Fear and Hope

Barely twenty-four hours after the initial jubilation, the fear has set in. Silly cow me... I really should've seen it coming, but still I didn't.

The fear of the unknown. The self-doubts. The what-ifs. The do-you-actually-know-what-the-fuck-you're-doing questions. I am getting afraid of me - again.

It's déjà vu. I know it best.

I feel exactly the same as I did, five months ago when I left the place I used to call my second home.


For all I know, I might feel lost. I might feel clueless... helpless even. I might even get so lonely I'd die (most likely from imbibing more alcohol than I ought to). The fact that I would be in an unfamiliar city infamous for her rude spit-ful people would definitely not be of much help.

Then again, I would never know, would I?

Five long months ago, the very minute I put the letter on ex-boss's desk, I started feeling lost. I did feel clueless, though not entirely helpless. I had already been lonely for a while.

But I got through all that.

And I got to where I am standing right now.

I love me for what I decided for myself five months ago. I love me for making the fateful decision to visit my brother Ed in Hong Kong. Without everything that happened in the past five months, especially that perpetually drunken yet ironically sobering HK trip, I would probably still be lost, clueless... and lonely.


I have a seemingly bright future, a brain-cell-killing challenge, a new exciting life, some awe-inspiring jaw-dropping event awaiting some thousands of miles away.

Thanks to some folks, and I think, most of all, to myself.

I would be a fucking big shame if I let anyone down. Most of all, Fatmama.


There are perhaps plenty things I need to settle before I go.

There's the room to pack up. Stuff to bring, stuff to dump, and stuff to return to its rightful owner.

There's the car I need to put into safe hands. I love it too much to see it go to wasteland.

There're my girls I have to entrust in 奶奶's hands, very probably second in line after the prince of a nephew. I need to show 'em where my doctor works, where their hairdresser operates.

There're my chicks I have to drink to death with every night before I go. I cannot tell them how much I am so gonna fuckin' miss them, I hope my drinking makes up for it.

There's the nephew I have to hug and kiss and hug and kiss every night and day, because I don't want him to miss me, and I don't fuckin' want him to ever forget about 姑姑. I think I might have to cook up some lame excuse, like 姑姑's going to some faraway place to buy Oliver.

There are new stuff I need/would like to get for myself. A (more) handy camera to capture my new life. An i-Sight (I got screwed for thinking about a brand new MacBook) through which the little prince and his two furry cousins can catch a good glimpse of me every now and then. All those books in Borders I've been dying to own in my bookcase. A tattoo on my lower back I've promised myself since... .

And then, there're the feelings I need to recollect for myself.

I hope I keep myself busy enough.


I am so glad to be going back to work.

Because I know many people out there would be too.

Thanks everyone, all of you. For keeping me company, for obliging my invitations to drink whenever dusk falls, for singing whenever I have an itch to, for continuing chatting with me on MSN at three fucking p.m. when you should be answering more important emails.

I love you guys. All of you. And for real.

Please go back to work. Go back to your normal life before I came in to disrupt it. Go back to what you're meant to do.

And to you, I hope you get your executive directorship. Really soon. :)


Life's hopefully not gonna be that bad.

I will bring 臭臭 along with me. I will have my books and DVDs. I always will have Jay with me all along the way from the airport to wherever I end up.

And most of all, I will have someone's love. :)