Letter

Dear ME,

I just thought I should write you a letter today. Because I thought you'd like to know how proud I am of you. And because you need to know how much I love you.

I look at you in the mirror every morning. And I wish I could kiss those pretty eyelashes you have. The little blackheads you stare at and grumble about everyday - screw them. 'Cos you have eyes that sparkle, and hunny, that's all other people see. Yes, screw those eyebags too.

Those smiling eyes. That healthy flush on your cheeks. Love and keep them. 'Cos far as I remember, they hadn't always been there.

Oh yes, of course, I do remember those darkest moments. And they manifested in your sunken cheeks, your lifeless eyes. Your skinny ass and even scrawnier twig-like arms. I remember all your friends making remarks about them, but all you said was, "No lah. I'm not skinny. I am ok."

I know you are still dying to squeeze into your size 0 jeans. But hunny, forget about them. They come at a huge price. 'Small' is not the key; 'tight' is. Keep on running, keep on with the balling. You can't do without the ball, you know that.

Right, back to those darkest moments. Yes, hunny, we've gotta talk about them.

I know you've been sllently fearing this day. The day that officially marks your entrance into the next phase of your life. People always say, "Turning thirty is no big deal." But you and I, we know that it is. At least to you. Because this is the milestone that marks your evaluation of your expectations, your redefinition of who you really are.

I remember when you were younger, maybe still in your early twenties, you had grand plans for yourself and you saw in your dreams a very different you the day you would turn thirty. You are none of that right now.

All you had wanted then was to get married to the man you loved, have dogs and kids, be a work-at-home mom by the time you're thirty. You are none of that right now. And I wanna tell you, it's ok.

Because then, despite your grand plans, you didn't really love you. You only loved others.

You only knew how to care for others around you, but you forgot about the most important person: that is you.

I look at you over again, and I still think your best asset is your ability to love. You know how to love, and I am proud of that. Just remember to use it on yourself always. Because hunny, there is going to be no one else in the world who would know and love you as much as you do. Except me, of course.

When you were failed by the most important persons next to you, you failed yourself. I was half worried to death because I thought I might lose you to death itself. When you decided to throw yourself into the throes of depresssion, to fling yourself into the deepest of pits, I remember I had the longest argument with you. But I saw your pain, and I knew then there was nothing else I could do but stick it through with you. I watched you crawl and slip, and crawl and slip, and crawl and slip. And I cried for you, because I thought it was going to be neverending.

I remember the day when you made the decision to throw the towel in. I remember the discussion we had. You told me you had to be the one to make a change to your life because no one else would. You said you had only one more year before you turned thirty, and you had to do it now. No one else really understood, but I did. I gave you my blessings, even if no one else did.

I have to say now, that the ten months you took away from the corporate shithole is probably one of the best decisions you've ever made - for yourself. Because in those ten months, you finally learned to love yourself. You finally created a vacuum where you would listen to no one but yourself. But of course, in that vacuum, you weren't really alone. You still had me but most of all, you learned to appreciate the true friends you would let into that vaccum of yours.

You used to fear the unknown. The daredevil in you would plunge into the unknown, but you lived in fear at the same time. You feared and you worried, and you would start talking to me. These days, you're cool. You no longer fear the unknown. In fact, you're loving the unknown.

These days, you don't really talk shit to me anymore. We just chill out and laugh at the silly things that happen in the day. You tell me, you just want to be happy now. Today. Because happiness begets only happiness. If you're happy today, you're gonna be happy tomorrow. And whatever unknown might happen in the future, it doesn't matter because you'll still be happy then. I give you a toast of my gin-and-tonic and agree wholeheartedly.

You used to beat yourself up really bad, and I am the one who would feel the pain. Nowadays, you take life easy, laughing along the way, and I am the one feeling all the love. You take the pain inflicted upon you by others and you flip it over inside out and toss it out of the window with a kong-fu kick. And everytime you do that, I just feel that rush of power overwhelming me.

You might have taken two years to get to where you are right now. But what is two years in your whole lifetime? Those darkest moments in those years - I hope they remain the darkest.

You're going to meet plenty more folks in your life. Some will stay, some will go. And I think you've already grasped that. Just be sure of who you're going to keep in your heart. Because while you think you have a big heart, it is only that big as your fist.

But you know hunny. You know the ones who deserve that precious spot in your hearts will be the ones who can touch your heart. As much as they bring you all the joy, they will also be capable of bringing you hurt. But that's ok. 'Cos they are inside your heart. If they don't hurt, they don't really matter.

Hurt is ok. Pain is ok. Without pain, you'd never really appreciate joy. Like you always say, without the pits, you'd never really appreciate the sunlight outside of it.

So I am telling you now, you're good to go on your journey of life.

Never fear again, because you know you have me here. Life in the Honks is doing you good. But it doesn't matter where you really are. It matters only whether you have you wherver you may be.

Be good. Go dance more. I know you're dying to shake that tushie. And I mean, outside of your apartment. Which I adore, by the way. The apartment, I mean. Ok, I love your tushie too.

Spend more time by yourself. I love it everytime you decide to stay in and have a sake with me.

Don't forget to keep on dreaming. I love those crazy ideas you always brew in your head. I love those bags you made in your head, I snuck a peek at them the other day.

Go out and see the world. I would love you to bits if you would bring me to Rome. Or, let's just do Japan again!

Eat more. Drink more. I will take good care of you. And no, you're not an alcoholic, contrary to popular beliefs.

Open your eyes. There is everything for you to see and learn. People for you to read and enjoy. Just like books.

Love. Don't stop loving. Love deep, love hard. Write emails. Tell the people you love you love them. You know that's the source of life for you.

Be yourself. Sleep when you want. Eat when you want. Laugh when you want. Cry when you want. Act silly when you want. Don't let anyone stop you.

I have always been your best friend, and I will always be. You are never going to be alone, even though you are alone.

I love you. Have a smashing thirtieth birthday. Get smashed. Get stoned. Just remember to wake up for your basketball tomorrow. And remember to mop your floor, do your laundry and get that damned ironing going.

Luff,
ME