At My Age

"Where else? At this age, you only go for comfort and familiarity."

"At your age? You sound like you're 40 years old with 4 kids."

"I wish I would have 4 kids by the time I'm 40, dude."

*****

At my age, I have only just gotten to realize how tough, and tiring, life can be.

Making big decisions, trying to be bold - they are all mentally, emotionally and physically tiring.

I was a different girl just maybe three years ago.

Nobody ever told me, while I was growing up, that life would get this tough. Nobody told me loving is such a complicated matter.


With the people around you, you don't simply 'love' or 'not love' them.

Loving apparently comes in different categories. None of them quite right nor wrong, each just requires different emotional skills.

Of course, there is the purest, and also rarest, form of love. Loving wholeheartedly with no conditions tied. Loving that comes with reciprocation. You love and love, and there's just no stopping you.

Then things get complicated.

There might be someone in your life that you will always care for, but that you also come to acknowledge will never be the one. The one to stay by your side and take care of you for the rest of your life.

There might be someone that you really want to care for, but you keep rein of your emotions... just because. It could be pride. It could be uncertainty. It could be fear. It could be many reasons - finding the real one is saddening, so you stop.

There might be someone that you think you care for, but you realize some time down the road... it had been some deceptive form of love. Intentional or otherwise, you couldn't have helped it.

There might be someone that you really think there's a good chance you might really care for, but you know any attempt would be fruitless, and potentially self-destructive. You take a step back. No, make that a few steps.

There might be someone that you do care for, but you start losing knowledge of the kind of love it really should be. A buddy kind of love? A brotherly kind of love? Or can it really be a romantic kind of love? You confuse yourself.

There might be someone who cares for you a tremendous deal and whom you know you should care for in return. Maybe because this is exactly the kind of guy everyone else would 'approve', the guy whom you know can take care of you for the rest of your life. But you just can't find it in you. You step back, and you risk losing a friend instead.

Then there might be someone whom you think you care for, but who comes around and tells you right in your face that you actually don't. What the fuck?


Why try to love the world, when you are already so tired trying to love the people that matter most to you?

I don't really know.