Ring Ring Ring

Ring-a-ring-a-ring-a-ring-a-ring
会不会是你 要响几声才能接
心跳的声音 蹦蹦重低音
怕铃声会停 赶快按下通话键
拉长耳朵提高醒觉 神经细胞全面戒备
你的电话决不漏接 ring-a-ring-a-ring 爱的合旋铃 耶
管他网外或是网内 月底再考虑通话费
体温已燃烧到沸点 我不怕熬夜 管他黑眼圈 耶
来电 again


Chicks night.

Happy songs.

Someone.

Memories.

:)

I Miss Corporate Life... I Really Do

*gasp*

Could it be?

It might be.

A lousy, boring Tuesday.


Over a phone text...

Chick #4: How come nobody is online? So bored...


*sniggers*

Oh Dear...

I don't know.

Sometimes, life just has to deal you with situations you've always hoped you never land in. And even then, you've always thought you'd surely stick to your guns and stand by your own convictions.

And then, as surely as life would screw you up, you suddenly find yourself stuck between reality and ideals.

Between livelihood and stubborn beliefs.

Between rationality and the real you.


But, even before that, if there's one thing I have to learn for myself, it's that I should never ever say "never" no more.

"Never" sucks. "Never" always happens. To me.

Life Sucks

Just when you need to check your mailbox pretty urgently...

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We're sorry, but Gmail is temporarily unavailable. We're currently working to fix the problem -- please try logging in to your account in a few minutes.

Well, if the world doesn't suck, we'd all be falling off from the center of it, wouldn't we?

My Boy Says...

"Hey princess, dun forget to smile a big smile and say a big 'fuck you' to those who deserve it."

:) Big enough?

"It's Just... You Are You"

While I'm still on this grim mood, please just indulge me for the rest of the night. At least for just one last silly question.

Say, for instance, should the need arise as unexpectedly as tomorrow or the day after, what might you, my friends, have to say about me in my eulogy?

What would you engrave on my tombstone?


"...no lah, not silly... it's just... you are you... your prerogative."

The chat that made me smile, yet made me ponder as well.


It's like... I am just me. Simply indescribable in words.

I Love Mondays!

It is a lousy, boring, hungover-Monday, apparently.

Everyone else I know seems to be either bored, or hungover, or feeling out of sorts. I would know, 'cos all the chats started coming in over msn.

14:01:48 ME Inc.: hi hunny
14:02:55 M: hello baby!
14:04:02 M: a bit steam steam now

14:50:04 D: shit I am so sleepy after wolfing down a 3 piece meal from KFC
14:50:48 D: my brain is still somewhere between friday's shopping and dragonfly

14:51:41 D: aint much motion going on
14:51:42 D: i miss a real hot day at the beach

14:58:40 D: eh, come have cofi w me leh
14:58:40 D: haha
14:58:40 D: see bay sleepy

15:01:13 D: "Your enemy", replied the Dalai Lama to all listening, "becomes an object for you to practise compassion. It is easy to practise compassion on those you love, but the enemy becomes an object for you to further your practice".
15:01:19 D: i so bored i read dalai lama

15:03:16 ME Inc.: just ping me when u bored.
15:03:22 karks: i m bored
15:03:23 karks: now
15:03:25 karks: whole day

Yes, yes, all the hunnies and babes in the world. Come to Mama anytime you're bored at your desk.


Not for me, though.

15:21:17 karks: so why r u having a lousy monday?
15:24:27 ME Inc.: no i am not really
15:24:50 ME Inc.: i had lunch, got a free pair of diamond earrings... so yeah, i am not feeling lousy.

Yes, I am easy. Sue me.

Stranger

"... but he meant something to me... for a long long time..."

Someone I didn't know is gone. How, or why, or who he was, I probably wouldn't get to know.

But I do know this someone was someone who mattered a lot to my girl. Whoever he was to her.

Strangely, I felt something bittersweet brewing in my heart. Maybe it was because I could feel my girl crying at the other end of the chat. Maybe it was because I could feel the amount of love that was suddenly overflowing from every human pore around me - yearning yet lost. Or, maybe it was because I remembered how this human world works, how you and I love but never embrace it with fervor, how you and I love but never get to telling the blessed ones that they are loved - and how we never realize it until it is always too late.

I try my utmost all the time not to harbor morbid thoughts, but I know best never to have regrets.

If I were ever to be snatched from the face of this earth with no warning in advance, I would like to know, at the last few breathing moments of my life before my eyes shut forever, that I had nothing else left inside of me that I'd wanted to tell someone but been too proud or fearful to say.

So, I said my I-love-you's every day and night.

I said my I-love-you's every time before I boarded the plane.

Now, I hug and kiss my little man everytime he would allow me.

I hug my chicks and babes tightly and tell them I love them.

I forget the hurt and I love all too easily.

I remind myself everyday not to be so mean to my mom.

I write posts once in a while to sing about the appreciation I have for the friends and blessings around me.


And so, with lots of love in my heart, I smiled and hit the "send" button on my phone this afternoon.

Come what may, let's just appreciate what we have today, and live like there's no tomorrow.

Dictionary 101

So I ran today.

And then, I also met up with the chicks.


Runner's High
Definition: A state of euphoria where a runner finds him- or herself doing things he or she didn't originally plan for.
Example 1: You clock 39 minutes when you had originally planned to run for only 30 minutes.
Example 2: You clock 55 minutes on the second run when you had originally planned for a 45-minute one.

Alcoholic's High
Definition: A state of euphoria where an alcoholic finds him- or herself doing things he or she didn't originally plan for.
Example 1: You imbibe five whites when you had originally planned for only two.
Example 2: You drink and make merry and supper till two in the morning when you had originally planned for an early night.


Runner's Block
Definition: A state of nuahism where a runner finds him- or herself cooking up all sorts of poor excuses to skip a session.
Example 1: You blame the lousy drizzly weather.
Example 2: You imagine a slight pain in your knee.
Example 3: You suspect there might be some construction workers around your neighborhood.
Example 4: You check yourself out in the mirror over and over, and convince yourself you are not fat.
Example 5: You complain not being able to find any of your twenty sports bras nor any of your thirty pairs of socks lying in your drawers.

Alcoholic's Block
Definition: A state of nuahism where an alcoholic finds him- or herself cooking up all sorts of poor excuses to skip a session.
Example 1: ...
Example 2: ...
Example 3: ...
Example 4: ...
Example 5: ...
*Editor's note: Section to be completed.


So, it seems I still have a long way to go to rid myself of the runner's block, and an even longer way to go to complete the latter section.

I know. I know one day I'll find the same joy in running.

Brunchie With The Cutie

I did cuss and swear when I had to drag my arse out of bed at ten-half this morning. Not because I was up and still awake at five earlier in the morning. Not because I didn't fancy a tai-tai-esque brunchie with my favorite mama at a cafe by the sea.

But because of all my dramatic episodes in the nights, this last one had to be The One Where Jay Finally Teased Me.

*Huumppphh*


But then. But then. But then...

It was all worth it. :)



It was such killer charm that drugged me and kept me awake half the day. Though I really do hate to admit that, at times, the little boy did remind me of his monstrous daddy.



I have this thing with little boys these days, so it seems.

He was drooling on over me. He was eating on me. He was tugging at my boobs. He was laughing so hard at with me he actually pooed in my arms. In my arms, where he stayed a long time.

Yes, I do think he loves me. :)



Ahhh... like his own momma would exclaim... I is cannot take it!

:)

No matter how the day turns out in the end, some things just manage to make me s:)mile.

:)

Don't you think too that the word 'smile' seems always to smile at you? Or, is it just me? :)

Drought

I suppose, yes, I'm recently back into the intensive psychoanalysing mode.

And I suppose also it is not doing me much good, much as I want to hope it is. For one, it seems to be negating all the positivity I am supposed to 'exude'. Two, I still can't find the answers... while the questions keep mounting. Three, I just learnt that a braindead mind tends to get better-quality rest at night.

Damn! This has gotta stop. Please, please someone. Make me stop.


I don't wish I were a man.

I sometimes do wish I were a dog.

But most of all, I wish I were different.

So I could be just like everyone else.


I need more jokes. =/

Smiling

Yes, I smiled.

I smiled when the usual phonecall came at the usual time in the morning.

I smiled when I woke up, knowing I did an extraordinarily early one last night, though I still think I could've done with yet better quality sleep... or at least, some more interesting dreams.

I smiled when the little bratty prince kissed me on the lips before I left the house.

I smiled when I had my first bite of my sesame-bagel-with-cream-cheese.

I am smiling because I feel a lighter heart inside after I realized some stuff and made some decision: that I would go back to the point I was originally at and then start all over again.

And I am smiling because someone asked me to.

=)

An Honest Post

There are some who claim that the world of ordinary experience is an illusion, and that the doors to the real world are opened by sacred drugs or practices of medication. People who claim to have seen the truth this way are usually dismissed as dope-heads or wackos; but they think it is we who are the fools, trapped as we are within the limited world of sense experience.

Why is it that when I first read this passage, I could almost immediately feel an inexplicable affinity toward 'them', the supposed wackos as defined?

Why is it that I almost always readily proclaim myself to be the crazy nut and that everyone else around me is the 'normal one'?

Why is it that I sometimes feel I really don't belong anywhere in this world?


I spoke once of 'homesickness'.

And it didn't happen because I was physically far away from the one and only apartment I've known my entire life.

It happened because I was physically and mostly emotionally far away from the one I used to love like he was the one. The one whom I actually thought I felt a real belonging to.

Homesickness is such a bittersweet sensation, you actually feel it churning right in your stomach. One that once warmed my heart, but now I don't wish to suffer no more.

I shouldn't belong to anywhere in this world. Most of all, I shouldn't feel like I belong to anyone.


But it is tough, I confess. It is tough having to be on your own all the time, it is tough not having anyone to belong to.

It is tough not having someone to love you, like you actually really feel entirely loved. Entirety to your core being.

I look at people around me all the time, and I wonder how some make it. I wonder how some of them could love themselves so much they don't seem to need anyone else. I suppose it is indeed possible - but only if you're built that way.

I don't think I am.

It seems a very rational answer I've thought of to my constant struggles with life.


So then. Because of the wacky nut I am, coupled with my seeming need for a constant companion who would love me in my entirety, I think I have it all figured out.

Perhaps that is why I seem to hurt some people around me. Why I seem to create 'unnecessary' trouble for the ones around me I actually love.

I suppose my passion for life in my own way is simply too intense, too imaginery, no one could comprehend, no one could cope with it.

To these ones I love, I am sorry, I really didn't mean any hurt.


I really think I ought to live on my own, in my own world. Just to save anyone else any unnecessary trouble.

I am not sorry about my existence nor about the way I think of life, I just think I need to learn to deal with it. And as much as I can try to, be as normal as everyone else. Especially when I am around everyone else.

Folks who in only all good intentions try to love and take care of me might give up. They might even regret ever having me in their lives. I will only be sorry that they had even wanted to try.


You and I, we really shouldn't even attempt to judge anyone, especially the ones we really love. Nor to form any expectations of what they should think, how they should feel, who they really should be.

Because not only would it bring you disappointment, it destroys the relationship.

Rationality is relative. The only difference between a conventionally sane person and an insane one, is the basis of their individual rationality.

You might think a human being who has done wrong deserves to die, while I believe that human being, like all others, really deserves a second chance.

You might believe a monster is not to be loved, simply because a monster is harmful.

I believe I will love a monster, simply because that monster deserves to be loved.


There is a new movie I would very much love to get my hands on.

It tells of a young girl who lives in a mental hospital because she believes she is a cyborg. She meets a young dude, also in the same mental hospital, who believes he is capable of stealing other people's souls.

It's an extraordinarily simple story about how two crazy nuts shut out by the rest of the world love each other passionately.

Because all they know is to love the person for who they really are.

Absolutely amazing, isn't it?


If you never try to see the world from another's point of view, let alone walk a mile in their bare feet, you are refusing to look beyond the walls of the small, comfortable world you have constructed for yourself.

Women's Lies

Something, which I think was originally meant to be another silly joke, just came in over email.

Yes, yes - another manifestation of my "very bad sense of humor".

*****

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes!" cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."

And so the Lord let her keep him.


The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

Unglamorised

Me: Houston, there's a problem...
M: Clementi, there's a siao char bor...

Nobody would think it, or any other message, would be that ticklish. Except maybe me.

Either I really just have a very bad sense of humor, or there's something really wrong with me.

Really wrong.

Cheat

We all get tired every now and then, don't we?

About work, about shit, about life. It's not just you, nor me; I suppose the mother who sits across from me cooing to her newborn son would get tired sometimes, or the security-uncle who sits stoned but still looking all-important at the same counter everyday, or my friends who are busy but seemingly pleased with their jobs and round up their otherwise normal daily lives by having couple of happy drinks with chums before heading home for a good night's rest.

Sometimes, it's just a worn-out body who tires out the mind, and we all regain that bit of energy to take on the world again after a good ten-hour snooze. That would be simply good fortune to know.

Then there are those sneaky times when we just feel tired inside out, we want to stop thinking, we want to stop breathing. We're so tired, our stomachs feel sick. We cuss and swear at the ills and wish they would all just disappear. Times like this, we just want to give up. Even if it is something you had really wanted. Times like this, you begin to doubt yourself and you forget what you were fighting for in the first place.

Is it just a burnt-out mind, or is it a seriously-wounded soul? Either case, I have no foolproof cure for it. Some say sleep would do some help. Some say booze, others say travel. I don't know.

I just know I am so fucking tired. If a deep, endless slumber is only but wishful thinking, then I just hope tomorrow, somehow somewhere I can find that energy to fight again.


Life is like those Choose Your Own Adventure storybooks I snuck from my brother when I was small and sick of playing with Barbie.

Only problem is, I cheated.

Every time I disliked my badly-chosen scenarios, I would cheat quietly and flip back a few chapters, just so I could choose my adventures all over again. Of course, trying very hard at the same time to remember the bad routes I had chosen before - and never to go up the same ones again.

If only I could cheat in life as well.


P.S.: Yes, I did use to own Barbies.

Boot That Thought!

The morning I left Hong Kong, my heart was at unease.

I knew I had forgotten about something, I knew I had left something behind.

What it was, I never really did manage to figure out... until today.


I forgot to buy my all-important Boots supplies!!! Aaarrgghhh!!! How could I?!?!


Remembering about Boots today also brought something else unfortunate to my mind.

Boots inevitably reminds me of Bangkok.

Before HK, there was Bangkok. I have always loved Bangkok for her tom yum goong, green curry, cheap bras and most of all - Boots. There is nary a fulfilling Bangkok trip without a loadful of Boots squeezed amongst my dirty clothes.

But today, the sudden thought of Bangkok reminds me of how life loves playing pranks on us.

Of how some things almost were, but probably were never meant to be.


And thinking of Bangkok also makes me hungry now.

Very, very hungry. =/

Other Loves

Much as I try to be resolute and stick to my top three should-loves, I know there are other people/things that will always tear me away from my numero uno.

Like, chicks for whom I'm willing to give up my time, even though I had already made plans, albeit for myself, to be a good girl for the night. This is my bane: if I'm not there for my chicks, I just can't trust anyone else who would be.

And then, there's ...

"Huh? What's this? You'd love money more than me?"

Haha... You'd know my answer, hunny.

You jolly well should.

Lessons

Couple (or maybe more) of lessons I have learnt this week.

One: Never say "never". The things that you always say 'never' to, will always end up in your court. Somehow. TRUST ME.

Two: (Regardless of the 'never' lesson) A "no" is always a "no". I hope some people get that message right. Subtlety doesn't work.

Three: Close my heart, and shut the fuck up. Less expectations will be formed of you.


Yes. Shut my trap.

Whenever necessary. In fact... perhaps, all the time.

That way, life might probably be much, much easier.