Best Ever

I think I had my best night ever in Bangkok this trip.

At least, I finally found someone in the group who would do all sorts of silly things together with me.

Like, walking around aimlessly. Taking a tuk-tuk ride. Devouring probably the best beef noodles ever in the world at the roadside stalls. Chugging down 40 baht Singhas at the same roadside stalls. Walking all the way from Patpong back to the Ascott.

This... is what I call 'fun'.

Thank you, 'Chigger'.


My kind o' wheels.


Jaywalking, yes. Sue me.


Cool. Like coming out of some Wong Kar Wai film.


I was a virgin on a tuk-tuk. Which explains the glee.


I wish I were a dog.


Finally.

Going home today.

Finally. =]

Resurfaced

Ahh... and now it reappears.

Gawd.

I love you, Blogger.

Missing Again

What the fuck happened to my sidebar content?!?!

Gawd! I'm so sick of this!

What am I now? Some web-page HTML troubleshooter?

Fuck Blogger.

Grown-up Hair

"Wow, your hair looks great, I like it! You're looking all so grown-up now."

Duh.

I've always been very grown-up, thank you very much.

Absolutely no doubt about that - I'm only a year away from 'it'.


The inevitable question came immediately after, and I had to answer it. With a smile, this time.

"Ah... that explains for the hair."

=) There you go.

Someone

"... someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly."

Somehow, I like this. I keep thinking about it.

Someone who will love me back with equal fire.

I know the kind of fire I'm capable of emitting.

Is it ever possible? To find someone who will love me back with the same kind of fire I emit?

Isn't it what scares people away?


I kinda miss someone.

Someone whom I've grown to like slowly.

And whom I hope will like me back with equal fire.

HomeChums-sick

I miss Singapore.

I actually miss Singapore, and my friends and home and all I do in Singapore.

The nightly drinking, that is. With my chums.

Those chums.


I can't believe this.

Window Shopper

I am not into those silly 'online love personality tests' these days.

For one, they are silly.

And then, I don't want to read the predictions that might spell out what I've been thinking of myself - while I've been trying the darnest to tell myself they aren't true.

Still tonight, upon some very mild goading from a dear sista (I was being so easy, man!), I succumbed.

*Sigh*

*****

The Window Shopper

Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper. (*wtf?!*)

You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come.

Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns.

Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.

*****

*Sigh*

Complain Queen

Wow.

It pays to 'give feedback', doesn't it?


I had bad room service tonight.

Bad. The waiter promised to call back after he would check if there was beef noodles on the menu tonight. And he didn't.

I knew it because I had to call back instead, and he actually remembered me. He remembered my room number.

There was no beef noodles tonight.

And then, after I had made an alternative order, he didn't ask if I had wanted any drinks to go along with my dinner. Nor did he tell me how much time I would expect before I got my dinner.

I don't mean to be bitchy... but aren't these all standard protocol? Gawd.

Dinner sucked, anyhow.


I went down to the bar for a quick pint immediately after my dinner.

I badly needed it.

And because I have a Singaporean accent, I got to know the Singaporean owner of the bar.

The next thing I knew, he was asking for my feedback on the service of his staff.

I recounted my experience tonight, and voila! I got a free pint on the house!

=]

*****

I am not supposed to, but I had three pints instead of the one I had planned on.

Fuck. Still got work to do.

Appetite-less

I'm not supposed to be, but I'm watching 'Big Fish' in the comfort of my cool, cool room at 4 in the p.m..

Ah, I am dreading the walk to the train station in the immense heat anyway.

But most of all, I love 'Big Fish'.

Movies like this, just like all dog movies, bring moisture to my eyes and a big lump to my throat.

How silly! Haha.

*****

I must be sick.

In a place like Bangkok, I'm complaining of having nothing to eat for lunch.

=/

Lost Again

It was an awful night.

Not tonight. The night I was invited to the Ice Cold party.

The night before I left for Manila.

Yes, the night before I missed that morning flight.


It's a chicken-or-egg thing.

Was it the overwhelming feelings that brought about the beer indulgence? Or, was it the other way round?

Either way, it is a vicious cycle. Isn't it?


Did I say too much that night?

Have I felt too much?

I don't even know what I'm really feeling anymore. The visions in my head, all the events in the recent weeks, blur me.

What's sad is that some things, while I'm glad I said them, cannot be taken back.

What's even sadder? That I might have lost you. Even as a friend.


The clock ticks.

And the deadline draws nigh.

Lonely Sunday

It's almost midnight here in Bangkok.

And the streets are amazingly still packed with cars, cars, and more cars.

It's Sunday night! Don't these Thai folks need to work tomorrow?

The trains are empty, though.

Darn. They weren't earlier in the afternoon when I was scrambling to squeeze into them.


And how would I know all these when I've been nicely staying in bed the whole night?

All thanks to the glorious view from the balcony of my seventh-floor apartment at the Ascott.

Gawd, I love this place.


I love my 'room'.

Cosy bathroom with a connecting window to the bedroom.

Big bed with fresh white sheets and fat white pillows. With the boob tube right in my face.

No one to stop me from watching football the whole night.

The only thing missing is the bottle.

For a while, I think I might like this, and I really want it - a place of my own. My very own.


By the way, I have no pyjamas for the past few nights... and for the next few more to come.

Go figure.

Hiak. =]

*****

Just only a few days away from home, and I'm already missing the driving.

(Thanks in part to my Thai 'best friend' who's been ferrying me around today in her bloody brand new Ford Focus. Darn!)

Tell me how I'm gonna survive HK.

Happy Fries

It's a universal thing. Staring is.

You drive up to a car in front at 90 kilometers per hour on a highway, and the bloke just suddenly slows down to a 60, forcing you to jam a little on the brakes.

And when you finally get a chance to swerve out to the right to overtake the car, you turn your head over to your left - and stare at the bloke, before stepping on the gas pedal.

I know. I got such stares before while driving in Portland.

And my cab driver did just that today.


I'm in Bangkok now, by the way - after a whirlwind visit to Manila.

And all the zooming around is making me worn out. And a little lonely.

I think I'm going to get more exhausted after my one-week stay here.


I thought I could stay 'clean' and save some money this week.

I just did a foot massage, topped off with a good ol' pint of Heine.

I can almost foresee what's coming up the next few nights.


I love the Ascott.

I love this bed.

*****

I'm not sure about you, but I have this thing I call 'happy fries' that I turn to when I'm blue.

And they are everywhere - just look for the fast-food joint with that big yellow 'M'.

French fries to most, happy fries to me.

They make me happy, especially when they are brown, crisp and piping hot.


The thing about having happy fries in your life is that when they don't turn out the way they're supposed to be, or rather the way you're hoping them to be, they make you upset instead.

Which would be really bad. Like it was for me yesterday.

It always is, when the thing you look most forward to to make you happy fails you instead.

Life sucks. Especially when the fries suck.

Something About 'The Black Shirt'

I like this song, and the video looks cool.

Though I have no idea how the music video connects to the song title. No one's wearing a black shirt?

I like happy Brazilian and Spanish songs that make me wanna groove... just like this.

Maybe

Ah. Maybe it's good that my template had been wiped out.

I had been meaning to 'change my look' anyway. Just that I was too lazy, and unmotivated, to get down to doing anything.

Well, at least I managed to get rid of my feet - just before the blog went down.

So. Perhaps it's time for me to get a new look. I have not much of a choice anyway, so it seems.

Still lazy. And I'm back to the same ol' "blue-and-polkadot" look. The others are too fugly.

I like blue. And I like polkadots anyway. So, SLM, you can stop complaining.

It's my blog. Ha.

Degenerative

I am so fucked up this trip.

I forgot:

1 - my pyjamas,
2 - my toothbrush,
3 - my contact lens solution.

And the worst of all, I missed my morning flight.

'Nuff said.

Missed Me?

AaaaaaHHHhhhhhh!

I'm back!

Constipation relief.

Don't ask me what happened. Somehow my template got erased.

Thank God, it wasn't the entire blog that was.


And by the way, I've been as fucked as fucked can be.

Laters. I'm exhausted.

From everything.

Feet-less

I'm getting a little sick of my feet.

And so I'm removing them. Most of them, anyway.

Sigh.

Pre-sloshed

Proof I was at the Sevens. =]



Thanks, Hann-y.

Heartdead

I'm a do-or-die person. To an extent.

I believe in taking risks. Mostly calculated ones.

But then, when do you stop? When do you forge on?


I never like planning my life ahead, nor would I ever want to know what I am supposed to do or where I am supposed to land.

Live for the moment. That's when life becomes fun, isn't it?

If you're happy, go on with it... till you become dissatisfied.

And when you're unhappy, find out why and then start thinking of the alternatives.

Why worry?

Don't make plans, because when plans fail, you feel like a failure.


I think I've lived a large part of my life this way.

Is it good? Is it bad? To each, his own - I suppose.

I thought I was fine.

These days, I wonder if I should've been fine with it.


I've never wanted to know my future, but these days, I wish I had a crystal ball I could look into.

Just so I can find a reason to go on.

Mabo'd

Someone asked: "You go-kart?"

"No. Never tried."

"Never?"

"Yah."

"Ok, next time I go with my friends, you come along. You should go-kart."

"Why leh?"

"Because the way you drive, you can go-kart well."

It's either a compliment or an insult.

I'd rather go for the former. =)

*****

I broke my streak yesterday.

Thank you. The long drive sure was worth it. =)


Still, I am sloshed tonight.

The Sevens was a blast.

"I dunno how much beer I was fed man."

What happened after... was a bigger blast.

I hadn't laughed this hard, nor this much, for a long, long time.

Thank you, once again. =)

Oblivious

"... You just have to tear down that wall and let someone in..."


Sometimes I really don't know what you're trying to tell me, or if you're trying to tell me something.

And yes, I can be oblivious to 'signs' at times.

Thing is, I just don't want to assume, and I don't want to guess anymore.

We seem to be great companions now... and I should just leave it as it is.

Red-eyed

It was a bad day at work, that turned out happier in the nightfall.

"... I can see why you used to be with 'Max'."

"... you guys still have that 'moqi'... it's like nothing has ever changed."

Urgh.

For once in a long, long while, I couldn't rein my tears in, and I started crying at my desk.

I have no qualm telling the whole world - cos the whole world probably knows by now.


But I'm ok now. =)

It was just a moment. A moment I'll have to learn to deal with, probably for some time to come.

*****

I have an unexpectedly packed weekend.

All because I forgot this is the Sevens weekend - and I got my free tickets after all! =]

Think I'd really have to forego 'helping' you at your 'workplace' this evening, my friend.

And I think I'd really have to skip the beach tomorrow as well.

Sorry, girls. Mommy was really planning to make it a weekly outing... trust me!

*****

I played a prank on a friend. A very harmless one, I suppose.

I was good fun to one, and probably quite mean to the other.

I think if there's any Academy award for real-life pranksters, I might stand a chance.

Sorry, friend. I was under 'bad' influence, and... I just had to find out if it was true after all.

My conclusion?

I don't really wanna conclude.

Prick, Arsehole, Idiot, Bastard...

You jerk,
You jerk,
You are such a jerk,
There are other words,
But they just don't work.

I'm so on fire.

My stomach is.

Lost Count

"I know u one..."

You think so? You keep saying that.

Now I'm starting to wonder.

*****

I've stopped counting. It's pointless.

But I know I'll stop one day - eventually.

When I don't know, but surely when I want to.

*****

I really miss times like this.

Playing ball with you.


By the way... this is an early night for me. =]

Drunken Pool Master

"Love u sweetie. please live well n be happy, alright."

Alright. :'/

*****

I play amazing pool - pool that amazes myself - at times.

At certain times, usually when I'm a little high. When I'm sober, I suck.

Can't really figure it out, except perhaps because you don't stop and think too much and shift the cue left right left right.

Just aim and whack.


I suppose it happens in everything you do - not just in pool. =/

*****

I have a game tonight.

And I am so very looking forward to it. For various reasons.

No running away tonight, for sure.


Hope you'll have fun too. =]

Liver Pills

Argh. Maybe it's a bad idea, after all.

Trialing a new name that goes 'Kanina'.

Everyone's thinking I'm cracked up or something... judging on my MSN nick. I get messages that ask what's up my ass.

C'mon, people. Where has all your good humor gone to?


I used to have a teacher whom we called Mr Nah at my former junior college, which I shall just leave unnamed.

The boys in my school started christening him 'Kenny'.

Kenny Nah.

Get it?

I thought he was pathetic. I'd never have thought I'd end up worse. Ha.

*****

I have a bunch of very good friends whom we collectively call the LOHAMs.

So good are they, I actually avoided hanging out with them because I feared they would start berating me for the nights I've been keeping these days. I just didn't want no nagging.

True to my suspicion, they talked about me while I wasn't around.

But I like it.

Instead of a lecture, I received a sweet advice: get some liver pills while you're at it.

It's like not telling me not to have casual sex, but rather, telling me to use contraceptives while I'm at it.

=] So sweet, right?

Not the casual sex part. The eat-some-liver-pills-while-you're-boozing part.


And today, I found out they were talking more than just the liver pills.

They have collectively agreed I should seek some counselling.

SLM: We think you should seek some counselling.

Me: Er... not the religious kind, ok.

SLM: No, the IMH kind.

Me: IMH? Institute of Mental Health?

...

Me: Woodbridge??

Me: Siao keng???

*Wah lau!*

...

Me: To be siao is one thing. To be sad is another. To be sad + siao is...

SLM: To go IMH lor.

Sigh... I cannot believe this.

But thank God. Finally, people around me are believing I am nuts. =/

*****

I wish you well. Sincerely.

I am just a bypasser.

KNN Lee

My unteacher-like teacher-friend sent me a message the other day which started off: "Kanina... fuckin p*****..."

It threw me off, and left me laughing - for no real sane reason, actually.

Nobody spells out "ka-ni-na" in full lor. Everyone just goes "knn".

For a moment, I thought the word looked 'pleasing to the eye' and I thought 'Kanina' kinda makes a nice pretty name. Doesn't it?

And so, I am going for a trial name - 'Kanina'.

Of course, pronounced with the right English intonation and the proper emphasis on the syllabic components.

'Ka-nee-na'.

Kanina Lee. My initials shall therefore be KNN Lee.

Cool, yah? Just befitting for my deceitful ah-lian inclination.

Be forewarned, though: if you try to be funny and walk up to me calling my new name in your ah-beng Hokkien twang, be sure I'll give you one good slap lor.

Bad

Ah... Low-fat no-MSG instant noodles.

What better way to end a nightly affair with booze than downing a bowl of low-fat no-MSG instant noodles?

And... it actually tastes pretty good.

Not that I'm complaining of being fat or anything, but it sure does take away a little bit of the guilt from the trips I've been making every night.


"You don't work Saturdays and Sundays?"

"No?"

"So... you'll be free this Saturday?"

"Yeah?... Why? You have a job for me?"

"Well... something like that. Let me check my schedule for Saturday first... You're ok staying under the sun, yah?"

"Yeah of course."

"What time do you wake?"

"Er... what time do you want me to wake on a Saturday?"

"Either in the morning or 4 in the afternoon."

"Er... ok..."

"By the way, you won't be paid yah."

I think I may be going for a wakeboarding session this Saturday. Courtesy of my newfound friend.

=)


I think also I should look into some volunteer work.

While I'm still around.

*****

I haven't been a good girl.

Not good at all. Worse of all, I enjoyed it.


It really is bothering me. A lot.

The fact that you are still appearing in my dreams every single night - even though I have put you out of my daytime thoughts and replaced you with others.

酒窝

After a chat over *what-else*, Skyboy made a near-certain punter-prediction: "I say you will go Hong Kong." And a smile.

I returned a laughter: "I'll let you know your answer soon."

I kinda missed you, Skyboy - though sometimes I think you're weird and you probably think the same of me too.

And I sure will miss you more if I ever do make it to HK. Friends like you. Familiar faces like yours.

*****

Made another impromptu plan for today: a visit to the dentist.

A new dentist as well, that I can hang out for drinks with after.

"Put me on the last slot so we can just go downstair for drinks after that." Ha.

*****

"Ur so skinny... Soon we can use u for a kite."

I laughed like mad.

Not anymore though. I now have a "酒窝" - literally - housed right in my tummy. =)

"One Die, All Die"

And I thought I was one of the few naughty rebellious ones in the office, still secretly using some 'banned' instant messaging program called 'M-S-N'.

Until the day I found out the disgusting truth. And it was just last Thursday.

So, no. I'm not one of the 'few'.

And I'm neither naughty nor rebellious. I'm just normal.

Yes, I am.

Phew.

Of Beach and Bitches

I just woke up this morning, and decided to bring the girls to the beach.

We hadn't done that family outing thing together for a long, long time. Just Piper, Gracie and Mommy.



Much as I love bringing the girls for a swim, I fear everytime I step into the water with them.

What if... ? Mommy's not a strong swimmer. She has no lifesaving skill for herself, let alone that for others.

I can only cross my fingers and pray there's always some good samaritan around us when we swim.


This, is also one good reason why I so long for a constant companion.

"Hello?... Eh, go to the beach leh... Now!... Ok, see you in half."

Sounds good, doesn't it?





I love my Piper baby to bits.

Almost, But Not

One of the best (and most underappreciated) things about being 'on-your-own' is that you get to do anything you like - anytime, anywhere. Without having to worry about affecting someone else's life, or ruining someone else's plans.

You wake up on a lazy day with absolutely nothing in mind, and then you start making impromptu plans and appointments.

"Hello?... Just woke... Er, now?... Where?... Ok, see you in half."

I am that easy these days.

Either that, or if you choose to be a bitch and ignore everyone's calls, you get to lie in bed till 6 in the evening and then you get up, shower, get changed, and hit the Hoes (or cheaper Heinekens these days).

I don't know if this is heaven, but at the moment, I don't think I have any problem with it.

The hardest time comes probably when you have no one for company just as you're dying for some.

Then again, this is also when it pays to be able to enjoy 'quiet lone time' - all by yourself. Preferably at a cafe by the beach.

*****

Saturday - I was part-bitch, part-easy.

Sunday - I was mostly easy.

That's a typical weekend for me these days.

*****

These days, I'm beginning to feel I don't need a boyfriend.

A boyfriend who rules half your life. Who demands to know where you are or what you're up to. Who screws you up when he acts like a jerk, but blows his head off when you try to act just half the same.

A boyfriend who expects but does not return yours.

A boyfriend who makes you wonder every other day if your life is safe in his hands.

A boyfriend who makes you think if he's gonna be good enough to be the father of your child.

A boyfriend who basically just drains your life away.


What I really need is just a constant companion.

Just someone who likes me for what I am and what I have. Who enjoys my company as much as I would enjoy his.

Someone who would always want to be around me because I mean as much fun as he means to me.

Someone who would like to meet me for lunch, for dinner, for drinks every single day but not necessarily bring me home.

Someone whom I can count on yet I won't fault when he fails.

Someone who would be as honest and open to me as I would be, like there's nothing in between us.

Someone who would tell me "you have beautiful eyes" one day, and "your skin is bad" the next - with no qualm.

Someone who would tell me to "fuck off" if he doesn't want me around that day, and who would say, "Ok, sure honey" if I tell him the exact same words - and there are no ill feelings whatsoever between us.

The hugs and the kisses would be nice, but those would be just bonuses. Nice to have, but not 'die die must have'.

It's almost like a boyfriend, but not.

There are no expectations. No dependence. And therefore, no hurt.

Just pure friendship and pure honest enjoyment of each other as what we are.

Wouldn't that be just so sweet?


Die. I think I am beginning also to understand why people become fuck buddies.

*****

"You have beautiful eyes, you know."

Not that I really think my eyes are gorgeous. And I don't react to compliments well either. I'm just not used to them.

It's just that... it really feels good to know someone appreciates you exactly for who you are, and what you have.


Thanks.

Butterflied

Now I think I remember why.

It was those butterflies in the stomach that fluttered everytime you came close.

Those damned butterflies that, for once, I had wanted to kill.

They shouldn't have even been there.

Smarter & Wiser

I thought of a new personal life rule for myself.

I hope it helps me through my life going forward.


I think I'm going to play the life game a little smarter.

I should place the same amount of significance on the people in my life, as they place on me.

If you love me a lot, I shall love you as much, or even more. I can be that big.

But if you think I'm just that small insignificant part of your life, a tiny little 'thing' you can just flick away anytime you want, I shall make you the same in mine as well.

Now that's fair, isn't it?


I have been stupid - yes, stupid like you said I was looking.

I have allowed some people to affect me so bad, I couldn't see how little I meant to these very same people.

It has got to stop.


Yes, to you, and you, and you. Especially you.

Hear me.

*****

I don't know what I want out of you.

And I don't know what you want out of me too.


Yes, you and I are two different people. Very different, in fact.

We come from different worlds, but I am intrigued by yours.

You asked me why, but I really can't explain. Probably not in the way you'd like.

Certain kinds of connection, you just can't explain the reasons behind.


Then again, maybe we aren't that different to the core.

You are weak, just like I am.

You control like I do, but perhaps a little better than I can.


I really hope you're just a distraction.

That you're just a bypasser.


Some things are just not meant to be.

I am still learning to grasp this fact.