Relapse

It was an unexpected turn-up.

A pleasing one, though.

I can't figure what I am feeling now.

*****

It is getting to me. The loneliness.

A sense of frustration is creeping into me. Frustration with my life.

I hope the impending change will bring about more meaning, more happiness, less booze in my life.


I haven't admitted to this for a long while, but I miss having someone terribly.

Someone to hold hands with. Someone to hug. Someone to have dinner with and talk cock to every night. Someone to laze around with at home, doing nothing yet feeling totally blissful. Someone to watch all the silly movies with. Someone to travel the world with.

Someone I can call when I have frivolous things to rave about - like seeing an 'SFM743' at the same carpark.

Someone to talk about hopes and dreams.

Someone to feel inexplicably connected with - like another me in a totally different flesh.


Hugging my nephew, seeing Babemama breastfeed Baby Marcus, seeing how hubby cares for them, listening to friends talk about their kids.

It is all getting to me.

In my idealistic world, I would've been one of them by now.

But now, I am nowhere getting near that.


I used to frown at the idea of living a predictably boring life - just like any other young Singaporean couple. Bringing the kid to the pool, going out for dinner with Grandpa and Grandma, doing grocery shopping on a weekend, rushing home after work, giving up party time with friends. Eeew.

Now, I almost wish I had a predictably boring life. Hur.


I don't really want to end up with Hoe or Heine every night, but now they are my only constant companion.

I am getting so tired of this.

Yet I fear loneliness.


One day, hopefully, I will be one of them.

*****

So... what now?

First thing I have to do: figure out what exactly I am going to do when August comes.

Then, I am gonna get myself a new puppy.

And then, I am going to move out where I have enough space for three dogs.

Yeah - that sounds like some kind of a plan.