Perspiring Thoughts

It has been raining non-stop for the past few days, pouring at times, passing showers at others. Sometimes it rains in the early pre-dawn hours, sometimes in the afternoons or evenings, sometimes just throughout the entire day - it's been so unpredictable. A good break from those hot hot days in the past couple of months, but somehow I miss the sun. Today looks like it's gonna be a fine day, well at least in the afternoon, so I sneaked out of the office during lunch to have some quiet time at the cafe by the beach.

I'm sitting down at the quiet cafe, looking out at the sea. Peaceful, except for the big noisy fan which is not of much use. I don't see a lot of people around me nor at the beach, save for a few crazy nuts going on their runs. Everyone's at work or in school, and I feel happy, almost proud, that I have the privilege of the sunshine and this beautiful view all to myself today.

There's a big beautiful golden right next to me, dripping drool all over the floor. Her owner looks like she's had a day off and spending the day quietly with her coffee and her dog. I so wish I could do this every single day with my girls.

Not been writing a lot but it doesn't mean my thoughts are empty. On the contrary, my mind is so flushed I can't really figure out what the hell is bothering me. There are new tasks at work but they still don't excite me. I'm just glad I have things to keep me occupied so that 8.30-5.30 doesn't feel like eternity.

Feeling extremely sensitive as well. I know the man probably doesn't mean any harm but everything he says or does translates into something else to me these days, and I keep feeling he's being mean to me. Am I enclosing around him again? Am I being "too there" for him again? Is he unwittingly or subtlely expressing something to me? I've been thinking, maybe I should let go a little. Give him a little more space. But then, haven't we already got our own time and space? Maybe it isn't enough. I don't know and this baffles me to the point of being frustrated.

Is this how all relationships are supposed to be? Maybe I'm the one who's not getting it right. Maybe my own versions of love and relationships (I cannot even bear to think of the word 'marriage' here) are too ideal or too passe for the real world. The real world that's been corrupted by so many evils out there, in the form of temptations and infidelity. What place has true love got in this world? What the hell is true love anyway?

My thoughts fleet from lasting happiness to uncertainties in a marriage, in my own. I've seen enough marriages breaking down, and in a logical sense, they should spell out something realistic to me. But I don't seem to learn. How do you learn to trust someone, and even marry him, knowing that anything can happen to anyone, anytime, and there's nothing you can do about it when that happens? Marriage is a personal risk management job that I don't wish to apply for. It might drain me out.

Been an hour out here and I'm perspiring profusely. Have a meeting in half an hour's and I gotta go. So dreading this.