So then. Because of the wacky nut I am, coupled with my seeming need for a constant companion who would love me in my entirety, I think I have it all figured out.

Perhaps that is why I seem to hurt some people around me. Why I seem to create 'unnecessary' trouble for the ones around me I actually love.

I suppose my passion for life in my own way is simply too intense, too imaginery, no one could comprehend, no one could cope with it.

To these ones I love, I am sorry, I really didn't mean any hurt.


I really think I ought to live on my own, in my own world. Just to save anyone else any unnecessary trouble.

I am not sorry about my existence nor about the way I think of life, I just think I need to learn to deal with it. And as much as I can try to, be as normal as everyone else. Especially when I am around everyone else.

Folks who in only all good intentions try to love and take care of me might give up. They might even regret ever having me in their lives. I will only be sorry that they had even wanted to try.


You and I, we really shouldn't even attempt to judge anyone, especially the ones we really love. Nor to form any expectations of what they should think, how they should feel, who they really should be.

Because not only would it bring you disappointment, it destroys the relationship.

Rationality is relative. The only difference between a conventionally sane person and an insane one, is the basis of their individual rationality.

You might think a human being who has done wrong deserves to die, while I believe that human being, like all others, really deserves a second chance.

You might believe a monster is not to be loved, simply because a monster is harmful.

I believe I will love a monster, simply because that monster deserves to be loved.


There is a new movie I would very much love to get my hands on.

It tells of a young girl who lives in a mental hospital because she believes she is a cyborg. She meets a young dude, also in the same mental hospital, who believes he is capable of stealing other people's souls.

It's an extraordinarily simple story about how two crazy nuts shut out by the rest of the world love each other passionately.

Because all they know is to love the person for who they really are.

Absolutely amazing, isn't it?


If you never try to see the world from another's point of view, let alone walk a mile in their bare feet, you are refusing to look beyond the walls of the small, comfortable world you have constructed for yourself.