At My Age

"Where else? At this age, you only go for comfort and familiarity."

"At your age? You sound like you're 40 years old with 4 kids."

"I wish I would have 4 kids by the time I'm 40, dude."

*****

At my age, I have only just gotten to realize how tough, and tiring, life can be.

Making big decisions, trying to be bold - they are all mentally, emotionally and physically tiring.

I was a different girl just maybe three years ago.

Nobody ever told me, while I was growing up, that life would get this tough. Nobody told me loving is such a complicated matter.


With the people around you, you don't simply 'love' or 'not love' them.

Loving apparently comes in different categories. None of them quite right nor wrong, each just requires different emotional skills.

Of course, there is the purest, and also rarest, form of love. Loving wholeheartedly with no conditions tied. Loving that comes with reciprocation. You love and love, and there's just no stopping you.

Then things get complicated.

There might be someone in your life that you will always care for, but that you also come to acknowledge will never be the one. The one to stay by your side and take care of you for the rest of your life.

There might be someone that you really want to care for, but you keep rein of your emotions... just because. It could be pride. It could be uncertainty. It could be fear. It could be many reasons - finding the real one is saddening, so you stop.

There might be someone that you think you care for, but you realize some time down the road... it had been some deceptive form of love. Intentional or otherwise, you couldn't have helped it.

There might be someone that you really think there's a good chance you might really care for, but you know any attempt would be fruitless, and potentially self-destructive. You take a step back. No, make that a few steps.

There might be someone that you do care for, but you start losing knowledge of the kind of love it really should be. A buddy kind of love? A brotherly kind of love? Or can it really be a romantic kind of love? You confuse yourself.

There might be someone who cares for you a tremendous deal and whom you know you should care for in return. Maybe because this is exactly the kind of guy everyone else would 'approve', the guy whom you know can take care of you for the rest of your life. But you just can't find it in you. You step back, and you risk losing a friend instead.

Then there might be someone whom you think you care for, but who comes around and tells you right in your face that you actually don't. What the fuck?


Why try to love the world, when you are already so tired trying to love the people that matter most to you?

I don't really know.

ME Inc. Re-established

Days off just feel... *ahhh*... so good.

Though they always seem to be much, much shorter than work-days.

So fast, 5 o'clock already. Damn. Maybe it might help if I don't sleep in on off-days.

Then again, 5 o'clock ain't such a bad sign after all. It just means something's beckoning.


"But honey, how can you quit? You have a drinking habit to upkeep, you know."

What the hell.

If I have to give up my "drinking habit", I will.

Ok... maybe not completely. Just less. Like one pint a night. Ok, maybe two - max.

I know I can do it.


My mind flips over and over, again and again. Everyone close to me is getting confused.

Decisions are never easy. Especially when they are potentially life-changing.

I (still) don't know what I want - much less my friends. But, I know what I don't want. For now, at least.

And that's a good start.

The fearful me wants to stay put where a fantastic career path lies straight ahead.

The fearless me wants to drop all I already have, and chase after a colorful world where dreams lie ahead.

What then do I do?

I want my dreams. I want a world I craft for myself. My own world.

I can't wait for that day. That day when I feel meaning again in my life. =)


There will be friends who stand by me. And there will be detractors who think I'm stupid.

I think I know who you are.

But even more importantly, I need to know who I am, once again.

Some part of me remains me. But some has died and gone away.

I will embrace the me that remains, and welcome the new me that surfaces.

I am liking the sound of it.


There will always be the money issue.

One day, hopefully, that will pass.

There will always be the nagging parents. Or rather, parent.

One day, hopefully, they will understand.

There will always be the 'friends' who remind me how silly I am.

One day, hopefully, they will see.

There will always be the loneliness that might lapse in ocassionally.

One day, hopefully, it will bother me no more.

There will always be the devil in me that taunts me and tells me I won't make it.

One day, hopefully, it will give up and shut up.

There will always be the fears and the helplessness.

One day, hopefully, they will turn me into a stronger woman.

There will always be something.

One day, hopefully, I will be everything.


I don't think I can save the world, honey. I just hope I can save myself.

But thanks - for believing in me.


I don't have to love the whole world.

I just have to love myself, and all that matters to me.

忍无可忍，无需再忍

Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe out.

*Pffff!*

Breathe in, breathe out...

随便

ME Inc. says:
u know, my TW counterpart is now asking if i wanna swop places with her..
Audrey says:
swop places?
ME Inc. says:
yeah, she come here take my role, i go over take hers
ME Inc. says:
same job lah... just different countries
Audrey says:
oh.. like that also can ah
Audrey says:
but TW quite boring
ME Inc. says:
i dun mind if i'm attached to jay
Audrey says:
well pray hard! pray really hard!!!
ME Inc. says:
yah, now got chance... just have to pray hard, right?
Audrey says:
evn if he's seeing someone, u can also heng dao dou ai
Audrey says:
just do it!
ME Inc. says:
eeeew
ME Inc. says:
i 随便 but not 下贱 lor

=/

Madcap Chicks

This one's for my chicks.









Someone tried to offer me some wise words last night: "Well, you know, there are different kind of friends. There are the good friends, and then there are the drinking friends. You gotta know who's which."

To which, I counter-offered even wiser words: "Yeah I know. The even better thing to have? Good friends who drink with you. And I'm lucky to have them."

Yeah, and I call 'em: my chicks.

I go round telling the whole world my chicks are the best girlfriends I could ever have.

They crap with me. They laugh at me. They let me down whatever alcohol I need to stay sane. They love me when I'm being insane. They make me feel most comfortable acting the silly drunk clown.

They watch me cry, then put their arms around me, and then bring me home safe.

They ask, but they never question.

They drink Hoes with me when they'd much rather be sipping wine or whiskey.

They eat mee pok ta with me whenever I crave it at the end of the night. We love mee tai mak ta these days, though.

They walk and laugh alongside me while I swagger to hip-hop music along the sidewalks of UE Square.

They check on me over MSN when I'm far away from home.

They pick up vices from me, and then teach me some.

They dream along with me. The 'Lao Ban Niangs'. Haha.

They never tire of hanging out with me - six nights a week, five in a row.

They smack me on the head and tell me not to be silly when I declare my 'luff' for them.

"Muak". A term of endearment that has been estranged from me for a long while. They made me remember it again.


"You have always been a madcap. Not that we minded."

And I thank you girls for loving the madcap that I am.

Amongst all the gems surrounding me, you truly are one of the brightest, definitely the rarest.

Muak.

Hello?

*Knock knock*

Yes. I am still alive.

=]

I Know It...

"Thats awesome man, you are one talented gal."

"Don't envy me."

=]

*roll eyes*

Fuck. I am officially depressed.

"How, girl? How you doing? Got boyfriend already not?"

"No lah."

"But at least got fuck buddy right?"

*Pause*

"Don't tell me you don't even have a fuck buddy?! Then your needs how? Don't you have needs?"

This is incredible. I mean, what kind of a fuck question is this?

"I have self-administered help."

Sigh.


By the way, straight guys don't ask such questions.

I wasn't talking to one.

"Yeah, Knees That Suck Suck"

Despite the stress that plagued me since dinner last night - and which gave me nightmares and severe lack of sleep for fear of oversleeping - I think I might've had the best time in weeks today.

Sitting (almost) next to, and chatting as a 'co-host' with John Dykes in a pseudo-ESPN studio was one thing.

Having run a smooth-sailing show with absolutely zero glitches (at least so I think), after weeks of stress and running around and hair-pulling and booze-indulgence, was an even better feeling.

All I can say is, it always pays to hire only nothing but professionals. Maybe I should just turn one myself.


All's not really over yet.

There are still meetings ahead. Then there's that silly little Desaru trip.

Stuff beyond that is what I am really looking forward to.

Like taking a couple of days off work to do nothing but chill and recharge. Maybe an afternoon at Brewerkz might help.

Like the Hong Kong trip with the chicks, though it'll be just three days of togetherness before my week-long meeting begins.

Like the long-awaited Taipei trip that, should nothing go wrong again, should happen by the end of June.

Like the diving trip I am trying to organize amongst my buddies.

Like embarking on my new life ahead. I suddenly feel energized. And while I still am, I should give it a shot. My new life.


I would like to write more again as well.

I have been too haphazard. Nonsensical even.

'Nuff of that crap.

*****

I did see that someone last night.

Not only was the ballroom not grand and big, I ended up being seated at the table right next to that someone's. And in full view of each other. Sigh.

Much as I tried to pretend and avoid 'bumping into each other' the entire night, I couldn't resist picking up the phonecall from the unknown number at the end of the night before I could reach my car.

I didn't recognize the number - but I just knew who the caller was.

So. I did meet up with that someone in the end. Had a little chat, a little drink.

And that someone is now back in my phonelist again.


I know, I know. I can be this weak.

Then again, it's just a number.

I can always fuck it again.

=)

High

I have never multi-tasked this much in my entire life as I did over the past couple of weeks.

Now you get it.


I'll try my best to recapture my 'best' moments of the week, if my degenerating brain cells would help.

*****

Me: I am on a 'quitting high'.

Ed: Huh? You quit? What you gonna do?

Me: No, I haven't. But I'm getting high from the feeling of wanting to quit.


He thought I was very funny.

Then again, he also understood what I meant.

Some of you would, too.

*****

Me: One of my best girlfriends predicted that I would be very prone to post-natal depression in future when I get pregnant.

Dee: Yah what. Now not pregnant, already prone to depression. Of course lah.


Hmm.

Noted. Point taken.

*****

"Wah, you're really Ah Lian after my heart."

"Ah Lian, Ah Lian. You cute la."


I've always thought I am just a closet Lian. I didn't know I could give first impressions like that.

Sigh.

*****

I am really on a quitting high.

It wasn't a joke.

My time's just up.


Going for a wedding dinner tonight. My first since last November.

And between then and now, I had heard of more break-ups and divorces than of unions and marriages.

I don't know what to make of it personally.

I may see someone whom I don't really wish to see later. Someone whom I've deleted off my phonelist.

I just hope it's a big grand ballroom.

*bleh*

knnbccb

fucking hell

(*&#)($&%#*(#!_+%(&$)(^%&$)*#!!!!!!!!!!!!

Excuse Me, Are You A ...?

"小姐,你是模特儿啊?"

*blush*

The kopitiam uncle chatted me up again.

After a long while since I've gone back for my kopi-o... =)

*****

Tonight, I let a little bit more of my pride go.

And I am happy... =)

You know. You would know.

I haven't had a conversation like this with you for a long while too.

I miss it. I really miss you.

Damned Pride

Pride builds walls and sometimes even kills.

Letting go of pride dissolves everything. Doesn't it?

I am not quite prideful, but I still have some. I am not one to hold on to hurtful pride, but in recent times, I have to remind myself to do so.

Sometimes, it's good to let go of that stupid pride. But no one else sees it that way.

And when you can't bring yourself to do so, find something that makes you.

Like a couple of mugs of beer. Not a dozen. You don't need a dozen. Just a couple will do.

Just like it did for me tonight. =)

*****

"Hope u've recovered... Get some medication to recover quickly. Take care."

I'm just glad someone still remembered my bad coughing. =)

*****

"... Any news from him?"

No, dear God. Am I supposed to expect any news from him?

In case you aren't aware, he's no longer there.

The 8k Wonder Woman

I just woke up this morning, and decided to pack in my running gear.

And then, thanks in part to the great non-sunny weather and to my two 'gay' running/tortorous buddies, I just ran and did an 8k over lunch. =)

Siao. 8k out of nowhere.

My legs might beg to differ, but I feel great.

There's nothing like running that scrutinizes and tortures your mind. I love it.


Bye bye, you awful fats sitting around my waistline.

No way I'm letting you stop my flow of booze. *bleh*

Blur

A buddy just sent me some real beautiful pictures he'd taken during his recent trip to Cambodia.

And they make me so wanna... go Cambodia too.

Like I've been thinking of recently.

Yeah, maybe it's a calling.


I can't put his pictures up, though they are so very pretty.

Just wait till I have my own.

*****

Dreams. Wishes. Hopes.

When do you stop?

And if you're not supposed to stop, how do you keep them alive - when everything else makes it so hard to go on?


My world is still a flurry-blurry.

Days come and go. The hours either drag on or fly by. It can be so torturous, either way.

Nothing real for me to hold on to, nor to look forward to.

Yet I have to make decisions that don't seem to convince everyone else. Especially me.


I can't remember a lot of things. Things I used to know.

I can't remember exactly how it feels to have someone to hold on to while I sleep, though I know it must've felt good.

Otherwise, why else would I be yearning for that now?

Thank God, the bolster was left behind.


Do I make any sense today?

Time's Up

"By the time u rtn, u mite nt even rmbr hw bad it feels anymore..."

Just some of those profoundly simple words that perhaps do hold some truth in them after all.

One year.

I'll give myself one year.

One year flies by, they say. Somehow 'just one year' seems to make it easier for me to bear.


I think I've bought enough time for myself.

Without yet coming to any conclusion. I can understand how I frustrate even myself.

I need to send that message out tomorrow. I suppose the very first feeling that hits me the minute I punch the 'send' button will tell it all.

Relief? Or, regret?

*****

To those few of you who have in some way or another come and left some prints in my life, I have nothing more to say.

I just wish perhaps things could've been a little more different.

Take precious care of yourselves, just like how I should be starting to take care of myself.

Simple Fare

I've been satisfying my hunger with nothing much else other than fishball mee-tai-mak soup and yong tau foo in the past few days.

As if I'd never get to eat them again in a long, long while.

Wala Voila!

Sunday's Wala is probably one of the best places to be on earth.

That close to heaven.

Sigh...

人吃蚶

Pardon the crude Hokkien ditty that follows, but it is exactly silly crap like this that cracks me up.

人吃蚶，人吃蚶。
人拉屎，人拉屎。
蚶吃屎，蚶吃屎。
人吃蚶，人吃蚶。

Now I will always try to keep this ditty in mind before I pop the next bloody 蚶 into my mouth.

Then again, what the heck? Don't think, just whack.


And yes, you ain't heard nothing wrong.

I eat 蚶s.

You see, I have never been much of a 蚶-eater all my life. In fact, none at all. The bloody taste used to put me way off. No 蚶s in my laksa, none in my char kuey teow, and I crinkled my nose everytime my friends devoured a plate of boiled 蚶s.

Now, I dig my bare fingers into the bloody shells.

Then again, I also never used to do or be much of what I do, of what I am now.

Should I be surprised with the 蚶s?

Life changes, things change... people change, don't they?

Of all the 'life lessons' I've ever had, this is probably one of the best.

*****

This must have been one of my most unplanned Saturdays... that turned out to be most eventful as well.

Sometimes, some things in life should just never be planned for.


A lazy day that started out late had me dragging my feet into the office at 5 and ended up with me paying an impromptu visit to Hapyfish's new pad in the far east.

I love sweet couples. You guys are one.

Ended up at Ice Cold "on the way home".

There was no football tonight - but there was the live telecast of the polling results.

Gawd, the pub was packed. Never like this before on any of the Saturday nights I've been hanging out there. I doubted if the folks knew what they were cheering for. Really.

It would have been quite a boring night, if not for the various interesting conversations I struck up.

And if not for yet another new friend I made. A new friend who has been in town for barely two years but said he'd like to show me around my home country. =) We shall see.


The messages from Pi came very timely after the drinks.

And somehow, I ended up watching DVDs at her place.

Which explains for the new ditty I've learned today.


Gawd. I am tired now.

*****

"Home safe?"

"I'm having some fishball mee first. My worms are torturing me."

"Ok drink lots of water. Nite."

"Nites."

Never expected your messages. And not too sure if you should have sent them.

Still, I appreciate them very much.

Thanks.

Silence

Haven't written in a long while, I realize.

I don't know... just not in the right mood to. And, too tired too.

Tired of fixing things. Even friendships... especially friendships.


The thoughts and the words are all jumbled right up there in my mind now.

Laters.

Let me take a bath first.

Chums

I lurve my chums.

I'm so gonna miss them... that is, if I should decide to go.



Da boys. Da Fourgers.


We hit the beach at Phuket the minute we touched down and dumped our bags at the hotel. That was way back in January. =)


I only see a giraffe next to the, er... white boy.


Wigger, Chenger and Chigger - three-fourths of the Fourgers.


Da booze chums.


I love Pij the Wigger.


I still love Pif the Wigger. I love this picture.

And most of all, I love this picture the best. =)


Thank you, Chigger. For being the great pal you are. =]

Handshake

=)

I shook his hand.

JJ's hand.

And he's got my business card too.

Nothing biggie, yeah. But he may show me the way to Jay.

Ha. Ha. I'm still at it after all.

FB Inc.

FatBaby Inc..

Baby of Fatmama. Child of ME Inc..

Mama loves you so.

Please. Please just stop scratching yourself so you can stop wearing awful (though quite cute) tees like this.


It was a good Sunday.

Me, Pipes and Gracie tiring ourselves out at the beach for four fuckin' hours.

Yes. The most Kodak moment happened when I was lying on my back listening to my iPod with the two girls each lying by my side.


It's just too bad we had no one to capture that Kodak moment.

Ah well. We don't need no one, do we, girls?

Signs

Ahh.... home sweet home.

Nothing tastes like the beer you drink back home.


The past couple of days have been nothing but like a whirlwind for me.

An almost two-hour delay at the Bangkok airport left me feeling very, very grouchy. All because it meant I would be missing most of the Man U-Chelsea game.

And it didn't help that I actually got to the airport way earlier 'cos I was trying my darnest to squeeze onto the earlier flights. Stupidly ended up wasting away my hours at the transit lounge.

Anyhow, Man U was totally disgraceful. Fuck. A 3-1 loss is very much different from a fucking 3-0 loss.

For all my heartaching efforts running around to watch the game, you boys surely let me down big-time.

Urgh. Men.


Beer. Beer. And more beer.

And some champagne too.

That's what's been welcoming me home. Plus the company too.

Sweet.

For a moment, I can't bear to leave this place.


The decision hasn't been made. The confusion is still there.

I dread the phonecall from HK that is to come.

I wouldn't know what to say, nor how to reply.


I don't normally allow pride in my way.

Pride kills. Pride is usually the death of what happiness to come.

Still, there is still some amount of pride left in me. The pride that lets me be me.

I have already done my best. The best I could, in my current state of emotional being. All for the sake of not letting pride in my way.

If I am neither understood nor appreciated, so be it.

I will do no more.

I'm tired.

This wasn't the least expected anyway. You weren't.


"You've been reading the signs wrongly..."

The words mentioned more than a week ago still ring in my ears.

Maybe I have. I must have.

Then, you must also have been bad at 'reading signs' too, I suppose.

Let's just all take this as a very bad episode in our lives, shall we?