Almost, But Not

One of the best (and most underappreciated) things about being 'on-your-own' is that you get to do anything you like - anytime, anywhere. Without having to worry about affecting someone else's life, or ruining someone else's plans.

You wake up on a lazy day with absolutely nothing in mind, and then you start making impromptu plans and appointments.

"Hello?... Just woke... Er, now?... Where?... Ok, see you in half."

I am that easy these days.

Either that, or if you choose to be a bitch and ignore everyone's calls, you get to lie in bed till 6 in the evening and then you get up, shower, get changed, and hit the Hoes (or cheaper Heinekens these days).

I don't know if this is heaven, but at the moment, I don't think I have any problem with it.

The hardest time comes probably when you have no one for company just as you're dying for some.

Then again, this is also when it pays to be able to enjoy 'quiet lone time' - all by yourself. Preferably at a cafe by the beach.

*****

Saturday - I was part-bitch, part-easy.

Sunday - I was mostly easy.

That's a typical weekend for me these days.

*****

These days, I'm beginning to feel I don't need a boyfriend.

A boyfriend who rules half your life. Who demands to know where you are or what you're up to. Who screws you up when he acts like a jerk, but blows his head off when you try to act just half the same.

A boyfriend who expects but does not return yours.

A boyfriend who makes you wonder every other day if your life is safe in his hands.

A boyfriend who makes you think if he's gonna be good enough to be the father of your child.

A boyfriend who basically just drains your life away.


What I really need is just a constant companion.

Just someone who likes me for what I am and what I have. Who enjoys my company as much as I would enjoy his.

Someone who would always want to be around me because I mean as much fun as he means to me.

Someone who would like to meet me for lunch, for dinner, for drinks every single day but not necessarily bring me home.

Someone whom I can count on yet I won't fault when he fails.

Someone who would be as honest and open to me as I would be, like there's nothing in between us.

Someone who would tell me "you have beautiful eyes" one day, and "your skin is bad" the next - with no qualm.

Someone who would tell me to "fuck off" if he doesn't want me around that day, and who would say, "Ok, sure honey" if I tell him the exact same words - and there are no ill feelings whatsoever between us.

The hugs and the kisses would be nice, but those would be just bonuses. Nice to have, but not 'die die must have'.

It's almost like a boyfriend, but not.

There are no expectations. No dependence. And therefore, no hurt.

Just pure friendship and pure honest enjoyment of each other as what we are.

Wouldn't that be just so sweet?


Die. I think I am beginning also to understand why people become fuck buddies.

*****

"You have beautiful eyes, you know."

Not that I really think my eyes are gorgeous. And I don't react to compliments well either. I'm just not used to them.

It's just that... it really feels good to know someone appreciates you exactly for who you are, and what you have.


Thanks.